Are You Cheating – Or Thinking About It?

Iím not sure whatís up, but Iíve been surrounded by women having affairs lately. I thought it might be just me. After all, Iím an OB/GYN, so I tend to attract women who are suddenly freaking out about the chlamydia they just contracted from their lover — the one their husband doesnít know about.

But then I read my friend Pamela Madsenís fabulous book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure, and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner, and she wrote about how all her friends were having midlife affairs, and it got me thinking.

How many of us are cheating?

And why is this happening?

If youíve ever cheated on someone, or youíre having an affair, or youíre tempted to have an affair, this post is for you.

But first off, letís not talk about whatís right or wrong here. Letís make this an exploration of a common phenomenon without muddying the waters with morality, religion, or judgment.

Letís make this about love. So we can all feel safe to discuss this issue as sisters.

My own cheating heart

Iíve never cheated on a husband. Iíve never had an affair. But I did kiss another guy the day before I broke off an engagement once. It was incredibly hot. And I felt like a total worm. I never told the guy I ditched about what had happened, but when he took my diamond ring and put it into a little oyster shell and sent it out to sea, I felt like a heel. I try to live a regret-free life, but I deeply regretted not having the guts to break up with him before kissing the guy.

I think I knew he would be so upset about what Iíd done that kissing this guy sort of got me off the fence and made my decision for me. Beforehand, I was 90 percent sure I wanted to break off the engagement. But I think I sucked face with that dude as a crutch. Once Iíd given into a moment of passion, I figured I might as well go ahead and end my engagement, since if I didnít — and I told my fiancť the truth — he would dump me instead.

It was sort of cowardly, when I think about it. I wish I had treated my fiancť with the respect he deserved by making up my mind first. And then kissing the other guy.

Next: It seems like a good idea at the time…

20/20 Hindsight

Of course, in retrospect, I know how I wish I behaved. But in the moment, I did the best I could.

Makes me flash back to a moment in family therapy when my sister was in the midst of her troubled teens. We would ask Keli, ďWhy would you do something like that?Ē And our therapist would interrupt us and answer for her, ďIt seemed like a good idea at the time.Ē No matter what she had done, this was the explanation. I could see Keli breathe a sigh of relief every time he said it.

Because itís true — not just for her, but for all of us.

One some level, when weíre there in the moment, it seems like a good idea at the time. It might not feel that way later, but at that second, it does.

And that explains a lot. Especially when it comes to passion.

Iím definitely not the type to get swept off my feet and wind up in the bartenderís bed the next morning with JBF hair. In fact, sometimes I wish I was more that way. But Iíve made peace with the fact that Iím not. My yoni is choosy and she doesnít like to come out for just anybody. And my passion is — sadly — a bit regimented, more like boot camp than sexy, sweaty, animal magnetism.

My hubby and I have had some sexual issues recently. After almost nine years, we could use a little somethiní somethiní in the bedroom department, if you know what I mean. So have I fantasized about running off with some other guy? You bet I have.

But would I do it? I donít think so. I think, for me, it would just be an escape. When I came back, my problems would be amplified, not resolved. And since my goal is always inner peace, I have a feeling Iíd be relinquishing any inner peace I do have if I made such a choice. So Iíd rather focus on ways to spice up my sex life with my husband, rather than cheating. Plus, I love and respect my husband and would never want to hurt him.

But thatís just me. Some women just seem less apt to plan and consider every angle and more prone to getting swept away in the moment. Who am I to judge?

But as a Pink Medicine Woman coach

…something niggles at me when I think about this issue. I might be totally off base, but I get the sense that these women might be getting in their own way. Perhaps, like I did, their Inner Pilot Light has already decided to end their committed relationship, but they havenít made peace with the consequences of that decision, which might mean a painful divorce, a custody battle, financial insecurity, social isolation, religious objections, or other heart-wrenching real obstacles to overcome should they follow the guidance of their Inner Pilot Light.

