7 Things Cats Don't Let You Do

They may only weigh 10 pounds, but cats will totally change the way you do things. From the moment my cat Pimpentered my life almost 14 years ago (my other cat Moo simply showed up on the back porch four years ago), nothing has been the same.

I wouldn’t trade having cats for anything in the world, but because I have them, there are some things that I’ll never be able to do again.

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1. Wake up after 7 a.m. (and that’s sleeping in!)

People tell me stories about lazing around in bed until noon, hitting the snooze repeatedly throughout the morning, or just lying around in bed and relaxing before popping up for the day. I marvel at this idea. Imagine that!

My day starts with Moo’s cold, sometimes wet nose in my face, gently prodding my forehead. Then it’s a paw at my nose. Then it’s a furry body prancing across my pillow and back and forth over my body … on his way back to nudge my face with his nose again.

Rolling over only makes the matter more urgent. Now it’s Moo firmly meatloafed on my chest, his face one inch from mine, burrowing in my neck and rubbing my chin. Eventually, it’s a mad meower, standing next to me on the floor by the bed, more persistent and unsnoozable than any alarm clock. Ignore that and he starts knocking every object off the nightstand, one by one.

The cat has not eaten for at least six hours, and is clearly starving. I’m up, I’m up! And then he eats five bites and walks away from his bowl.

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2. Shower without being stared at

It’s like it’s a constant peep show at my house. Pimp’s favorite spot to sit is on the bathroom counter, and his favorite time to sit there is shower time. Maybe it’s because it’s like a steam room or sauna in there and he’s clearing his little pores. Whatever the reason, turn on the bathtub faucet and he comes running to perch on the sink.

Usually he just lies down and takes a break from his busy day (busy day of taking other breaks, I guess), but sometimes he walks over to where the glass shower doors meet the counter and just sits tall, staring in. At which point, I say hello and wipe off the fog and condensation on the doors so he can see me better.

I think maybe he’s worried about me in all that water.

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3. Throw out boxes

I may or may not have an online shopping problem. Boxes arrive all the time from every which website –- Amazon, shoe clubs, pet companies, you name it. Most people keep what’s inside the boxes and throw out the packaging. I empty the box and place it smack-dab in the middle of my living room floor and announce, “Moo, I got you a box!”

Every box must be inspected immediately. You can count on that. And if it’s a favorite, the box stays there for weeks (sometimes more), until a new favorite comes along. I try to keep it to one box, but sometimes you just can’t help it if he falls in love with several.

Boxes are practically part of the décor in my house.

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4. Have “a moment” with my boyfriend alone

Moo can’t see affection happening without wanting to be part of it and getting his fair share. He’s an attention whore, and doesn’t like anyone hogging up what should rightfully be his.

So every time my boyfriend even so much as pulls me in for a hug, Moo comes right on over and starts rubbing up against our legs and doing figure eights. If we’re lying on the couch and the BF leans in for a kiss, there’s Moo walking across us, tail furring up our faces and demanding we direct our attention to him.

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5. Burn candles

I can no longer light candles in my house. Even the ones that are in jars and covered, there’s no way, for two reasons: First, the obvious –- I don’t want any accidents happening and tails or fur catching on fire.

Second, because I have a habit of forgetting to blow candles out, and then I have to turn around halfway to wherever I was going to go back home and deal with them. Even if it is a jar candle that would never light up the house, I don’t want any chance of accident with the cats there.

But I love candles, especially the smell of them, and those plug-in air fresheners just aren’t the same. Luckily, I’ve discovered wax tarts. These are amazing! You melt them in little tart warmers, which are heated with tiny tea lights. I put them high up enough where no cat can get to them, and I never have to worry about forgetting to blow them out, because when the tea light is done in a couple hours, it just goes out on its own. Best. Invention. Ever.

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6. Lie on the couch with a blanket without a cat on me

This scenario plays out every time: I lie on the couch to watch TV or read a book and pull a throw blanket over me to keep warm and cozy.

Cue the cat!

Pimp somehow hears it (do blankets make noise?!) and runs right over (no exaggeration, he hauls kitty butt) to get on top of me. He then proceeds to circle until he find the perfect spot (always the same spot; I don’t know why he makes a show out of it) and settles down.

And it’s not just me, either. Anyone who lies on the couch with a blanket gets the same treatment.

