http://www.care2.com/greenliving/are-sexual-fantasies-normal.html
Are Sexual Fantasies Normal?
Q: I have many strange fantasies and ideas that I want to experiment with my partner. I am afraid to even bring them up because she would think I am so weird. How can I find out if my fantasies are abnormal? How do couples expand their sexual boundaries without harming the security in the relationship?
A: Fear of our own sexuality is the other side of the extreme exhibitionism that runs our culture promotes and sells as sexuality. Indeed the first question that people ask when they go see a sex therapist is usually “Is this/Am I normal?” The range of normal when it comes to sexuality is wide and deep. This fact was confirmed by the Kinsey research that was conducted in the 1940’s and published in the 1950’s. The research was originally funded by the Rockefeller foundation but the study lost its funding when the results fell so far outside of the anticipated. If you haven’t already seen the Kinsey Report, rent it.
That said, exposing our sexual curiosity and preferences is an act of great intimate courage. In our porn drenched culture finding a language to explore our own sexuality is challenging. I don’t think any other part of ourselves is as mysterious, even to ourselves and so it’s disclosure depends on relationship safety.
Yet, learning to express our desires and explore our sexuality with our partner is also the most bonding exercise we can engage in. The book that I always use as a reference point in this work is by Sex therapist Tammy Nelson in her book Getting the Sex You Want.
Although I can’t say I have tried every exercise in the book, every time I have used one of her exercises in my own sexual exploration with my husband of 25 years the results have been remarkable. Based on the work of imago therapy where you listen and repeat what your partner says, it has proven effective in the emotional interaction of couples. Freeing your relationship to explore this most mysterious part of what it means to be human is also a key into developing a sustainable loving relationship.
Submit your sex and relationship questions to askwendy@earth.care2.com
Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. As her online presence continues to grow, Wendy has become a trusted and respected source of information on lasting and healthy relationships. “I feel like I am inventing a language to give intimacy back to the people, take the fear away and open a space for physical love to serve as the glue that holds relationships together.” Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.
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18 comments
add your comment »Cheri L. says
I was at IU when the Kinseys were playing their games, they recruited and encouraged out of the norm behavior. A lot of people were hurt by their shenanigans. No legitimate psychologist would ever suggest their work as resource. Fantasies are normal but best left in the fantasy realm.
Give up the internet porn and work on building a real relationship with your wife. I realize that the porn is not mentioned but most fantasies that men are hesitant to share come from pornography.
I disagree with your feelings on this subject. Fantasies most certainly do not come from porn. How can I say this? because I had fantasies even before I saw or knew porn existed. I was probably about 12 when I began those fantasies. Maybe 13, but the fact of the matter remains, fantasies do exist and are very much a normal part of human beings. Its those who take those fantasies over the line that it becomes a problem . Otherwise, it can be very healthy.
Its my belief this poster has some issues and is afraid to express their own fantasies,maybe for fear of being labeled some sort of freak or something.Seeking some therapy might be in order for this person.
I had a girlfriend who thought I was soem kind of freak or something because I had fantasies. Needless to say, we're no longer together.
I now have a girlfriend with whom I am extremely comfortable , and we often discuss our fantasies together.
Its a healthy relationship that can talk together about the
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it will be x
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it can be beautiful to share
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thanks...
Kabin
Konteyner
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I believe fantasies are healthy, and within a trusting relationship, can be fun.
I agree with Lucia... and the fact that just because your other half is your sexual partner, this does not mean that they would automatically share your "tastes".
I would suggest starting a conversation around the area that your fantasies link to... you might be able to gage response before actually stating what your fantasies are... if not, maybe a well sourced film ? Again, based on the area of fantasy... and I do not automatically mean Porn (contrary to what Cheri L might think).
As for Cheri L's comment... I would suggest that your views on porn (or off the whole area) are YOUR views. It is not helpful to judge someone's genuine appeal for advise as something seedy. Not helpful and probably detrimental !
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i have sexual fantasies of a david bowie/ jesse spencer/ leonardo dicaprio hybrid A.K.A se##est man alive
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I fantasized of Daniel Radcliff, until I met a guy who looked like his psycho clone, now whenever I fantasize of Daniel I see the pyscho, and now my fantasy isn't enjoyable.
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are they normal?
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"Who's Been Sleeping In Your Head:The Secret World Of Sexual Fantasies" by Brett Kahr is an excellent book regarding fantasies. It's a study by a psychologist in England tracking, in detail, the sexual fantasies of tens of thousands of people. I'd recommend reading this book before sharing any fantasy. It's one of those books that makes you take a deeper look at yourself, and hopefully opens your eyes and mind to a new reality.
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why is this inappropriate?
I was at IU when the Kinseys were playing their games, they recruited and encouraged out of the norm behavior. A lot of people were hurt by their shenanigans. No legitimate psychologist would ever suggest their work as resource. Fantasies are normal but best left in the fantasy realm.
Give up the internet porn and work on building a real relationship with your wife. I realize that the porn is not mentioned but most fantasies that men are hesitant to share come from pornography.
send green star | flag as inappropriate
why is this inappropriate?
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