http://www.care2.com/greenliving/a-family-of-lies-how-parents-perpetuate-subtle-dishonesty.html
A Family of Lies: How Parents Perpetuate Subtle Dishonesty
As children, in an effort to impart the nobility of truth and the depravity of lies, we were constantly reminded of the admonitory tale of George Washington and the cherry tree. For those of you that were either perpetually tuned out, or were just so dutiful that you were never reprimanded with this enduring myth of our forefather, I will supply the Reader’s Digest version here. Allegedly, the young George Washington (the premiere president of the United States) chopped down his fathers cherry tree with a small hatchet. When asked about it, he said “I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little hatchet.” Supposedly young Mr. Washington was so virtuous (but obviously not virtuous enough to spare the cherry tree) that he opted to endure the possible punishment, rather than to fib. We as children were reminded of this story to drive home some virtue and integrity to our developing moral center, in the hopes that we too could grow up to be like our first president. The only problem was that the whole story, according to most historians, was itself a lie perpetuated by lovers of myth, lore and desperate teachers and parents everywhere.
This is one of many parables handed down from generation to generation, and the obvious irony of this particular one is that the intended moral is clearly to abstain from lying, at all costs. The fact is that children do lie, a lot–and according to a new study from the University of Toronto and University of California, San Diego, parents regularly lie to their children as a way of influencing behavior and emotions. “Children sometimes behave in ways that are disruptive or are likely to harm their long-term interests,” said Gail Heyman, professor of psychology at UC San Diego and co-author of the study. “It is common for parents to try out a range of strategies, including lying, to gain compliance. When parents are juggling the demands of getting through the day, concerns about possible long-term negative consequences to children’s beliefs about honesty are not necessarily at the forefront.” This practice is incongruously referred to as “parenting by lying” and it is apparently very common among parents struggling to get their children (or teenagers) to cooperate or simply comply with simple directives. This could be something as simple as claiming that the store was fresh out of cookies, to something as shameful and undermining as telling your teenager that if he doesn’t take a shower this instant, he will break out in a full-body plague of pimples and pustules.
So the obvious question is, how does this impact our children on both the short term and into maturity? I could only guess that the variable gradations of parental untruths (which are almost always uncovered by shrewd children) do set a hell of an example for children and help shape their worldview. Should we, as parents, suck it up and dish out some uncomfortable or inconvenient truths, even if it means slowing down the day or setting off a tantrum? Do you make distinctions between lies that are okay and those that aren’t? What are some of the lies you catch your children telling you, and how different are they from the lies you have told?
Eric Steinman is a freelance writer based in Rhinebeck, N.Y. He regularly writes about food, music, art, architecture and culture and is a regular contributor to Bon Appétit among other publications.
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16 comments
add your comment »Meredith,
I humbly thank you for your compliment. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that today ;) !
to Carol...I must disagree on one point...children are well aware when they are 'fibbing'. It's just that, when they are young, sometimes they can't actually put a 'name' to it, in other words; their vocabulary hasn't caught up with their actions unless they have been taught such. In a situation with a child, sometimes it is best to give them a 'way out' of their lie before them get themselves in deeper. In this way, they can find that there is safety in telling the truth. Example: say little Johnny ate a handful of cookies when he was specifically told not to just before dinner. You know little Johnny ate the cookies because 1/2 of them are gone and the crumbs are all over little Johnny's face! A good way to approach it, after Johnny has blatantly told you he DIDN'T eat the cookies, is this; "Hmmm, Johnny, I wonder where all the crumbs came from that are on your mouth and who else could have eaten all these cookies (showing him the 1/2 empty package)?" This allows Johnny the option of coming clean and telling the truth without making him feel defensive or that he is a 'bad boy'. This is far better than a response of : "Johnny, I know darn well you ate those cookies because the crumbs are all over your mouth, now...stop lying to me!"
Big difference.
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For the most part parents just don't realize that they are telling lies in front of their children. If someone comes to the door that someone in the in the house doesn't want to see they will tell the person who at the door the person you want to see is not home knowing they are home but the child doesn't know the complete story why the person fibbed they look at things black and white not gray.
I told a fib when I was really young and from that mistake I never told another one even it would hurt me meaning I could get a spanking or punched.
When I was a child my "boyfriend" found a pack of cigarettes called Pal Mall and we decided we were going to smoke all of them in an half an hour so we hid in a building with no roof but my "darling" twin found us and ran home and told my mom, well I came in the house with I am sure with smoke coming out of ears and she told me to sit in the middle of my bed with my legs crossed and asked me if I were smoking and I said "NO" and she said are you sure and I said "Yes" she made me sit there until I could no longer and ran to the bathroom and I don't have to tell you what I did. She never lifted a hand to me that day but I learned the very hard way never to fib or lie again.
