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Should You Compromise On Your Wedding Menu?

Should You Compromise On Your Wedding Menu?

Your wedding may be the most important day of your life, but in the planning phases, you can start to feel like an elopement would be the best possible option. The decisions you need to make never seem to end, and neither do the checks you need to write, which appear to get bigger and bigger as the day approaches. One of the most fraught subjects of discussion can be the menu, especially if members of the wedding party are vegan or vegetarian.

While the wedding is theoretically about the people committing to each other, the guests carry their own expectations, and for carnivores, one of those is meat on the menu. As the courses come out of the kitchen or they sidle up to the buffet, there will be some downcast and disappointed faces if meat, poultry or fish aren’t represented among the options.

“It just doesn’t feel like a meal,” some people say, “without meat.”

Which leaves vegetarians and vegans in a sticky spot.

Option one: serve an all-vegan or all-vegetarian meal (and skip a lot of food sensitivities along the way, which can be a significant issue in today’s era), and prepare for some seriously cantankerous guests.

Option two: compromise, serving some vegetarian items even if the wedding party is vegan, or some meat products as a concession to carnivorous guests.

I talked to two different vegan friends who made two different choices for their weddings: one who opted to cater to the requests of family and friends, and one who chose to stick with his ethical beliefs when it came to what he served at his wedding. Their responses were interesting and illuminating.

Both have been vegan for more than ten years. As the friend who chose to serve meat described it, though, he felt like the wishes of his father were an important consideration. While his father didn’t outright demand that meat be served, he certainly implied it, and my friend felt that other relatives with conservative tastes might prefer to have a carnivorous option. Since his father purchased the animal products for the wedding menu and handled the preparation, his concession didn’t involve having to personally pay for or handle the meat, and thus he felt it was a reasonable compromise to make.

On the other hand, my other friend was staunchly opposed to serving meat at his wedding, for ethical reasons. No matter who paid for it — and who asked for it — he had no interest in having meat available, although he and his fiancÚ did agree to serve some dairy, since she’s vegetarian. He told me that thanks to his infamous reputation for stubbornness, the family effectively accepted that no meat would be served and the matter wasn’t up for discussion.

The decisions behind choosing to serve meat at a wedding can involve some complex exploration of personal ethics and willingness to compromise. For practicing vegans who choose to refrain from eating animal products because they have concerns about animal welfare or believe strongly in animal rights, participating in the distribution of meat, even indirectly, may be too much of a compromise to make due to personal values. Those who aren’t eating meat for health reasons may feel less passionately about it.

In both cases, though, external pressures from family and friends can add unnecessarily to already-existing stress about a wedding. If you’re helping plan a wedding, or you’ve been asked to comment on it, it’s worth considering whether you want to ask people to compromise their values for a day so you can have some salmon with butter-lemon sauce, or if you can go a day without animal products in a diet.

Going vegan or vegetarian for a day isn’t likely to kill you, and you ámight just be introduced to some cool new flavors.

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Vegan cake photo by Andrew Hitchcock.

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98 comments

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8:29PM PST on Nov 8, 2013

Don't forget about those of us who are vegan for environmental reasons!

1:08AM PDT on Oct 28, 2013

TO EACH THEIR OWN.

3:40PM PDT on Oct 5, 2013

Vegetarian meals can be delicious, such as food from India.

Vegan meals, I'm not so sure. Perhaps someone planning a vegan menu could have an omnivore do a "test drive" to ensure that the resulting meal would be tasty.

Regardless of the cuisine, because so many people now have allergies (peanuts, gluten, lactose, ...), a good host at the very least should inform guests as to what they're eating.

11:56PM PDT on Sep 30, 2013

Thanks

10:43PM PDT on Sep 30, 2013

Forget all this hassle & expense - elope.

6:46AM PDT on Sep 30, 2013

I think its only fair to cater for both vegetarians as well as meat eaters, where I am from a huge deal is made about weddings..

I feel as though, if I am invited to a wedding, and I buy a gift which NEVER costs less than Eur70 and I am a meat eater.. and everything served is vegan, I would be very very unhappy

its only fair to cater for both.. becuase same like you (who's getting married) paid for the food and drinks, the rest of us paid a hefty price for the gifts!

4:33PM PDT on Sep 29, 2013

As others have already said since when is your wedding the most important day of your life!? It is the long term marriage that counts not one day! But it is an important day as it is often bringing together families for the first time and setting the tone for families for the future--thus I think it is important to be considerate of everyone. And of course as others have already said there is no need to have a big dinner at all but if you do just be sure to have a couple of options available. If you serve vegan food though make sure you don't serve unhealthy junk like GMO soy fake meat products those are way worse for you and the environment than meat! When my husband and I got married (we are older and this was not my first time) we had a grill and supplied free range chicken and marinated organic tempeh (all the vegetarians loved it and some of the omnivores ate it too!), and I did gluten free chocolate brownies and lemon bars instead of cake--all pretty on a cupcake stand. The rest was a potluck and everyone brought some amazing food--many vegetarian and omnivore options. We only had a small family and close friends event--so much more fun and better food than any catered event I have ever attended. We also do not drink and have relatives we did not want drinking so we did not have any--we had some delicious sparkling juices instead and lemonade.

12:36PM PDT on Sep 29, 2013

If I go to an event where the hosts are observant Jews, I do not expect pork or shellfish to be served. If I go to an event where the host is in recovery, I do not expect alcohol to be served. If I go to an event where the hosts are vegetarian or vegan, I do not expect meat to be served.

10:55AM PDT on Sep 29, 2013

When I got married we had sandwiches and cake so we wouldn't waste anything. The only thing we ran out of was champagne!

9:38AM PDT on Sep 28, 2013

Thank you S. E. Smith, for Sharing this!

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Beth Buczynski Beth is a freelance writer and editor living in the Rocky Mountain West. So far, Beth has lived in... more
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