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Affair Revenge Websites: Are They The Perfect Punishment?

Affair Revenge Websites: Are They The Perfect Punishment?

By Lesli Doares for YourTango.com.

Jezebel recently extended the fifteen minutes of fame the founder of the websites She’s a Homewrecker and He’s a Homewrecker has been experiencing. The purpose of these websites is to expose men and women who cheat with those already married. If you think these sites are out of line you may indeed believe in the adage that “All is fair in love and war”.

More from YourTango: Cheaters & The Women They Date: 4 Things You Should Know

If you can’t hold onto to your spouse, the problem lies solely with you and your relationship — and your spouse is fair game for anyone who can claim him or her. This is only true if you believe that “fair” is the same as selfish. Now, this is not to let the married partner off the hook. After all, they are the ones who committed their lives to and with another person and then broke that vow. They are the ones who knew they were breaking their promises. However, if you know they are married and initiate or continue the relationship, then you bear some responsibility for the consequences.

When you are the “other” in a relationship with a married person, you are living in a fantasy of your own creation. You believe whatever your lover tells you — how their marriage is over, how their spouse doesn’t understand them, how long it has been since they have had great sex, and how wonderful their life is now that you are in it. But what objective criteria do you really have that any of it is true? And that’s the problem.

When you are in lust or “in love” in this way, you may believe it is all about you. You tend to rearrange facts to fit your fantasy, not the other way around. You convince yourself that what you want to believe is actually true, and no contrary views are allowed to cloud your blue skies. No many how many holidays you spend alone or how many people you have to keep in the dark, you are sure that your perfect life is just around the corner. While it is possible your lover has spoken the truth about their marriage, why are they still in it? Often, it is because there are children involved. No matter what you think of the culpability of their spouse, their children truly are innocent victims of your behavior. And this is where “fair” bumps smack into selfish.

More from YourTango: Study Gives New Meaning To The Phrase “Dirty Cheater”

But being in love isn’t about you. Love is about the other person. Being involved with someone who has a commitment to someone else is not loving behavior. Neither is attempting to build your happiness on the backs of innocent bystanders. There is no way you can honestly believe that your lover’s children will accept you with open hearts. They will not want to blame their parent for the destruction of their secure home. They will blame you. And it will be a blame that you have honestly earned.

It is hard to look at reality when you are in the throes of infatuation. But real love is based in that reality. It’s the behavior of adults who take all the players on the field into account; not just the two at the center. The problem with those who believe there are no rules is that they don’t want to deal with the real consequences of their actions. Those consequences will still occur, as the two websites illustrate, no matter how much you stomp your feet and pretend it isn’t so.

More from YourTango: Can An Affair Ever Become A Healthy Relationship?

What do you think? Do you agree that people who are involved in affairs should pay the consequences on sites like She’s A Homewrecker? Leave a comment below with your thoughts!

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Affair Revenge Websites: Unfair Or The Perfect Punishment?.

Read more: Dating, Love, Relationships, , , , , ,

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80 comments

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2:40AM PDT on Mar 26, 2014

interesting

wish we could flag the spam

2:28AM PDT on Mar 23, 2014

ty

4:34AM PDT on Mar 20, 2014

And this is where the author crossed the line for me!!!! Leave the kids out of this! Please, I wished my parents god divorced and not stayed married for "us". Like I didn't know that my mom didn't love my dad? It was clear. But she stayed "for us" she didn't have to say it, I was 10, when she had someone else, I was 12 when it ended and found her cry in her bedroom because my parents no longer shared a bedroom, seeing her cry, and understanding why, living loveless life with my dad, who was a good man, but he too was unhappy, he knew, I knew my little brother was getting a clue, so my dad for sure knew. Why, why did they stay together and didn't follow their hearts? We loved them, we didn't ask them to sacrifice their life for us, we knew that no matter what would happen my dad will love us, and he would be close by and my mom would be with us, perhaps she would smile, and not feel guilty every day. My parents just didn't love each other, they got married after college it was the right thing to do, then I came about then a house two cars and my brother, love, both busy with raising us and having career. I later found out that my dad was the first one who had someone else, and when i found out, it hit me, he met her when we were away on vacation, he actually had the guts to leave my mom but only for a weak because his parents got involved and he came back with tears in his eyes... Sometimes it isn't just "great sex" sometimes people really fall in love, and lets not forget

10:24PM PST on Mar 6, 2014

I just can't understand people who want to aire their dirty laundry to the world. Revenge such as this is so petty; it is adults throwing online temper tantrums while bullying the other party. Psychological warfare. Relationships don't work... It happens. And it has happened to me... People should just grow up and keep the trash talk to themselves. One the other hand, I don't comprehend who would really care to watch the crap any way.

7:20AM PST on Mar 3, 2014

Thanks for sharing

10:04PM PST on Mar 2, 2014

Oi. Stop blaming the other person, they aren't the one who betrayed a commitment. And enough with the vigilante justice already, especially when it comes to the net, where you don't know what kind of person is going to do what about the posted info.

Go be mad at the cheater. If anything, both partner and "other person" share something in common - they both made bad relationship decisions with someone who isn't worth it.

7:26PM PST on Mar 2, 2014

thanks

2:35PM PST on Mar 2, 2014

Sometimes it helps to "let it all out", but a more appropriate way would be to share all the emotions with a friend.

11:25AM PST on Mar 2, 2014

thanks

10:55AM PST on Mar 2, 2014

What a waste of time+energy.

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