“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” -Deepak Chopra
My 15-year-old daughter told me that a friend was planning to try to get his first kiss when the fireworks went off on the fourth of July. Talk about a romantic beginning. But after that romantic beginning, how do you keep intimacy vibrant long after the fireworks fade away? I offer these five foolproof tips to spark reliable and continuously improving pleasure in your relationship.
1. Let your nose lead you to desire. The most famous lovers of all time have always known that our most powerful access to sexual desire is through their sense of smell. Scent is experienced by the olfactory and registered in the limbic part of the brain–where memory, emotion and sexuality are waiting to be stirred. Move towards a kiss by paying attention to smell and enhance the experience by using scented products that turn you on. Arousal is a switch in your brain, not your genitals — and smell is the control dial!
2. Fantasy is your friend. It can be sexy to explore private fantasies, enjoy erotic images, make an intimate video together or explore various roles and characters in the bedroom. Healthy sexuality lets us briefly abandon our normal reasoning self for so the body’s cravings can lead the mind. Having the freedom to be your sexual self and delve into the crazy fantasies that live far outside the margins of your daily life takes a visceral sense of safety with yourself and your relationship. The bigger the leap, the greater the risk; but if you take no leap, then don’t expect to see those fireworks last. Passionate fantastical sex is inseparable from the risk and mystery that creates it. This is why the illicit affair is always so steamy. The sex might not even be that good, but add a dose of the forbidden and suddenly it is full of flame. Achieving orgasm has so much to do with your ability to let go and experience the odd and fascinating part of being a sexual human.
3. Make love with your eyes wide open. Practice eye gazing, even if it’s just five seconds. Look up and see the person speaking to you across the counter. Look up and hold your partner’s gaze when he or she shares concerns about the car or the kids. The practice of training your eyes on the ones you love, extending from five seconds to thirty will teach you the truth of finding eternity in a minute. It will also prepare you for the simplest yet most extraordinary shift you can make to your physical love-making. The vast majority of couples make love in the dark with their eyes shut. Cracking your eyes open to witness the person above or below you enables you to share the most entwined poses available to us. This loving gaze will surprise, bewilder and connect you like nothing else. But, this intimate task is harder than it sounds. Bearing full witness to the person you love during the act of love making requires stepping outside of your own experience so you can be consumed by the power and depth of your erotic self. Our sexual fulfillment has many expressions: sexual release appears sometimes painful, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes effortful, and, sometimes, the essence of deep appreciation. Connection is not about how we look. Having courage to both witness and be seen in the many faces that love generates will keep sparks flying.
4. Breathe together. The communication you share in your relationship is the very breath of your love and also the currency of energy that sustains or depletes the life force between you. Practice aligning your breathing by listening more to the pauses between the words, to the tone of voice exchanged and to what is your lover is attempting to communicate instead of just focusing on the words alone. Taking this practice into the bedroom is like adding jet fuel to the heat that penetration generates. Aligned breathing regulates the container of your passion so that both partners share the continuous awareness of each other’s deepest states. This kind of sexual listening opens the simple yet profound transformative force of awakened love to your intimate life. Again, this practice is more challenging than it sounds on the surface. Adding breath consciousness elevates penetrative rhythms into a rain dance and conversation into connection.
5. Penetration and lubrication. I never pull out the lubricant until I can’t stand it anymore, until I can’t wait another minute. Accepting anyone into you as deeply as intercourse provides for is a sacred and life-changing moment. Lubrication eases the entry and creates a dynamic smooth gliding of tissue against tissue. Healthy lubricant ingredients not only soothe and heal during their use, but also build the elasticity and integrity of the tissue over time. There is nothing more explosive and deeply satisfying than sharing the fireworks of deep intimacy and connection of our most private selves.