10 Caregiver Secrets We Aren’t Proud Of

By Carol Bradley Bursack, AgingCare.com

Wouldn’t it be nice to be perfect? Wouldn’t it be nice to be a caregiver who had only loving thoughts every moment of the caregiving day? Maybe there are caregivers like that. If you are one of them, I truly congratulate you. Most of us who have been through years of caregiving will not fall into that category. I don’t. How about you? Here’s a sampling of “caregiver confessions” that I’ve heard. You’ll likely feel better just reading them.

Caregiver Confession #1: “I have no life of my own and I’m sick of it.”

Caregivers often run from person to person, job to care receiver, home to nursing home, never really having time to do something that they want to do – just for themselves. If this describes your life, you are over-ready to get outside help. Whether that means some in-home care for respite so you can get away, or a sibling to step in so you don’t have to spend every moment of every day as a caregiver, it’s time to get a grip on your life. If you don’t, you may burn out, get sick yourself, or even die before the care receiver. Who wins then? No one.

Caregiver Confession #2: “Mom acts like my boss even when it comes to what I eat.”

Elders in need of constant care feel their own pain. They generally feel a lack of control over their lives, as bit by bit their abilities slip away. This can make some of them disagreeable and bossy. Generally, the answer to this is to learn to detach with love. If she picks on you for eating junk food, just let it go. You need to set some boundaries around what you will respond to. Some things are irritating but really not that important.

“I Secretly Wish My Elderly Mother Would Die”

Often, if an elderly parent is bossy and critical, it’s more about her than you. By detaching – not reacting, but just saying something like, “I’m sorry that’s bothering you,” and then moving on with what you are doing, you will not be giving in to her nagging. You’ll be respectful of her sense of loss, but you won’t be a doormat. She will likely get tired of trying to boss you around if you ignore her behavior rather than arguing with her.

10 Caregiver Confessions: Secrets We Aren’t Proud Of originally appeared on AgingCare.com

1 of 4

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Rose B.

3:22PM PST on Jan 27, 2012

It's tough being a caregiver 24/7, I can relate to these!

send a green star

Lynde T.

2:14PM PST on Jan 27, 2012

I was a CNA in a nursing home for 2 years. The stress from 32 hours a week was bad enough, I couldn't imagine taking care of a family member 24/7. Kudos to those of you who do!

Kathy K.

8:51PM PST on Jan 4, 2012

I can *so* relate.

Dian P.

10:24AM PDT on Nov 3, 2011

I really appreciate all the caregiving tips; I am an only child whose mother has been in the nursing home since 2006 w/Alzheimers. This year has been a rough one because since January she has been taking more serious steps down that Alzheimers road! It sometimes starts to take it's toll on me & I am trying to stay focused in order to help my mother to the best of my ability. It helps a great deal to read so many helpful tips to succeed on this journey with her.

Irma P.

12:48AM PDT on Oct 31, 2011

Caregiving is physically and emotionally draining and they're just human ... I should know.

Bonnie S.

12:33PM PDT on Oct 16, 2011

I moved my family from one coast to the other to look after my parents. I had been in a wheelchair myself for a year, so I knew many things to do to make caring for an invalid much easier for both parties. Changes, even small ones were a source of problems til I began to question myself.

To give myself some confidence, I sat down with a tablet and pen and wrote down all the small changes I had made. By the time I had filled a whole tablet sheet, I confirmed to myself all the right things were being done. (ie a lift chair, a walker, a remote telephone, wheelchair to fit in the car for appointments, etc)

That exercise gave me the confidence and patience to keep on.

Serena A.

8:35PM PDT on Oct 14, 2011

thx

Carole R.

7:29PM PDT on Oct 14, 2011

Thanks for the eye-opening article. It's like Bette Davis said "getting old ain't for sissies".

Michele W.

5:59AM PDT on Oct 14, 2011

Thank you

Rhoda S.

10:50AM PDT on Oct 13, 2011

There needs to be a separate article for the feelings a caregiver develops with regard to their siblings. In my experience they often make the work only more difficult. The absent brother, the emotionally vacant brother, etc. No one else knows until they've experienced this to just what extent your own life has to be put on hold. I know this was my choice, I take responsibility for this. But what started as a good intention, to extend my Mom's independence, has ended up with me wanting to disown my siblings- the very ones who are supposed to lighten the load and provide me with those much needed "breaks". Every time I read the advice to "take time for yourself" I want to laugh, because it was likely written by someone with zero experience. Siblings taking Mom to care for her is always full of mental stresses of many varieties due to the sibling/family dysfunction. I'm done with this, it is no longer about my Mom's independence but my sanity.