Ask the Loveologist: Lasting Longer?
My partner and I have been together for a couple of years.† I really love him and I love to be intimate with him, but once things get going down there, it seems like it’s over as soon as it starts. I donít want to hurt his feelings, but I just canít seem to keep up.† Any ideas?
I really love my girlfriend and I want to last longer for her.† She has never complained to me about our sex together, but I feel like the whole thing just gets going and then she is off to shower.† I donít know if the problem is me or just a rushed pattern that we always get caught in. What can I do to make our lovemaking last longer?
As you can see, both men and women struggle with the problem of how long sexual encounters last. There are a couple of different issues that get wound together, even as couples as the question which taken one by one, helps to clarify what is a problem and what is a process. The first thing to ask both you and your partner is are you wanting sex that lasts longer or do you individually or collectively want to last longer during sex.
The first issue, of sex lasting longer, requires that both people agree on what sex means. How you define what being sexual means to you and your partner will help to clarify what you both are invested in extending. For most people when they reflect on their sex life,† it is more than intercourse that they think about.
The best way to work on sexual issues is to expand our ability to think about what we are trying to extend.† Consider these questions:
Many couples jump to the place of believing that the man is responsible for how long sex lasts, and many men have unfounded high levels of anxiety about not being able to last long enough.† It is not uncommon to approach this issue with the belief that one person in the couple can/should control how long the intimacy lasts.† Taking a team approach to the issue changes the focus and creates a space where both partners can feel responsible and like equal participants in the sex they are creating.
This is the work of learning both to understand what you enjoy and finding a language to communicate it.† Maybe more foreplay is enough to even out the timing for one partner, maybe a slower more even pace of intercourse will help someone else stay more connected to their partner.
Unpacking the mystery of sexuality with words might not seem sexy,† but the best and most successful sexual partners will tell you that being able to talk about their own experience and being curious about their partners is foundational to all other pleasure explorations.†† The best way to change a sexual pattern is for both partners to take responsibility for their side.† Any sexual issue that lives as the burden of only one partner is trouble that will affect much more than the bedroom intimacy.
It is easy to get caught up in erroneous beliefs about our sexuality and not even know it is happening. Fears about penis size, premature ejaculation and an inability to orgasm are all variations on the same theme of sexual anxiety that plagues more people than not.†† Having the courage to explore what you want to extend in your sex life with your partner is a powerful antidote to sexual anxiety.† Figuring out what parts of lovemaking that you want to extend and doing more of those things is an easy and direct way to build confidence in your lovemaking and your partnership.
I have always counseled my customers about extending their lovemaking time as I would explain our different product lines.† The truth is that an additional ten minutes spent loving someone physically can change your world. Taking your time, owning your own sense of pleasure and being curious about your partners are simple healing tools with the power to reshape your sex life.