By Monica Wilcox
Excuse me, are you going to eat your dinner roll?
This was the running topic of dinner conversation during my college years. Not, “Have you studied up on Pavlov’s theory?” or “How wild was that frat party last night?” or “Are you seriously dating that hot cowboy?” My top concern was how many rolls I could mooch off my table mates in a 20-minute sitting. Fortunately for my cravings (unfortunately for my blood sugar) I lived in a sorority with 90 women; that’s A LOT of rolls. A good night’s take for me was around seven rolls.
Hello, my name is Monica and I’m a carboholic! Hot-buttered-bakery-fresh-donut-diva-there’s-not-a-bread-I-don’t-love CARBOHOLIC. Like, could someone please ban me to a life of bread and water!!!
When my weight starts to climb and my jeans start to feel like sausage skin, I know exactly where the blame lies. There were times in my life where 80% of my calories were carbohydrates: toast for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, and tortellini with garlic bread for dinner. Oh the Glory!
It Takes a Carby to Know a Carby
Yeah, I know a thing or two about the life of a carboholic. And I can spot another carby from the end of my baguette.
- Carbies choose restaurants based on the quality of their bread basket or tortilla chips; we eat the main dish to clear our palate. Olive Garden anyone!!
- Carbies consider a spiritual pilgrimage to be an Italian pizzeria tour.
- Carbies don’t mind sleeping in the Krispy Kreme drive-thru as they wait for the staff to arrive.
- Carbies have no problem ordering a baguette as a side to their sandwich.
- Carbies quietly hoard the bread basket; praying no one will eat the last warm cornbread muffin as they stuff down a sourdough roll. Pass the honey please!
- Carbies are secretly tipping the maitre d’ to stash an extra bread basket in their to-go-box.
- Carbies know the exact time the local bakery pulls the fresh loaves from their ovens (those would be the people standing at the glass counter at 5 am; cow pajamas, moose slippers and all).
- Carbies would never insult the Italian population by consuming pasta or pizza without cheesy bread.
- Carbies strive to complete the world Subway tour, visiting all 35,307 stores.
- Carbies have a “stash” hidden from their housemates.