6 Myths About Grieving

By Candace Rotolo, AgingCare.com

Eleven years ago, Beth Marshall got the call no one ever wants to receive. The one telling her that her mother had died.

“It was the most shocking day of my life,” Marshall recalls. A devout Christian, she turned to her faith to get through the heartache. “I thought it wouldn’t be so difficult because I had such a strong faith. I thought I could pray it away.”

That was just one of the many myths Marshall realized during her journey of grief.

During more than 20 years as a bereavement counselor, Louise Kenny, LCSW has recognized six common myths about grieving.

Words of Comfort: What to Say When Someone is Dying

Myth 1: Grief has a timeline

Kenny, who counsels dying patients and their families at Avow Hospice in Naples, Florida, believes this is one of the most common misconceptions. She often hears clients say (or be told by others), ‘It’s been six months or 12 months – you should be over this.’ The truth is, there is no time line. “The grief process is a personal experience and influenced by so many factors,” adds Kenny. “There’s no set timeline to be done with it.”

“People think you should snap out of it,” says Marshall of the grieving process. She admits that more than a decade after her loss, she still cries when she hears a song on the radio that reminds her of her mother. “It doesn’t mean you haven’t gotten better. It means you’ve gotten through the season, and it’s part of the process. You can’t check grief off like a scorecard.”

6 Myths About Grieving originally appeared on AgingCare.com.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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Beverly G.

8:22PM PDT on Mar 26, 2012

when my dad 5 yrs ago i still aint over it. never will be cos hes just not here anymore. I will never get over it. I never had counselling and i think i needed it i wasnt offered it here in the uk.

send a green star

Sarah M.

3:00PM PDT on Mar 13, 2012

I wish more people would understand this--especially the timeline part--it makes me sick how insensitive people are. Losing a parent is something you should eventually expect, but I haven't yet....I lost the love of my life this year and he was only 27 years old, nearly everyone abandoned me, and it is still extraordinarily painful--I can't yet even handle looking at pictures of us. Everything changes and it can never be the same again, and it's even more difficult when loved ones abandon you because they can't handle your grief.

Deborah G.

4:42PM PST on Mar 7, 2012

Tremendous loss always changes us and changes us forever. After losing my daughter to an accident almost 20years ago, I am still grieving. I am not paralyzed by grief but I confront it every day. It does not keep me from experiencing joy, but my experience is tempered by what I have lost. I will never be the same. Some people say I am stronger for having survived but I don't see it that way. I am different and am able to help some people with their losses, but there is no comparison to the person I was before and the person I am now. There is almost no relation between them that I can see with the exception being that I carry that other woman's memories around with me.

Giovanna M.

3:04PM PST on Mar 4, 2012

tks

Monica K.

11:06AM PST on Feb 29, 2012

I hate funerals, they are so contrived and depressing! I have lost both parents, my beloved in-laws, two sisters, and two brothers who were lost in a plane crash in Alaska and never found. I have had more than my share of grief and it never ends, you're never free of it, but you can eventually move beyond the horrible sense of loss and regret. I have put away the memories of their deaths in a place in my mind that I seldom visit and instead carry the memories of their lives, their goodness and their laughter, the fun and the love, in my heart, where it's accessible to me every day. Sharing is a huge part of this process. In my family, we have a version of the Irish wake when we lose a loved one. Everyone gathers, shares food and stories, tears and laughter. It's not formal, hushed and solemn - instead it's often loud, humorous and irreverent, a sharing of our love and memories. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have to grieve alone and silently.

Wendye K.

1:12PM PST on Feb 27, 2012

I've lost my mother (I was 7), a brother (I was 13), father (I was 19), son (I was 26), a sister (I was 41) and a VERY beloved puss 5 years ago (I'm 52). The one thing that consoles me is that I believe in Heaven and know that God is now taking very good care of them. God bless ALL people and ALL animals! xo xo

Sarkku V.

10:52AM PST on Feb 27, 2012

Important issue. Thank you.

Gita S.

1:13AM PST on Feb 26, 2012

Thanks for sharing.

Ra S.

9:27PM PST on Feb 25, 2012

The most important thing to remember is that people grieve differently. It's important to accept your own path, and you shouldn't tell someone else that they are grieving "wrong", just because it is different from the way you would or you think you would in their situation.

Norma V.

4:25PM PST on Feb 25, 2012

Thank goodness these are considered myths...