And it’s not one particular blanket. Anyone with any blanket on the couch gets a Pimp topper.

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7. Keep things on my nightstand

I used to plug in my cellphone and leave it on my nightstand by the bed. I also used to keep a ChapStick there, and the TV remote and a few other random things.

One day Moo learned that nothing made me sit straight up awake faster than the sound of my $600 iPhone crashing to the floor. And now it’s like a game. I don’t think he does it just to wake me up anymore; I think he actually enjoys watching me react.

One by one, he’ll knock something down and just look over at me until I acknowledge it. He’ll lightly tap his paw at the TV remote until it falls, and then he’ll glance my way to make sure I saw it. Yup, I did. Okay, next thing! And off goes each item on the nightstand until everything is on the ground. Then he walks away nonchalantly. His work there is done.

So now I keep only nonbreakable items that make minimal noise when they fall. This way he still gets to play his game (I can’t believe I entertain this, but whatever) and I get to sleep through the night without worrying if my phone will turn on or not the next morning.

Did I miss anything? Do you have things you can no longer do because you have cats? Share them in the comments!

Photo: Grumpy orange cat by Shutterstock.com

Read more: Cats, Humor & Inspiration, Pets

This post was written by Dorian Wagner, regular contributor to Catster Magazine.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Ramesh B.

1:40AM PDT on May 18, 2013

:-)

May 18
send a green star

Robin B.

12:10PM PDT on May 12, 2013

We can no longer keep toilet paper rolls on the dispenser. As a long time cat family, our two older kitties had never given us any problems with the TP. We always have at least 10-12 toy mice, jingle balls, loofah bits with feathers, and catnip stuffed scraps of furry fabric strewn throughout our apartment to keep our boys entertained. Yes, there are also boxes. A whole corner of the room devoted to boxes. However, since we took in our newest family member, 14 week old snowshoe Sabrina, all the toys we can buy simply aren't enough. I guess I could dress it up by saying she enjoys the simpler side of life or that she's not materialistic, but the truth is, she only wants to play with common household items, including toilet tissue. She's even turned our good kitties bad, tempting them with the kittenish joy of running through the apartment trailing a 5" wide streamer of freshly unrolled cottony softness. Maybe it's the fascination of turning a neat, compact roll into a huge fluffy pile, or maybe it's the ease with which she can totally demolish it, but whatever the allure, she absolutely adores her toilet tissue. Sabrina's idea of a good time also involves thievery. My husband can't uncap his soda bottle without attracting her attention, and if he lays it aside, sweet little Sabrina will run up his leg like she's scurrying up a tree trunk, launch herself from his hip to the counter, swat the lid to the floor, then pounce on it until it's dead. When she's over that particular ga

May 12
send a green star

Gabriella B.

6:53PM PDT on May 10, 2013

funny, thank you.

May 10
send a green star

Camilla V.

10:34AM PDT on May 7, 2013

well none of those stuff matters, cats are all that matters

May 7
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Ela V.

11:45PM PDT on May 6, 2013

i thought you were describing my cat...;)

May 6
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Paul G.

9:42PM PDT on Apr 30, 2013

:)

Certain dogs also hog the place!

But we love them (cats and dogs) anyway!

April 30
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Deirdre G.

7:00PM PDT on Apr 28, 2013

my cat likes to wake me up by knocking my belongings to the floor. he used to jump up onto my laptop before and stare at me until I brought him downstairs and left him out to go birdwatching, but sine I removed the laptop from the bedroom he now climbs onto a paper bag containing a recent purchase, and makes noise with the bag until I wake

April 28
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Helen K.

4:30AM PDT on Apr 28, 2013

Oh, and one way to get a cat to let you sleep in is to give her her own "bedroom". Ours didn't just want us in the morning, they wanted to play at night. So they got a room that was their own special room for night time and if we forgot to put kitty to bed, she'd fuss to be "tucked in" (consisted of luring her into the room with a toy, petting her and telling her good night before closing her in.

4:24AM PDT on Apr 28, 2013

The little things mean so much to them. I'm the same way, very indulgent. They reward us well with their displays of love.

Veerle D.

2:38AM PDT on Apr 28, 2013

You can see who's the boss in your house(s), I would say...
My present cat doesn't do any of the things mentioned and I don't think there is anything I can't do anymore, that I really wanted to do in the first place... but then I've had a cat most of my life.