START A PETITION 27,000,000 members: the world's largest community for good

A Friend With Benefits: Why It’s Important To Be Your Own BFF

  • 1 of 2
A Friend With Benefits: Why It’s Important To Be Your Own BFF

By Anne-Marie Botek, Editor

When you look in the mirror, do you see the face of a friend or an enemy?

The answer to this question can say a lot about your capacity for self-compassion—your ability to treat your with kindness and caring.

Penny Donnenfield, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who specializes in counseling caregivers and their families, says self-compassion is about being able to view oneself in the same way you would view a close friend—as a person deserving of love, support, and empathy.

Many of us have an inner task-master that inhibits our ability to view ourselves through an empathetic lens. “We’re all very familiar with criticizing and comparing ourselves to others—often in an unflattering light,” Donnenfeld says, “Self-compassion is about being able to nurture yourself.”

Research has linked an ability to nurture and love oneself with a bevy of psychological benefits, including: greater happiness, optimism, agreeableness, and conscientiousness, as well as lower levels of anxiety, depression, and perfectionism.

Self-hatred fueled by failure

Chronically self-critical people are constantly fighting against feelings of inadequacy, says Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of “Making Change,” a Psychology Today blog,  “People push themselves too much because they feel they need to work harder than everyone else just to be ‘okay,’” she says.

It makes sense that some people would feel this way. In today’s world of constant competition and instantaneous communication it can be hard to get away from outside criticism. This makes it all the more important for us to be able to cultivate feelings of self-acceptance and contentment within our own minds.

The first step towards increasing your capacity for self-compassion is recognizing that you’re a human being—and like all members of our race, you have limits.

You can choose whether to view these limits as personal short-comings deserving of punishment, or as natural frontiers that should be honored.

Becker-Phelps feels that self-awareness is an essential component of self-compassion. The compassionately self-aware person can acknowledge and attend to their needs for rest, relaxation, and health before they become burnt out.

If you find yourself beating your head against that proverbial brick wall, try taking a step back. Grab an ice-pack for your head. Once the swelling goes down and the throbbing stops, you might just be able to find the sledgehammer that can help you turn that bothersome barricade into a pile of dust.

How to Find the Positive In Negative Emotions
Positive People May Have Reduced Stroke Risk
Gratitude Gives You Wings: 6 Tricks For Rising Above Negativity

  • 1 of 2

Read more: General Health, Health, Healthy Aging, Life, Love, Mental Wellness, , , ,

have you shared this story yet?

go ahead, give it a little love connects family caregivers and provides support, resources, expert advice and senior housing options for people caring for their elderly parents. is a trusted resource that visitors rely on every day to find inspiration, make informed decisions, and ease the stress of caregiving.


+ add your own
10:40PM PDT on Sep 13, 2012

I thought this article was going to be about something else...

7:32PM PDT on Sep 12, 2012


1:27PM PDT on Sep 11, 2012

Thank you.

1:21PM PDT on Sep 11, 2012

Thanks for this one.

7:47PM PDT on Sep 6, 2012

It's a period of reflection on who you are and what is acceptable and not acceptable in your life and then standing your ground on your OWN barometer!

7:25AM PDT on Sep 6, 2012


6:22AM PDT on Sep 6, 2012

I am my own best friend,,,I'v been with myself all my life and I haven't fallen out, so I love me ,,,

5:46AM PDT on Sep 6, 2012

“People push themselves too much because they feel they need to work harder than everyone else just to be ‘okay,'" It is very dang scary how that sentence described half of my life

4:34AM PDT on Sep 6, 2012

Thank you

4:11AM PDT on Sep 6, 2012

Self love is hard to come by especially when you have had a very strict and critical upbringing. But as we age we accept ourselves more (hopefully) and begin to love ourselves for what we are, trying of course, to do as best we can and be good persons. I can honestly say that today I have befriended my mirror image and am happy with who I am. I feel more content and happy than I ever did.

add your comment

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

people are talking

One more thing I feel compelled to say-->if people can't SEE some of the possible dangers in thes…

I'll definitely give them a try!

When I moved into this house it had storm windows. Made a big difference on the cold and draft. Bu…

I was reading an old herbal book from about 100 years ago and they mentioned Oil of Ben to use when …

Thanks for reposting this helpful information.


Select names from your address book   |   Help

We hate spam. We do not sell or share the email addresses you provide.

site feedback


Problem on this page? Briefly let us know what isn't working for you and we'll try to make it right!