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Does Online Flirting Count As Infidelity?

Does Online Flirting Count As Infidelity?

Anthony Weiner’s wife is pregnant.  This latest piece of information in a sea of coverage after his confession that he had engaged in “inappropriate conversations conducted over Twitter, Facebook, email and occasionally on the phone” with women he had met online may be the last nail in the coffin for the Democratic New York congressman’s career.  Republicans and now a few Democrats in Congress have called for his resignation, and his dream of becoming mayor of New York is certainly gone.

But in the midst of all the puns and sordid images, many people have paused to ask: why exactly was what Anthony Weiner did so wrong?  In the new age of social media, what counts as infidelity?

Writing for the Huffington Post, religion scholar Marie Griffith asks her readers to “stop licking our chops long enough to ask what it means, not simply about him but about us.”  She continues, “Online dalliances are not astonishing. What’s astonishing is his — and our — relentless self-delusion. Make no mistake: his moral failings may mirror our own.”

Blogger Jessica Wakeman, in a long and heartfelt post for the Frisky, documents how she was the victim of what she and others have begun to call “micro-infidelity,” when her boyfriend began flirting with another woman online.  Even after Wakeman caught him (by checking his email, certainly another ethical quandary in an age of saved passwords), he denied that he had done anything wrong.  “Sending photos was innocent, he insisted,” she writes. “He wasn’t cheating, he promised.”

The problem, for Wakeman, was that her boyfriend’s communications with this other woman affected their relationship.  And that seems to be the fundamental question: do online flirtations constitute a “relationship,” even if the two people don’t touch?

Eli Karam, a marriage therapist at the University of Louisville, told NPR that a online “relationship” is entirely possible.  And he adds that “emotional infidelity” can be as damaging as a physical fling, if not more so.  On Slate, William Saletan agrees.  “We’re finding new realms in which to wander, meet people, and flirt,” he writes. “You can call these adventures whatever you want to. But we all know what they are. They’re relationships.”

One thing is for sure: it’s easier to cheat on a partner online than in the flesh (so to speak).  But that’s exactly one of the issues that Griffith, and others, want us to confront.  What does it mean if it becomes easy to claim that online relationships are just “communications,” even if those “communications” are long and addictive or sustaining?  What does that say about the relationships we have with our “real” partners, children, or friends?

Griffith points out the loneliness that can quickly grow during days spent in front of a computer, when a Facebook message can seem like a welcome social connection.  “What we badly need,” she writes, “in the wake of the Congressman’s sad story, is a national conversation about our work environments and the technologies that make us feel isolated, anxious, and bored, despite all their promises of social connection.”

So was what Weiner did wrong?  Ethically, yes.  Whether he should step down is another question.  But I think Griffith is right: the most important conversation to emerge from this sad, tawdry story is one that has to do with us, not Weiner.


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Photo from Screaming Monkey's Flickr photostream.

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4:44PM PDT on Mar 30, 2012

Do you really have any idea who's on the other end?

4:52AM PST on Dec 11, 2011

YES!YES!YES!,And,again,I say ,YES!!!!! W.T.F. ARE you doing flirting online-or anywhere else for that matter,if you are commited to the one you are with?!? The Bible says that If you look at a person to lust after them , you have already committed the act in your heart.Even if these are not your beliefs,it is common knowledge that the outward act always starts in your mind and in your heart.We all are tempted,and we all find certain people attractive,but do we put the thought out of our head,or do we entertain that thought,let it get worse,let it lead to flirting,and so on.There is a difference,and there is a choice to make.You either are,or are not,committed to the one you are with.Flirting is not harmless or innocent.It leads o other things.

4:20PM PST on Nov 18, 2011


11:50AM PDT on Oct 12, 2011

Why is it that people see the online world as something entirely separate from reality. Cheating is cheating whether it's online or in person.

6:02AM PDT on Aug 24, 2011

I think online flirting is harmless. It's not wrong to like other people when dating or married.

8:20PM PDT on Jul 31, 2011

It is cheating. It's the thought that counts, not the actual act.

3:56PM PDT on Jul 13, 2011

Yes, I view online flirting as cheating. If you are happy with your partner and love them, you should not flirt with other people, online, face-to-face, over the phone, whatever. Flirting with someone else is cheating, no matter what medium is used.

7:46PM PDT on Jul 6, 2011

don't forget, on line flirting, you might not get what you want. you might have a board teen boy who is good at typing like a woman.
then what? you get arrested for flitring with a teen

8:18PM PDT on Jun 21, 2011

stop tracking

6:43AM PDT on Jun 21, 2011

Nope - it's fun. What's wrong with online flirting? You wouldn't get the girl pregnant would you? Attitude, my boy attitude. If you are positive then online flirting will give you a great high!

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