Ask the Loveologist: Is this Relationship Toxic?

I have been with the same partner for many years and have tried to make our relationship work, but it seems like the longer I am with him the worse I feel about myself. He makes fun of me when I say what I think and then thinks I am ridiculous because, I “can’t take a joke.” We used to have some good conversations but now I can almost never find the right time to talk about anything. I don’t want to leave but my life feels like it is closing in on me. Any ideas?

Your descriptions of your relationship certainly qualify for many of the definitions of a toxic relationship which means that instead of helping you to live your best life, the relationship actually diminishes your sense of self worth and ability. Being with someone who has no respect for you and belittles what you do, say or think makes living a satisfying life incredibly difficult.

Often both people in a toxic relationship have low self esteem and little sense of their own self worth. Many people grow up in families where these kinds of relationships are the norm and creating them in our adult relationships is easy because they are so familiar and often because we continue to try to resolve our childhood issues in our adult relationships. People often hurt each other in relationships to ease their own pain and don’t even see that they are doing it.

People accept these kinds of relationships as normal because they don’t believe they are deserving of anything better.

Although all relationships go through difficult periods of conflict and disappointment, relationships that weather these difficulties share some important qualities that toxic relationships don’t. Mature and growing relationships are a reflection of the well being of each individual in the relationship. The process of working through problems does not start and end with blaming and belittling one partner. When each person brings their own self-respect to the conflict, there is an opening to look at the problem not point the finger at each other.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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Danuta W.

2:35AM PST on Mar 6, 2013

Thank you, great article

March 6
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Jennifer U.

1:39PM PST on Dec 19, 2012

I've been in a similar relationship, it was difficult to let go of him but in the end I'm better off without him because he made me feel so terrible about myself. Relationships such as these make you realize how truly fragile emotions are. The relationship only lasted about 6 weeks but it took almost a year to recover my self esteem and start feeling confident enough to date again.

For anyone that's in a relationship where the other person verbally abuses you, just ask yourself "Does this relationship fit my idea of love?"

December 19
send a green star

Patricia G.

6:50AM PDT on Jun 23, 2012

I agree a 100% with Ke T.!

June 23
send a green star

6:49AM PDT on Jun 23, 2012

I agree 100% with Ke T.

Dent H.

5:48AM PDT on Jun 22, 2012

Communication is the key. Relationships are one of the most difficult things I have ever faced. One need to give allot at times, and considering the lack of honor and commitment now a days in every day life for most people I am surprised relationships last a year for most people. There are way to many excuses to move on and it has become socially accepted to do so. I see so many older people alone in their golden years now and it seems there are more now than when I was young. I look at the older couples who are still so much in love after 50 years together and hope I manage to have the same thing at that age. It is so cool to watch the caring between people like that. One knows they put in a whole bunch of work over the years to get to that point. Big Sigh!

June 22
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Patricia H.

7:36AM PDT on May 16, 2012

thanks for sharing

May 16
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Ke T.

8:31AM PDT on May 31, 2011

The best thing to do when in a toxic relationship is simply leave. It is harder than it sounds, though.

May 31
send a green star

RK R.

12:58PM PDT on May 23, 2011

Crazy. Life is so hard when dealing with these awful emotions. My relationship is a constant roller coaster and walking on eggshells; and I don't back down from anything and give it right back. I even warn that I am so angry it is best that they walk away, but instead they keep on "pushing my buttons" and make it worse. So exhausting. I feel that I have no way out.