The Obamas' Marriage: Can A Partnership Be Equal If One Person is President?
posted by: Amelia Thomson-DeVeaux 60 days ago
This coming Sunday's New York Times Magazine cover is emblazoned with a shadowy picture of Barack and Michelle Obama on a dusty stage, smiling at each other and touching, about to embrace. Superimposed over the photo is text: "The First Marriage - It's Modern - It's a Formidable International Brand - And It's An Ongoing Negotiation." Dramatic much? But then, we haven't seen this kind of infatuation with a First Couple since the Kennedys.
The profile of the Obamas' marriage, written by Jodi Kantor, stretches back to the early days of their courtship, and traces through the years of Barack Obama's stints in the Illinois State Senate and the U.S. Senate, his failed candidacies and extended periods of time away from home. The Obamas, the youngest couple to enter the White House for quite some time, have a lot of mystique attached to their relationship, mostly because it is not disastrous or adulterous, and the First Lady decidedly does not stay out of sight. But the saga of the Obamas' evolving partnership is interesting because although they do seem to prize equality, Michelle has given up more. And this is a story that will continue to evolve through (at least) the next three years, as we see whether the Obamas can actually swing what seems to be the impossible: an equal marriage, when one of the the partners is the president.
I wrote a few days ago about how much it irritates me when men use "having a strong woman in their life" as an excuse not to talk about their own gender biases (although for the record, I do not care about the President's all-male basketball games). This is perhaps one reason why I love Michelle Obama so much - she just doesn't let Barack Obama get away with that kind of non-answer. Early on in the profile, Kantor asks the million-dollar question. Barack hemmed and hawed, saying, "My staff worries a lot more about what the first lady thinks than they worry about what I think."
Michelle answered more honestly. “Clearly Barack’s career decisions are leading us," she said. "They’re not mine; that’s obvious. I’m married to the President of the United States. I don’t have another job, and it would be problematic in this role. So that — you can’t even measure that.”
There are too many comparisons to the Clintons in here for my taste (is it really necessary to try to figure out which of the Obamas is "Bill" and which is "Hillary" - they're different people, for goodness' sake!). For me, the most relevant part lies in the compromises that Michelle in particular made for her husband's career - despite the fact that people often talk about how she is an inextricable part of his presidency. In fact, Kantor writes that Michelle actively worked, during the campaign, to appear to be a charismatic counterpoint to Hillary Clinton:
"It was essential for the Obama campaign to present some sort of accomplished female counterweight to Hillary Clinton, to convince Democratic women that they could vote for Barack Obama and a powerful female figure besides. Consciously or not, Michelle made herself into an appealing contrast to the front-runner. She was candid; Hillary was often guarded. Michelle represented the idea that a little black girl from the South Side of Chicago could grow up to be first lady of the United States; Hillary stood for the hold of the already-powerful on the political system. And Michelle seemed to have the kind of marriage many people might aspire to; Hillary did not."
Like Kate Harding, who wrote a great post for Jezebel about this, that passage seems a little sad to me. Hillary Clinton does not represent the establishment - or at least, no more than the equally Ivy-League-educated Barack Obama. And Michelle, if anything, represents to little girls on the South Side of Chicago that they could grow up and marry someone powerful. That doesn't sound all that empowering to me.
But then again, Michelle does not seem to have the same political aspirations that Hillary Clinton had, and she gave up her particular fairy-tale vision of an ideal marriage long ago. One story stands out more than others - Michelle took baby Sasha to a job interview once, because their babysitter canceled and Barack was away. In many ways, Michelle was for years a single mother. Now they are in the White House, they are under the same roof for seven nights a week; that was never true before. But they are honest about the difficulties of their marriage, just as they are candid in public about their affection for each other. I enjoyed Kantor's profile of the Obamas, just as I am proud to have them in the White House - because they are open about the good and the bad, and I don't think Michelle in particular attempts to paint their marriage as one that is perfectly equal - because it's not.
