Hopefully, if you’re in a relationship, it’s a healthy and loving one. But if your love life seems to be taking a toll on your mental health, you may want to start digging for the exact cause and start treating the issue.
Psychology Today recently looked into a specific kind of unhealthy relationship, which they termed “makes-me-crazy” love. In this scenario, you’ve ended up in a relationship with someone who causes you to doubt or second guess yourself, even about things you were sure of before. For instance, perhaps you have a sincere and thought out response to something your partner has said or done. But once you approach them with the issue, you begin to doubt what had been firmly in mind. This can lead to you feeling like you can’t even discern your own feelings anymore, and typically means that your partner is projecting their own insecurities onto you. No bueno.
Here are the five signs, according to Psychology Today, that tell if you are in a “makes-me-crazy” love situation:
1. Chronically second guessing yourself and doubting when you are upset with your partner. (Maybe he wasn’t flirting that bad with the girl at the bar. I guess I’m overreacting.)
2. Making excuses to friends and family members about your partner’s poor behavior. (She just had a bad day. She doesn’t usually act like that.)
3. Taking yourself away from your own feelings. (If I don’t bring up __, then I won’t upset him and things will be better.)
4. Anger that never seems to quite get quenched or resolved when you communicate with your partner.
5. Continually trying to ‘fix’ things in the relationship.
And here are their steps to help you cure this “emotional vertigo”:
1. Stop hyper-focusing on your partner and re-direct your thoughts to yourself.
2. Allow a bit of time each day to sit alone and consider all that you push away to suit your makes-me-crazy partner.
3. Develop awareness for the emotions and thoughts that seem to reoccur in your internal narrative.
4. As you become more consistently conscious of your impressions, communicate what you feel to others without reservation or equivocation.
If you find yourself in a makes-me-crazy love relationship, it’s important to also reflect on your history with love. Like all things, it will likely lead back to your basic psychology. If you had a bad relationship with your parents, or had a long-term partner who undervalued you, it can become common to continue to trigger old love patterns. The problem here, of course, is that the pull to find an emotionally unavailable partner with the hope he will change his ways for her is not at all healthy. While not totally out of the question, few people are able to change someone else into the person they want them to be. And even if you can, is that really how you want to find your match? It’s important to acknowledge that you may be the type of person who feels unworthy of love that you haven’t “earned,” and that you don’t feel comfortable unless you’ve chosen an emotionally unavailable partner whom you can try and convince to love you and see your worth. Once you can see that that’s what you’re doing, it will be easier to work on stopping the pattern.
As Psychology Today points out, “negative core beliefs about the self are not always within a person’s conscious awareness. And, particularly when in a “he-makes-me-crazy” love relationship you may be so consumed by what you think he is thinking of you that you have lost your emotional balance.” So, it’s back to the most basic of love advice — changing your relationship with yourself and learning to love yourself fully before you jump into your next relationship is key to making sure you find a healthy one to be in. How can you do this? “Push yourself out of your comfort zone; get to know new types of people—even if at first they do not elicit the intense chemistry and intrigue to which you have become accustomed. Connecting honestly with others in non-romantic contexts is a counterintuitive way to learn how to pick romantic partners that are capable of knowing and caring about you. The more accustomed you are to people treating you in a healthy manner, the more alien those who do not treat you this way will seem.”
Have you ever found yourself in this kind of unbalanced relationship? How did you come to terms with and deal with it? Tell us in the comments below. We can’t wait to hear your sage advice!
Source: Psychology Today