Addicted to Sex?

Addictions come in many shapes and sizes. Some are more obvious, such as drug or alcohol addiction; others we may not commonly consider to be addictions, such as the addiction to being right, or to receiving approval. Yet all addictions have this in common: they are an attempt to escape our inner discontent through external stimulus or distraction. Sex is a very common addiction. Like all addictions, it is not the act in itself but the way we use it that matters: sex can be used as an escape, or if we choose, as a celebration of life, an expression of joy on the path of self discovery.

Sex becomes an addiction when we cannot bear to be with ourselves. If we are constantly looking for someone to feel attracted to or fall in love with, someone to save us from ourselves, then sex has become an addiction. Instead of connecting internally with what we are feeling, we prefer to lose ourselves in fantasies that seldom reflect reality.

Addiction creates dependence, which in turn creates fear and anxiety. The only way out of this is to see through the addiction, to revert the energy that propels us towards the object of our desire by turning it inwards, and seeking to be with ourselves with the same intensity we sought to be with another. By strengthening the bond with ourselves, we create strong and solid roots: a base from which we can share our life with a partner, without getting lost in the drama and suffering generated by the frustrated search for external satisfaction.

Thirty years ago we were breaking barriers; the taboos around sex were being challenged and reinvented, but it’s not about that anymore. Now it is time for us to take responsibility for our own happiness, and instead of seeking to take satisfaction from our world, to focus on what we can give. If we have a sexual addiction, we are taking from others; using them for entertainment, like a toy. It’s time to grow up.

Making love is about sharing: it’s about giving and receiving, about intimacy and vulnerability. Do not deny desire: repression will only increase the pressure and there will come a time when we can ignore it no longer. Focus instead on cultivating the inner fulfillment that will truly complete us; that is ultimately far more satisfying than the fleeting relief of physical pleasure. Then your sexuality will become a joyful sharing of that internal experience: it will be innocent and transparent, rather than full of need and desperation.

The first step to disarm this addiction is awareness. If you are looking for it, sex will tempt you everywhere: on billboards, in the street, online. To move beyond this, we must first become aware the we are not our thoughts. The mind will always find something to hook onto externally; a challenge, a conquest, a flirtation. So letís learn to rise above the mind.

Observe the mind: when a thought arises, it generates a physiological response that triggers the need for satisfaction, as our hormones spring into action. Desire ripples on your skin, the mind bombards you with images. But the satisfaction will be fleeting: it will soon be gone.

To no longer be a prisoner of sexual desire, to discover the power and joy of finding fulfillment within ourselves is a wonderful thing. It requires commitment, but it is definitely worth it. And there is nothing to lose: this is not so much about modifying our behavior as it is about modifying our focus; about saying yes to ourselves, making ourselves more important than the outside and discovering the source of inner satisfaction, the love, joy and appreciation that comes from embracing our present reality instead of chasing a future fantasy.

For what we think will bring us fulfillment is in reality what keeps us from seeing the truth: that fulfillment has been here and now, all along.

Isha Judd will be touring the US and Canada in May for the launch of her new book, Love Has Wings. Learn more at


donald Baumgartner

Raven B: Good for you!!! save yourself for your wedding nite!!!
That said, Sex?? What's that?? lol!!

Fiona T.
Fi T3 years ago

Be true to oneself

Roger M.
Past Member 3 years ago

I can think of worse things to be addicted to.

Frank Hanline
Frank Hanline4 years ago

@ Jane: People who've never had good sex think it's the most disgusting thing in the world. Those of us who know arousal, foreplay, a little experimentation and the after glow realize just how good it is for the body and inner peace

Atocha B.
Mary F4 years ago

Interesting article, thanks for posting.

Danuta Watola
Danuta Watola4 years ago

Thanks for the information!

Crystal Jade
Past Member 4 years ago

there is a natural urge to do that sort of thing, probably hard-wired essentially from birth

Kevin Cline
Past Member 4 years ago

...I guess if you're talking about the "Larry Craig", "toe tapping", "taking a wide stance", "men's restroom cruising" kind of love, now that would be kind of disgusting for his wife, I would think.

Jane Barton
Jane Barton4 years ago

"How can one be addicted to the most disgusting thing in the world?!"

Teresa, I'm dying to know, what is so disgusting about it? And you can't become addicted to it, some people are just hornier than others.

Jane Barton
Jane Barton4 years ago

"There are also (less frequently) women who are far hornier than their husbands. Long term sexual compatibility is an elusive thing."

Very true. Rose's man seems to be very horny and a tad unempathetic. I think if he were a little smoother he could get what he wants without making her feel victimized. On the other hand did Rose know how this guy was before she married him? I don't really think twice a day is out of line. I hope she didn't have visions of changing him. Men don't change, they just get worse over time. Somebody should have told her that. In Sweden they make couples live together for a year to see if they get along before marrying. European countries seem to be more advanced and less sexually repressed than America. I meet so many uptight, narrowed minded people, it makes me wonder if everybody in America is Catholic. Sex is natural and important so people should find a good match if they plan on being together for any length of time.