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10 Sarcastic Reasons To Not Come Out Of The Closet

10 Sarcastic Reasons To Not Come Out Of The Closet

By Rick Clemons for

In honor of National Coming Out Day, I thought I’d stir up the pot and go a little rogue. You see, there are times that, as the Coming Out Coach, I think it’s wrong to come out of the closet. Not because you’ll lose friends, possibly be fired in 29 states, or maybe even contract an STD (that never happens to heterosexuals).

Believe it or not, I actually have ten other reasons why you should definitely not come out of the closet. However, before I divulge them, I want to give you an email address to send your hate mail after you read this article. Please send all correspondence to Excellent; shall we move on?

More from YourTango: How Coming Out Strengthened My Nonromantic Relationships

Coming out is a very personal decision that, honestly, should be kept entirely to yourself. Nobody else really needs to know about your fantasies regarding people of the same sex (they’re gross) and it makes people uncomfortable when they hear stories about homosexual attractions; queasy, even, if we’re talking about two guys. Lesbians, on the other hand, aren’t quite as bad on account of women being the inferior sex and simply not knowing any better. It’s a stroke to the heterosexual male’s ego to imagine being catered to sexually by two women who are also satisfying each other in front of his eyes. That’s just one shade off of hetero-normative and is completely acceptable: ladies, feel free to make out with each other. Yet, I digress from the focus of this article.

10 Great Reasons Not To Come Out Of The Closet:

1. It makes everyone else so much more comfortable if you don’t come out.
It’s your duty in life to ensure that what you do in the comfort of your own home doesn’t affect others — and don’t you forget it. Your role is to make every one else comfortable with how you live your life.

2. Politicians are already too overwhelmed.
It’s hard enough to balance a budget, let alone stop bickering over special interests, so by staying in the closet and not adding another member to the “gay agenda” you’re giving politicians a little more peace of mind. It’s your patriotic duty, really.

3. No one needs to get hurt except you.
Even though you appear to be a “married heterosexual” with two kids, the fact that you’re actually a miserable married heterosexual with two kids suppressing your homosexual tendencies is affecting only you. No need to drive your spouse and the kiddos into therapy. Let’s keep it simple, cut down on mental health expenses, and just let those little voices in your head drive you crazy. It’s cheaper that way.

4. For men only: Undergear models will still have a job if you stay in the closet.
If you guys come out of the closet, those perfectly chiseled Undergear male models would no longer have closeted fans hoarding away their catalogues! Hello: no catalogues means no models, no postage, no printing, no film shoots, no photographers… you get the drift. You come out of the closet and you cause unemployment. Do you really want that kind of responsibility?

More from YourTango: 4 Valuable Lessons We Learned From Coming Out

5. For women only: the heterosexual male ego won’t be traumatized if you stay in the closet.
Men are very insecure; we all know this. That’s why they have to thump their chests, grunt and constantly prove their masculinity. If lesbians keep coming out, these poor straight guys will go crazy trying to figure out why they can’t turn you the other direction. Don’t be selfish, lesbians.

6. Honesty, integrity and authenticity are overrated.
Even though “coming out” is a mark of honesty, integrity, authenticity and an assortment of other “high-value” words, all these feelings and characteristics are overrated. You’re really not going to feel any better. It’s just a myth coming from the millions of gays and lesbians who are already out. They’re actually quite miserable and wish they hadn’t been so honest.

7. Your sanity isn’t that important.
It’s a crazy, crazy world, so why would you want to become one of the sane ones by coming out? Buck it up, jump into the fray with everyone else, and let this confusing sexual orientation deal be your “thing”. Everybody needs a thing.

8. Being heterosexual isn’t all that bad.
Wait. I mean pretending to be heterosexual isn’t all that bad. For centuries, men and women from all walks of life have hidden their true sexual energy, and they’ve gone on to live happy, productive, married, or single lives. True, they’ve been having flings on the side, hiding out in chat rooms, and posting false profiles on hook-up apps. Who’s it hurting? Um, no one, because there are a ton of others doing the same thing. You’re in great company!

9. True love and dynamite sex are what romance novels are made of; not real life.
While you may think that “coming out” will lead you to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right and having mind-blowing sex, it’s all a myth. First, you have to give up your hard-earned values and have random sex with lots of different partners, because that’s how all out people live their lives. By the time you’re done sleeping around, you’re either morally compromised, have an STD, or immune to what real love looks like. So save yourself the heartache and effort! Put your fantasy to rest and just marry a nice heterosexual.

More from YourTango: ‘Coming Out’ Isn’t A Moment; It’s Way Of Life

10. I don’t want to be unemployed.
Sorry, I’m going to be a little selfish. If you come out, then what am I supposed to do? Coach people to be happy? Ugh! How boring would that be? The more you people “come out”, the closer I get to being out of business, so just stay in the closet and let me help you feel better about yourself. My goal isn’t to help you love yourself and be happy — it’s to keep myself employed.

…Okay, time for some real talk. Honestly, if you’ve bought into any of these reasons for not coming out of the closet, then I’ve got an iceberg in Arizona to sell you.

In true honor of National Coming Out Day, and to be fully supportive of you and your journey — or that of someone you know who may be struggling, I encourage you to come out. Being who you really are is powerful, and that power impacts all aspects of life. It can lead to deeper levels of happiness and peace. The only thing standing between you and your true self… is you.

This National Coming Out Day I invite you — all of you — gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, gender non-conforming, etc. to take the brave bold step and “come out”. Be yourself, just as you are, for your own health, wellness, and happiness.

And hey: as one last tip, even though it’s National Coming Out Day, that doesn’t mean you have to come out. We all come out at exactly the same time… when we’re ready.

Happy National Coming Out Day, everyone!

In honor of National Coming Out Day, my phone lines are open for free coaching from 8:30 a.m.-7:00 p.m. Pacific Time Zone. If the lines are busy, leave a message and I will call you back.

949.637.1838 and 949.371.8559.

This article originally appeared on National Coming Out Day: 10 Cheeky Reasons To Stay In The Closet.

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+ add your own
8:55PM PST on Dec 28, 2013

LOL just the kind of witty humor I love! Great article, thanks!

1:29PM PST on Nov 30, 2013

Great post, thanks!

1:42PM PST on Nov 26, 2013

i loved this. thanks for sharing :)

1:26PM PST on Nov 18, 2013

yes you hide in the closet someone will open that and what do you say jump out and say "BOOO" with lipstick on your lips and pink thongs..with luck they have camera waiting just for you to come out !

5:21PM PST on Nov 17, 2013

There was this gay guy coming out of the closet until he got stuck in the door.

3:52PM PST on Nov 13, 2013


1:08PM PST on Nov 13, 2013

Very amusing. Satire is great for pointing fun at serious topics. Thanks.

4:44AM PST on Nov 13, 2013

May I respectfully suggest heather g untill you attend one of "those Gay Parade Days" you won,t know what your missing!! By the way it,s Gay Pride needs no explanation.

4:29PM PST on Nov 12, 2013

Forwarded to my gay friends...pretty funny

2:28PM PST on Nov 12, 2013

Thanks for dry humour; I wonder how many people might take this one seriously.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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