The image of a flawless relationship is "the last thing that we want to project," Michelle told Kantor. "It's unfair to the institution of marriage, and it's unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn't exist." But it is refreshing to have a couple in the White House who are trying, openly and lovingly, to work out the kinks in a relationship that has never been easy, but has always been worth it.
The profile of the Obamas' marriage, written by Jodi Kantor, stretches back to the early days of their courtship, and traces through the years of Barack Obama's stints in the Illinois State Senate and the U.S. Senate, his failed candidacies and extended periods of time away from home. The Obamas, the youngest couple to enter the White House for quite some time, have a lot of mystique attached to their relationship, mostly because it is not disastrous or adulterous, and the First Lady decidedly does not stay out of sight. But the saga of the Obamas' evolving partnership is interesting because although they do seem to prize equality, Michelle has given up more. And this is a story that will continue to evolve through (at least) the next three years, as we see whether the Obamas can actually swing what seems to be the impossible: an equal marriage, when one of the the partners is the president.
I wrote a few days ago about how much it irritates me when men use "having a strong woman in their life" as an excuse not to talk about their own gender biases (although for the record, I do not care about the President's all-male basketball games). This is perhaps one reason why I love Michelle Obama so much - she just doesn't let Barack Obama get away with that kind of non-answer. Early on in the profile, Kantor asks the million-dollar question. Barack hemmed and hawed, saying, "My staff worries a lot more about what the first lady thinks than they worry about what I think."
Michelle answered more honestly. “Clearly Barack’s career decisions are leading us," she said. "They’re not mine; that’s obvious. I’m married to the President of the United States. I don’t have another job, and it would be problematic in this role. So that — you can’t even measure that.”
There are too many comparisons to the Clintons in here for my taste (is it really necessary to try to figure out which of the Obamas is "Bill" and which is "Hillary" - they're different people, for goodness' sake!). For me, the most relevant part lies in the compromises that Michelle in particular made for her husband's career - despite the fact that people often talk about how she is an inextricable part of his presidency. In fact, Kantor writes that Michelle actively worked, during the campaign, to appear to be a charismatic counterpoint to Hillary Clinton:
"It was essential for the Obama campaign to present some sort of accomplished female counterweight to Hillary Clinton, to convince Democratic women that they could vote for Barack Obama and a powerful female figure besides. Consciously or not, Michelle made herself into an appealing contrast to the front-runner. She was candid; Hillary was often guarded. Michelle represented the idea that a little black girl from the South Side of Chicago could grow up to be first lady of the United States; Hillary stood for the hold of the already-powerful on the political system. And Michelle seemed to have the kind of marriage many people might aspire to; Hillary did not."
Like Kate Harding, who wrote a great post for Jezebel about this, that passage seems a little sad to me. Hillary Clinton does not represent the establishment - or at least, no more than the equally Ivy-League-educated Barack Obama. And Michelle, if anything, represents to little girls on the South Side of Chicago that they could grow up and marry someone powerful. That doesn't sound all that empowering to me.
But then again, Michelle does not seem to have the same political aspirations that Hillary Clinton had, and she gave up her particular fairy-tale vision of an ideal marriage long ago. One story stands out more than others - Michelle took baby Sasha to a job interview once, because their babysitter canceled and Barack was away. In many ways, Michelle was for years a single mother. Now they are in the White House, they are under the same roof for seven nights a week; that was never true before. But they are honest about the difficulties of their marriage, just as they are candid in public about their affection for each other. I enjoyed Kantor's profile of the Obamas, just as I am proud to have them in the White House - because they are open about the good and the bad, and I don't think Michelle in particular attempts to paint their marriage as one that is perfectly equal - because it's not.
The image of a flawless relationship is "the last thing that we want to project," Michelle told Kantor. "It's unfair to the institution of marriage, and it's unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn't exist." But it is refreshing to have a couple in the White House who are trying, openly and lovingly, to work out the kinks in a relationship that has never been easy, but has always been worth it.
