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Animal Romance: They Have Sex How?!

Spotted Hyena

Female spotted hyenas wear the pants in the family — and she needs those pants because she is sporting a fake penis (which is actually a large clitoris!). How large? How about 7 inches large. See why she needs those pants?!

This large pseudo-penis is not just for emasculating males, but it is actually quite useful. The female hyena uses it to mate, to urinate and give birth.  When a female hyena gets in the mood you know it because her already large clitoris gets super-sized and the boys come running. However, don’t get to uppity boys, the female is still in charge and will dominate the mating ritual.  You really cannot blame her as she will be the one that will have to squeeze a baby hyena through her pseudo-penis, as that unfortunately is the only exit out!


Dolphins are one of the mammals most admired by humans. They are smart, playful, compassionate and seem to always be jolly happy. However, did you know that the males are also horny little devils with penises that have the agility of an elephant’s trunk?  With their prehensile swiveling penises, male dolphins will hump nearly anything including turtles, humans and inanimate objects. Fortunately, for those turtles, humans and inanimate objects, it only takes a dolphin about 12 seconds to ejaculate.


Giraffes may want to reconsider the ease of Hallmark cards and a box of chocolates as compared to their odd ritual of courtship. To discern whether a doe-eyed female is able and ready, a male will jab her buttocks a few times until she pees in his mouth. The male can then determine through the taste of her urine whether she is fertile and should continue the courtship. If the taste of her urine turns him on, he will then relentlessly follow her around until she finally consents to a romp in the grass.



Next to giraffes, hippos take the cake for grossing humans out in their mating habits. To turn a cute girl hippo on, the dude hippo defecates while spinning his tail, thus creating a fan of feces. If the girl hippo is throughly impressed by his feces-fanning prowess, she will allow him to mate.


Banana Slugs

Okay, the female hyena has an oversized clitoris that makes safari-goers blush, but she has nothing on the 6 to 8 inch banana slug who wields an erect 6 to 8 inch long penis!  To make matters even weirder, the slug’s penis emerges from a “genital pore” on its head! Banana slugs are also hermaphrodites meaning they swing both ways — and can do so at the same time. Consequently, it is not important to find the right gender to mate with, but rather to find one of the appropriate proportions. To ensure a sucessful mating, the two slugs must be about the same size. If not, one slug’s penis may get stuck during copulation and the other slug, in self-defense, will unsentimentally bite off its lover’s penis and move on to greener — and more appropriately-sized — pasture.

Bonobo Chimps

Bonobos are our closest relatives and, like us, they are sex-obsessed. But unlike us, they have no moral qualms about getting it on with whomever, whenever. All bonobos are bisexual and their answer to nearly all problems is to have sex.  Tired? Have sex. Had a fight? Have sex. Scared? Have sex. Want to play? Have sex.  In addition to the missionary position, they indulge a good french-kiss, engage in oral sex, mutual masturbation and even seem to enjoy penis-fencing foreplay. There must be some sound wisdom to this free-for-all as they are a very peaceful, gentle species.

Read more: Behavior & Communication, Less Common Pets, Love, Nature, Pets, Sex, Wildlife, , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Cherise Udell

Cherise Udell is a mom, clean air advocate, anthropologist and feline aficionado with the nomadic habit of taking spontaneous sojourns to unusual destinations. Before her adventures in motherhood, she was an intrepid Amazon jungle guide equipped with a pair of sturdy wellingtons and a 24-inch machete, as well as a volunteer at a rainforest animal rescue center.


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5:15AM PDT on Jun 28, 2013

thank you for sharing 28/6

8:35AM PDT on May 10, 2013

the monkey one. i liked it best. lol

9:55AM PDT on Mar 21, 2013

and Happy Spring!

9:54AM PDT on Mar 21, 2013

I don't think I could handle seeing 30,000 snakes in a ball...I would probably jump off a cliff :)

9:53AM PDT on Mar 21, 2013

well...that made my day!

8:24PM PST on Mar 4, 2013

I needed a good laugh. Thanks.

8:54PM PST on Feb 27, 2013


8:35PM PST on Feb 27, 2013


6:40PM PST on Feb 20, 2013


12:09PM PST on Feb 17, 2013

talk about some eye opening boom chicka wow wow

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