Perhaps the affair is just a self-sabotaging behavior that doesnít get to the root of the real problem, which often revolves around the lies we tell ourselves. Like, ďI want to be a monogamous committed womanĒ (when you donít). Or, ďHot sex doesnít really matter to meĒ (when it does). Or, ďI really love my husbandĒ (when youíre comfortable, but not in love).

Perhaps the real problem lies not in the cheating but in the self-deception that keeps us from owning who we really are and making peace with that part of ourselves we may not find acceptable. Is the affair just a crutch? Are you using it to avoid being unapologetically YOU?

If thatís the case, Iíd like to invite you to sign up for this free Get Out Of Your Own Way mini e-course.

And to those of you who are cheating — or who have cheated in the past — how do you deal with the conflicting feelings that surely arise? Do you tell yourself the truth about how you feel? Can you look yourself square in the eye and make peace with who you really are? Can you love the real you?

Your Inner Pilot Light knows the way, my love. Let it guide you. And donít be afraid to come face to face with the radiant brilliance of who you are at your very essence.

I could go on about this — but I wonít. So stay tuned for Part II in the Are You Cheating series.

PS: A note to any non-cheaters reading this. Please refrain from passing judgment in the comments here. Having interacted with many women in the midst of affairs lately, I can tell you they beat themselves up enough without needing to face any reproach from the rest of us. So please — offer loving kindness and compassion, not fear, judgment or a lecture. Linking arm and arm, we as women are frigginí powerful, so letís keep this in the Red Tent and make it safe to talk about anything here.

Related:
The Biology of Affairs
What Does His Infidelity Mean?
Healthy Sexual Fantasies

Love This? Never Miss Another Story.

73 comments

Sheri J.
Sheri J.2 years ago

Just like some people think it's okay to "date" while separated. If you date while separated that means you're still married. Married is married until you get divorced. If you date while married, then you may have a hard time getting back together with your spouse if you choose to reconcile because now you have another person in the picture.

Sheri J.
Sheri J.2 years ago

Affairs can happen for different reasons. One can write a whole another article on analyzing why a person cheats. What matters most is what are the guidelines in YOUR relationship and does your partner know about those guidelines? Did you and your partner sit discuss your relationship "contract" together? For example, you tell your partner that cheating in any way or form is a dealbreaker for you BUT wait! Your partner tells you it's okay to cheat IF: there is no emotional attachment there and if there was protection and they may tell you it's not considered cheating at all. But you do not agree and are not open with their perspective. So what is your plan then? Do you want to stick around and wait till their perspective changes? If their perspective differs from you then they are more likely going to go by their mindset "it's okay to cheat or it's not considered "cheating" as long as there is no emotional attachment and there is protection involved. If you discussed this in the beginning of your relationship or before you walk down that aisle then it can prevent you from future heartache because you already know what's in store for you and you can make better decision.

Sheri J.
Sheri J.2 years ago

@ Sarah G.'s comment "People should not make promises they do not intend to keep." I agree but what if they do break their promise? Is that a dealbreaker for you or do you plan on sticking around in the relationship hoping your partner would change?

Sheri J.
Sheri J.2 years ago

In my opinion, it is not considered "cheating" if you are fantasizing about cheating. What actually "counts" is the actual act of cheating such as the emotional and or physical affair.

Meg Lovara
Meg Lovara3 years ago

thanks

KS Goh
KS Goh4 years ago

Thanks for the article.

jennifer curtis
jennifer curtis4 years ago

no to both. it is a sin and disobient to Gods laws

James P.
James P.4 years ago

That's the "Liberal" philosophy! Intolerance of other viewpoints, debate, compromise and thought.

Camila K.
Kamila A.4 years ago

James P., you consistently make stupid comments everywhere I, unfortunately, see your postings. I wish you would go back to wherever you came from.

Evelyn H.
Evelyn Hess4 years ago

I highly recommend "Sex at Dawn" for anyone interested in this issue, or the origins of human sexuality. Great read, and although I don't want to offer anyone excuses, it will shed light on infidelity and promiscuity.