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Ask the Loveologist: Lasting Longer?

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Ask the Loveologist: Lasting Longer?


My partner and I have been together for a couple of years.† I really love him and I love to be intimate with him, but once things get going down there, it seems like it’s over as soon as it starts. I donít want to hurt his feelings, but I just canít seem to keep up.† Any ideas?

I really love my girlfriend and I want to last longer for her.† She has never complained to me about our sex together, but I feel like the whole thing just gets going and then she is off to shower.† I donít know if the problem is me or just a rushed pattern that we always get caught in. What can I do to make our lovemaking last longer?

As you can see, both men and women struggle with the problem of how long sexual encounters last. There are a couple of different issues that get wound together, even as couples as the question which taken one by one, helps to clarify what is a problem and what is a process. The first thing to ask both you and your partner is are you wanting sex that lasts longer or do you individually or collectively want to last longer during sex.
The first issue, of sex lasting longer, requires that both people agree on what sex means. How you define what being sexual means to you and your partner will help to clarify what you both are invested in extending. For most people when they reflect on their sex life,† it is more than intercourse that they think about.

The best way to work on sexual issues is to expand our ability to think about what we are trying to extend.† Consider these questions:

  • What part of† your sexual interaction is most pleasurable and you would like to make longer?
  • Is it your body that gives out in some way, or your mind that loses focus and ability to concentrate on your experience?
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    Wendy Strgar

    Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.† In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,† she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice.†It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." †The book is available on ebook.† Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

    47 comments

    + add your own
    10:26AM PST on Nov 20, 2011

    Thanks - very sensible article and comments (apart from the rather upset Teresa).

    9:57AM PDT on Aug 5, 2010

    Thank you for all the info and comments, this is good education

    4:30AM PDT on Jul 14, 2010

    Rule no. 1 is to be able to talk about sex/intercourse/orgasm, freely!
    There are many books available that will aid your sexlife.
    There are many couples that watch pornography to stimulate the sexdeed.
    However, invariably one partner, usually the woman gets tired of watching pornography.
    Not all, mind!
    Ladies, do not feel bad if people say the "G-spot" as the be all end all because many doctors concentrating on the physical say there is no such thing.
    It is only the imagination of women, and men as well who feel bad not having found the illusive "g-spot"
    More foreplay definitely helps and as men normally reach orgasm first, it is many times advisable to play with your lady till she gets an orgasm.
    After that, you men can have sex with your partner, without feeling anxious.
    There are unfortunately women that never reach a climax, being fingered or not. For those women assuming the 69 position, often helps you reach a climax.
    And don't tell me you find this a dirty practice. If you really love each other, you should be keen on kissing each other all over.
    There!
    Nuff said!

    11:54PM PDT on Jul 13, 2010

    Thanks so much for this wonderful article. Helpful information about a subject that is sometimes hard to talk about.

    9:26PM PDT on Jul 12, 2010

    Thanks

    1:48PM PDT on Jul 12, 2010

    more play

    9:07PM PDT on Jul 9, 2010

    At the age of 50 something, I finally realized that the answer to feminine satisfaction is for a woman to take control of her own pleasure.

    Please listen ladies. We men have no idea!!!! We don't know what you're feeling, we don't know if we're hitting the right spot, we don't even know if you've really had enough foreplay/afterplay.

    YOU have to be in comtrol if YOU are going to achieve complete satisfaction. YOU know exactly how you're feeling and if it's going to result in an orgasm for you.

    Don't worry about your man - trust me - just about anything you do will feel good to him.

    And once you have achieved your climax - he WILL achieve his. Men almost always do.

    How do I know this? I'm on my 3rd marriage and FINALLY - my wife is one of those women - she takes complete control of her own orgasm, she does not rely on me.

    The first two placed an awful amount of pressure and anxiety on me because they had no idea. It was my job to satisfy them, and the result was that they were seldom satisfied.

    2:22PM PDT on Jul 9, 2010

    I feel sorry for Teresa. Unfortunately, our culture is so uptight about sex that many, many people think just like she does, that sex is so disgusting and dirty that even talking about it in 'clinical' terms here among adults is like pornography to her.

    For something so integral to all of our lives in so many areas, it's really tragic that religion and politics et al have made this vital subject almost impossible to talk about rationally, with each other, let alone on a forum with others.

    Thank goodness there are people like Wendy who make it their mission in life to help declutter the subject and help people focus on the things that actually affect couples.

    Read things and discuss them with your partner! Quite often once you find out that your problems/hangups/fears are more common than you thought, it makes them less potent (no pun there!) and easier to confront and cure.

    Sex is NOT dirty or bad, and it's NOT just for procreation anymore! If you have a healthy approach to sex with each other it's pleasurable and good for your mind and body in many ways! Sexual activity has quite a few very beneficial effects on the body and the mind. And as I always say, sex is about 10% physical and 90% mental.

    1:20AM PDT on Jul 9, 2010

    This is great, thanks!!

    11:35PM PDT on Jul 8, 2010

    Teresa W. - Sorry hun, this ain't pornography by any definition. It doesn't even come close to being pornography.

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    Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
    Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

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