Are Sexual Fantasies Normal?

Q: I have many strange fantasies and ideas that I want to experiment with my partner. I am afraid to even bring them up because she would think I am so weird. How can I find out if my fantasies are abnormal? How do couples expand their sexual boundaries without harming the security in the relationship?

A: Fear of our own sexuality is the other side of the extreme exhibitionism that runs our culture promotes and sells as sexuality. Indeed the first question that people ask when they go see a sex therapist is usually “Is this/Am I normal?” The range of normal when it comes to sexuality is wide and deep. This fact was confirmed by the Kinsey research that was conducted in the 1940’s and published in the 1950’s. The research was originally funded by the Rockefeller foundation but the study lost its funding when the results fell so far outside of the anticipated. If you haven’t already seen the Kinsey Report, rent it.

That said, exposing our sexual curiosity and preferences is an act of great intimate courage. In our porn drenched culture finding a language to explore our own sexuality is challenging. I don’t think any other part of ourselves is as mysterious, even to ourselves and so it’s disclosure depends on relationship safety.

Yet, learning to express our desires and explore our sexuality with our partner is also the most bonding exercise we can engage in. The book that I always use as a reference point in this work is by Sex therapist Tammy Nelson in her book Getting the Sex You Want.

Although I can’t say I have tried every exercise in the book, every time I have used one of her exercises in my own sexual exploration with my husband of 25 years the results have been remarkable. Based on the work of imago therapy where you listen and repeat what your partner says, it has proven effective in the emotional interaction of couples. Freeing your relationship to explore this most mysterious part of what it means to be human is also a key into developing a sustainable loving relationship.

Submit your sex and relationship questions to askwendy@earth.care2.com

Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. As her online presence continues to grow, Wendy has become a trusted and respected source of information on lasting and healthy relationships. “I feel like I am inventing a language to give intimacy back to the people, take the fear away and open a space for physical love to serve as the glue that holds relationships together.” Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.

Read more: Health, Love, Relationships, Sex, wendy

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Rajnish S.

2:53AM PST on Dec 17, 2011

need of good bonding in relationship.

send a green star

Past Member .

10:02AM PDT on Sep 16, 2011

Fantasies are natural and fun. But if fantasy involves hurting yourself or others and if pain continues to be the main theme, it's time to see a counselor.

5:43PM PDT on Jun 30, 2011

LORD KAL Niranjan
Creator of Lower Worlds

I am Shakti.
I play.
The Ruler of Worlds
delights in me.
Come, my beloved,
immerse me in your glory
and I will worship you.

Fareena N.

11:17AM PDT on Mar 25, 2010

Sometimes they get out of control.

Ann W.

7:09PM PST on Jan 19, 2010

My partner is aware that his no. 1 competitor is a fictional character -- who makes HIM laugh. Would that be "abnormal"? He's learned what loosens me up and makes me laugh. Which isn't a bad thing! :-)

7:37AM PST on Jan 16, 2010

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Steve G.

1:21PM PDT on Aug 1, 2009

Cheri L. says

I was at IU when the Kinseys were playing their games, they recruited and encouraged out of the norm behavior. A lot of people were hurt by their shenanigans. No legitimate psychologist would ever suggest their work as resource. Fantasies are normal but best left in the fantasy realm.

Give up the internet porn and work on building a real relationship with your wife. I realize that the porn is not mentioned but most fantasies that men are hesitant to share come from pornography.

I disagree with your feelings on this subject. Fantasies most certainly do not come from porn. How can I say this? because I had fantasies even before I saw or knew porn existed. I was probably about 12 when I began those fantasies. Maybe 13, but the fact of the matter remains, fantasies do exist and are very much a normal part of human beings. Its those who take those fantasies over the line that it becomes a problem . Otherwise, it can be very healthy.
Its my belief this poster has some issues and is afraid to express their own fantasies,maybe for fear of being labeled some sort of freak or something.Seeking some therapy might be in order for this person.
I had a girlfriend who thought I was soem kind of freak or something because I had fantasies. Needless to say, we're no longer together.
I now have a girlfriend with whom I am extremely comfortable , and we often discuss our fantasies together.
Its a healthy relationship that can talk together about the