Read more: marriage, women, politics, barack obama, michelle obama, first couple, married to the president
comments
It says in the Talmud everyone has a job to do. In spite of Ayn Rand's dollar sign, perhaps the most important jobs are those not paid.
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why is this inappropriate?
This item has motivated a desire to open a crack somewhere to allow a gush of much too long held back floodwaters to escape and hopefully to get thru to the people of America to place greater value on the current and past first ladies. None more so than the current president himself.
I could begin a serious campaign to find the way to have women who are women achieve leadership and speak out for their femininity (as opposed to feminism which to me is about women wanting power and generally to be like men (WHY? WHY? WHY? - intelligent feminine women ARE the best species on the planet - why denigrate yourselves to perhaps the worst?).
Emulating men (we are so strong, so tough, so able to make the hard decisions which are of course so noble!) does not help - eg Maggie Thatcher - the epitome of such manlike women.
Michelle Obama the foundation stone for such a dream?
What if she could be convinced to be his formally recognized "other" Vice President? What if, Barack could be convinced that she should sit at any table she chooses to sit at, with the right to a voice.
Truth is, Nancy, Hillary, apparently Eleanor and no doubt many more exercised enormous unrecognized influence. I find it hard to believe that most of the compassion emanating from most presidents has not come from strong influence of their real VP's.
And the fact that she is not paid to do the job is an absurdity in a country where far less difficult and taxing jobs are paid outrageously huge co
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Yes, it certainly does!
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"Susan Z," Thank you. For a while I thought Rush Limbaugh wasn't touching anyone any more. Thank God, the dull & ignorant still DO exist in America. (It gets boring dealing with educated people some times)!
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Billy W - I am not even going to waste my precious breath on the likes of smuk like u. Gud luck to u. God Bless
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I am proud to be an American who voted to bring the first African-American family to the White House. The Obama's are a great and interesting family. It's refreshing to read an article about the President that isn't politically oriented and that doesn't do any criticizing! I say "Thank-you" for an article that might be seen as a bit of "fluff" about President Obama and his family.
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If you keep your personal life separate from your job yes but if you bring your job home with you NO because there will be an argument over what you are doing wrong or right
That goes for anybody that is married no matter what their jobs are and that is a fact.
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Whenever I'm in the company of trolls, I remind myself that even idiots are guaranteed the right to free expression of stupid ideas.
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My Hobby since I retired, at a very decent age, is making Liberal Pukes angry! Thank each and every one of you for making me smile with your comments, especially those Vain Hussein, the Narcissist, fans! Keep up the blabbering of nonsense, it will be a great help in 2010. From the looks of it, not much standing in the way for 2012 either. I'm Lovin It!
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Oesi L. -you are not a very educated white European, I guess you never heard of Communism? Obama is the beginning of the end of freedom for this country and its future as we living here know it. Obama is a crook, a lier, another good car salesman. His whole cabinet is filled with crooks, tax evaders, child molesters and even his preacher is an American hater. I hope you would look at the fact that Obama is not good for this country, spends too much of "our tax money" on stupid "mr. fix-it jobs" that do nothing but waste more money and make more people jobless like me. He is a "dictator want-to-be" and wants to do nothing good for this country at all. He is more interested in traveling for this like Olympics for Chicago than thinking about the people who are homeless, jobless, and on hard times. he is not a good president and the poles say there are more people against him than for him now because now those who voted for him are now seein their mistake. Who cares of he and Michelle get along. Did anyone care about the Bush's, no. Also, I wish people would stop calling him the "First Black President". He is not Black, he is mulatto, half white and half black. I guess he does not want to acknowledge the white mother who abandoned him, the black father who abandoned him either. There was a white grandmother who did take him in though. Where was there no black family to take him in? The only thing I care about Obama is how soon can we get him out of office.
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