Call me crazy, but I adore a good ugly Christmas sweater. Perhaps it’s my penchant for underdogs. The ugliest root vegetables, the Charlie Brown Christmas tree, the frumpy pet–they put me in a swoon far deeper than their more-perfect counterparts could ever come close to. But when it comes to sweaters, I don’t know. Although for many, an ugly Christmas sweater might encourage wishes for moths (albeit a new species of polyester-eating moth for this genre of jumpers) I feel nothing but a (slightly irritated) fondness for the earnest spangled tops. With that in mind, I gathered a gaggle of some of the ugliest, festively festooned sweaters I could find. Which one do you love-hate the most?
Pictured above: Kudos to Coke for managing an excess of product placement in a sweater. Demerits for the creepy pyramid of mutant revelers, including Button Face and Sawed-in-Half Girl.
Mark my words, this snowman is on a watch list somewhere.
If you don’t find the reindeer caricatures and mint green hue too repellent, I have two words for you: lights up! As QVQ notes in the descriptive text, “Twinkling colors bring merriment to the whimsical winter scene…a pocket inside the comfy tunic hides the wire–just plug it in for a little holi-dazzle; unplug it for convenient hand washing.” What’s not to love–a sweater that doubles as a reading light.
Snow bunny! Nothing says Merry Christmas like objectifying the female body. But I’m sure most people would wear this for the articles.
For the goth in all of us–a black holiday sweater replete with linoleum floor tile background, boot planters, and an Invisible Santa.
Class. Pure class.
Somewhere, a Barbie is naked.
From Rusty Zipper comes this uber 1980′s color-changing long-sleeve christmas sweatshirt. Because when all is said and done, the cacophony of cheer just isn’t quite festive enough–this sweatshirt needs the extra oomph of changing from white to pink with the application of heat. (A top so ugly it blushes.) And bonus points for the red mock turtleneck.
Taking the ugly Christmas sweaters to all new heights is the “Womens Leather-Knit Christmas Swacket.” Yes, swacket! And to think, this not-so-soft-and-cozy abomination can be yours for a mere $209.00.
Straight from the Island of Misfit Sweaters, this red, white, and blue winner combined with ailing teddy bear, meager display of presents, and a tree which seems to be decorated with circus seals…leaves me feeling colder than a blizzard.
Another lovely selection from the terrifically non-festive, red-white-and-blue Christmas sweater camp, this one’s sleeves are specially ornamented with a matryoshka Santa doll on one arm and Santa-in-a-barrel on the other.
I know it’s not a sweater, but how can I resist the icing on the Christmas cake, the star on the tree, the crown of Christmas accessories: The Santa fanny pack! Make any of your Christmas sweaters truly complete with a beloved fanny pack bearing a simple plea to the Grinches of the word…believe. (I can only wonder upon sporting this booty pouch, how many snarky “must I?”s would be muttered upon passing?)