By Vicki Santillano, DivineCaroline
It just doesn’t feel like the holidays until you spot the first snowflake–or reindeer-speckled sweater of the season. Such sightings are as honored and eagerly anticipated a tradition as hanging stockings over the fireplace or leaving cookies out for Santa. But just when you think you’ve seen the worst abomination ever made in the name of Christmas, someone designs a sweater with angel bears or pervert Santa, and the kitschy stakes are raised yet again. These holiday sweaters are the best of the worst by far, but who knows what the rest of the season has in store for us?
Angel Bears To The Rescue
This supposedly unisex sweater (I’d like to see any guy wear this of his own free will) combines all of the season’s magic—bells, helpful angel bears, and a tree severely lacking in ornaments—into one special sweater.
Rest In Presents
Because its colors aren’t nearly garish enough, this sweater is battery-operated, which means the sad string of lights surrounding what looks like Santa’s coffin will draw even more attention to the disturbing scene. At least he’ll have that pile of presents to keep him company in the afterlife.
Thank goodness for “clever” sweaters like this one because they help us normal folks know who to steer clear of at a party or bus stop. Approach anyone wearing this and you’ll likely get a kick under the mistletoe instead.
It Feels More Like Nausea
An open plea to clothing designers: please don’t give iconic childhood heroes creepy sexual vibes. I don’t want to see ol’ St. Nick groping some busty female any more than I want to see Mr. Rogers flashing people on the subway.
Is It Christmas Or An Acid Flashback?
What does Jerry Garcia have to do with the holidays? Not a whole lot, other than the fact that his name rhymes with “merry” and he sort of looks like Santa Claus. He also struggled with a very serious drug addiction, but if that’s the kind of holiday you’re looking for, Jerry Christmas to you and yours.
Extreme In Its Subtlety
Watch out for the crazy character donning this sweater! The light gray color just screams “life of the Christmas party”—though in a very understated, really nonexistent way. He’s probably got on a red-and-green-sequin T-shirt underneath, though.
Needs A Little Somethin’ Extra
Whereas the last sweater was drabber than drab, this one has so much tackiness going on, it’s hard to know where to focus your eyes. Should you zoom in on the decorative cotton puffs at the neckline, on the ’70s-style flower print that’s vaguely seasonal, or on the giant stocking inexplicably sewn onto the front like some kind of reindeer Bjorn?
Bear Has A Boo-Boo
This poor guy has a nasty yellow tumor growing out of his neck, but has that killed his Christmas spirit? Not a chance! The small white circles on his cheeks mean that he’s extra excited, not that he’s inching that much closer to death.
It’s All Here
A good Christmas sweater represents every aspect of the holiday, even if it means moving images onto the not-so-coveted sleeve territory. (Poor Santa.) But the best part of this sweater are the small bells attached to the tree, which will announce to everyone within earshot that you and your heinous sweater are on the move
With this ornament-covered sweater, you’re a living, walking Christmas tree, delivering messages of ghost-shaped doves and poorly written greetings everywhere you go. But while the ornaments suggest whimsy, the sharp stars and shoulder pads show that you mean serious business—serious Christmas business.