Ask the Loveologist: Four Ways to Increase the Love

I have been married for a few years and I increasingly feel a distance between me and my husband. I grew up with divorced parents and really don’t want my marriage to end like that but I have no idea what to do to improve things. I don’t want to lose him, but every time I try to talk to him about my feelings, he tells me things like I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong. Do you have any ideas that I could use to strengthen my connection to my partner?

This is an important question and one that often doesn’t get asked until many couples reach a point of no return. Statistically we have one of the highest fail rates at relationships in the world. About half of first marriages fail in the U.S., as do two thirds of second marriages and three quarters of third marriages . We fail in large part because we enter into relationships with poor skills for maintaining them and highly unrealistic expectations. The initial biological attraction that initiates most relationships is not a solid foundation to build a long term committed partnership. Rather than learning about the significant qualities of the other, biological and sexual attraction can blind us to who we partner with.

Our idea of romantic courtship and our attachment to the fairy tale happy endings is unique to western culture. Other cultures take a different view of choosing and building a long term partnership with more than half of the marriages on this planet arranged by parents or matchmakers whose primary goals are family harmony and long term suitability. Statistically these arranged partnerships fare better than the romance inspired relationships here. Following are the four primary areas where arranged marriages fare better and some ideas about what to do to build these in your own relationship.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Fi T.

3:09AM PST on Feb 23, 2013

If communication and respect are there

February 23
send a green star

Teresa W.

5:49AM PDT on Sep 11, 2012

How can you increase something that doesn't exist?

September 11
send a green star

5:15AM PDT on Aug 20, 2010

Disgusting!

August 20
send a green star

I nearly vomited. :-(

5:14AM PDT on Aug 20, 2010

Ashlee S.

2:58PM PDT on Aug 19, 2010

Thanks for the information, though if my partner fell back into my arms we'd end up in a crippled heap on the floor. :p

August 19
send a green star

Stephen A.

8:05AM PDT on Aug 19, 2010

This is the most succinct, comprehensive and well-written article on this subject I have read.

To me, the most compelling issue is honesty, which is very rare - how to encourage it, how to discover the truth and what to do with it when you find it?

Abo r.

8:07AM PDT on Apr 3, 2010

interesting

April 3
send a green star

Eric B.

2:02PM PST on Jan 29, 2010

Amazing skills to learn!
One thing I love about my relationship with my beloved is our honesty with each other.

If there is a feeling of misunderstanding, we ask each other "Can you please rephrase it, this is what it sounds you are saying to me."
And I know I'm the luckiest guy on the planet, because my love is willing to change the words she just said to me in another form.

Another thing is we know who we are, and who our partner is. We have come to terms that there are things about each other we may not agree on. She believes one thing, I believe another.
LISTEN to each other. Don't just argue your point! Remember, you are trying to learn more about each other.

Putting someone "in their place" is horrible, as there is only one place you're putting them.

That is "down". You put them down by saying "No, you're wrong, this is why I'm right" and then it feels like you're rubbing it in their face.

If you wanted that, go on Rush Limbaugh or talk with Bill O'Reiley.

You didn't decide to get in a relationship with them, so don't treat your loved one like you would treat them.