I think if more adults that there are today would learn the hard way the way I learned there would be a whole lot less of lies or fibs going around.
The reason why I say fib and lie is because babies fib adults lie because they know better and children do not.
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Luk, you must be proud of your daughter, congratulations on a job well done!
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Sorry...I went over my character limit (Cont'd)
Now, my daughter is truly deciding whether or not being this person's friend is actually worth it. My inclinations is leaning towards 'No'.
What has been very interesting to note in my own children is this; while through the 'nature' of growing up, children will do all sorts of things; experiment with drugs and alcohol, succumb to peer pressure, go through stages of trying on different persona's; if a parent is consistent in thier values, beliefs and moral standards (as difficult as it can be) these will usuall overcome in the end. Patience, guidance, and open communication...whether the child wants it or not, is essential for their growth to become positive, productive citizens in society.
As Meredith states...while it may be very, very difficult, emotionally "taxing" and, at times, physically exhausting, to stay on top of our children's actions and words, it is necessary for them to achieve integrity within their character. I have witnessed, in my own children, that, when I have made lying have it's consequences, they have decided, verbatum..."It's just not worth it!"
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Meredith H,
It's ironic that you bring that point up right now. I think that sometimes, people are so surprised at some lies that are told that they simply aren't quite sure how to approach the situation.
My daughter (22 years-old) was recently confronted with one such situation. She had lent a CD to a friend a while back. When she recently saw this 'friend', she asked if she had the CD because she would like it back. The friend said she lost it. When they got in this friend's car to go somewhere, what came over the airwaves...the very music that was on the CD. This was no ordinary music as it was a special CD that had been put together for my daughter by someone else and it was important to her. She said, "Hey, isn't that my CD?" The person said, "No". My daughter said, "Yes it is, play the next song." As she bent over to play the next song, the person said, "You don't want to do that." My daughter said, "Don't lie to me, that's my CD!" The person said, "I just didn't know what to say...it got stuck in there and I haven't been able to get it out." My daughter pushed the button and it came out! The person swore that it had been stuck...and so the story goes.
My daughter handled it very tactfully but very up front and honestly. She told this 'friend' that she didn't need to lie. If she wanted the CD all she had to do was ask for a copy and she would have been glad to do that for her. Now, my daughter is truly deciding whether or not being this pers
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I have made some unpleasant relationships with family because I can only tolerate so much lying from children (and adults) and I will call them on it by saying that's not true. At which point they get frustrated and decide I am a bad person and don't want to be around me much. To which I say, so be it. Tell your lies elsewhere, it's too taxing. From what I see many parents encourage lying by not observing their children and then not calling them on their lies. Perhaps it's too much work?
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Always happy to clarify, Anne, as the intent is not always received via the internet ;)
Jalena,
If this is of any help; I have a flip side to show how consistant or, even, moderate consistancy, at best, of dishonesty can affect the way children view 'the truth' and 'half truths'.
Someone very close to me grew up in a household where (they didn't actually see it as lying)deceit was not only the norm but, the parents actually engaged the children in their dishonest behavior and, at times, encouraged the children to do the same with 'justification'. Yet, when come face to face with the question, "why did you lie to to your children; allow them to be engaged IN your lies and then; expect them NOT to lie, did you expect something different?" There were all kinds of excuses as to why those lies were 'okay'. In turn, all of the children, now grown, have had very difficult adult relationships because they view lying as almost 'normal' and half-truths as NOT lying at all!
I have made up a saying for my own home that we have lived by since my children were young. It is quite simple and goes like this: "Truths are the Roots to Trust" Trust is tantamount to any relationship and this is no secret (no pun intended).
Hopefully you can see how, at least in this case, the boundaries were clearly crossed and completely misguided the children, thereby, giving them a warped sense of what honesty truly means.
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I must say I really appreciate this article but I also greatly appreciate all the comments! As a mother of an 18 mnth old I can use all the advice I can get. I too have not been known as a liar and strive to be truthful in my everyday life. My mother was also brutally honest, to the point of just being down right mean at times. I for one, have mastered the art of being tactful yet truthful because if that reason.
As for my daughter, I tried to think of how we should handle situations where a fib was involved but guess I won't know until it happens. Thanks again everyone!
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Thanks for the clarification and your generosity Lukntwohvn.
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Come on now, everybody 'knows' George Washington grew up in west Texas, and that it was his father's favorite pecan tree. When young George uttered, "Father, I cannot tell a lie, I chopped down your favorite pecan tree", George's father turned to his wife:
"Woman, pack all our stuff; we're MOVING! If he can't lie any better than that, he has NO place in TEXAS politics."
SAD-BUT-TRUE, it still works that way.
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