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Loading...Rape: Is It Really All That Bad?
- by Jeff Fecke
- December 11, 2012
- 7:38 pm
But don’t get Royse wrong. This isn’t the woman’s fault.
This is not a “some girls, they rape so easy”¯ story. I promise. This is a “some signals, they read so wrong”¯ story.
Well, that makes it better. If the lady hadn’t protested too much, I might have thought that previous paragraph, in which the writer lovingly described how this harlot had been leading her innocent rapist friend on, was classic and obvious victim blaming. But there’s a two-sentence disclaimer here, so it’s all better.
Besides, it’s not like the guy rape-raped this former sex worker and slut, right?
On the night in question, there was drinking. A lot of it. I wasn’t there, but there was probably some drugging. There was music and dancing. At some point, people started clustering off into smaller groups, some of which turned sexual. My friend and this woman fell asleep together. And by all accounts, when she woke up, he was penetrating her.
Oh.
Well. To hell with that guy.
Even if Royse’s friend got a clear go sign, and even if he and his victim went back to bed willingly and happily, at some point he crossed the line, clearly and unquestionably: when he decided to have sex with her while she was unconscious.
Incidentally, this is where I stop believing that this rapist was ever in doubt that he was a rapist. Most people who want to have sex want their partner to be responsive. A big part of sex is that it involves more than just you, after all; it’s really better if all parties are enjoying themselves.
That doesn’t mean you can’t wake up your partner for sex. It happens all the time. But waking your partner up for sex requires waking your partner up.
There are only two reasons to have sex with someone who is asleep. The first is that your partner has told you that he or she would like to be woken up that way, and gives you free consent to do so. The second is that you want to get sex going before your partner can stop you. In other words, you want to rape them.
To Royse’s credit, she acknowledges that yes, this was rape. But then she spends the rest of the column wringing her hands about mixed messages, and how it’s just so hard for men to know if they’re raping their unconscious partners.
To a large degree, my friend thought he was doing what was expected. And while he was wrong, weeks of flirting, provocative dancing and intimate innuendo led him to believe that sex was the logical conclusion of their social intercourse. Many people watching it unfold would have thought that, too.
Of course they would all be wrong. But if something walks like a fuck and talks like fuck, at what point are we supposed to understand that it’s not a fuck? Our binary language of “yes means yes” and “no means no”¯ doesn’t address the entire spectrum of both spoken language and body language, which mean different things to different people.
I would love for “no means no”¯ to work, but it doesn’t.
How do I know it doesn’t work? I know because my friend raped someone and didn’t even know it.
First off, I doubt that he didn’t know it. I think he knew damn well what he was doing.
But let’s say he didn’t, for argument’s sake. Whose fault is that? Yes, society is very good at sending mixed messages about sex. Men are pushed to be aggressive in wooing a mate. This is an unquestionably bad thing.
Read more: date rape, rape, rape apology, sexual assault, The Good Men Project
Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may
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+ add your ownwhat kind of f*@king question is this!! how about writing something worth reading!
"...my friend raped someone and didn’t even know it."
Oh brother, come on, dear, are you serious? Okay, I can understand in a way --- sort of ---- why she would think this. Every time we discuss what rape is, it seems to boil down to whether or not the victim said "no". As if this complicated and volatile issue only involves one simple word.
The fact is, it isn't just "no", as is obvious in this situation, it is more about CONSENT --- you know --- yes, no, not now, and all the usual stand-up comedy jokes, "I have a headache, etc."
As long as the person does not want sex or is incapable of saying they want sex, and the perpetrator goes ahead anyway --- that's rape.
I can understand this poor fool's confusion about this woman. But I refuse to accuse her of bringing it on herself. It is apparent she has a mental problem. For reasons of her own, she needs to feel loved and she does it through sex. Hey guys, women like this need help not sex. I know, I went through it looking for a substitution for the male figure who didn't know how to be a father.
But, something else guys, you can't ambush someone. The only good sex, is from mutual love, caring, and desire for closeness. Otherwise, it isn't about sex, it's about power and control.
The title makes me cringe..............jeez
Rape is the next worst thing that a man can do to a girl or woman, If definitely guilty then some type of castration is in order.
What type of man wants to have sex with a comatose person? Sex is should be a shared experience, giving and taking of pleasure for both.
ty
Loretta K said " She won't dress indecently or provocatively...."
Loretta, you seem to be under the mistaken belief that rape is about sex, it isn't. It is about power. A woman who "dresses provocatively" is not responsible for being raped anymore than a child or an 80 year old grandmother in her bathrobe.
I am sorry, but I will not join you in blaming the victims of rape for rape!
Of course no means no, but any smart women will not get drunk or stoned while out with the opposite sex or at a gathering and won't leave her drink or food unguarded and unwatched in a public place. She won't dress indecently or provocatively. She won't lead men on. To prevent forcible rape by strangers she needs to be aware of her surroundings at all times.It is indeed a depraved person who uses babies and children for sex.
Thank you.
Cet homme a eu une relation sexuelle avec une femme inconsciente. Comment pourrait elle dire non. C' est un viol. Même si les deux personnes s' appréciaient, si la femme flirter avec lui; cela ne veut pas dire qu' elle veut avoir des relations sexuelles. L' amour se fait à deux : conscient, avec consentement mutuel, et plaisir.
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