Ask the Loveologist: What Does His Infidelity Mean?

I never thought I would be the recipient of a letter that informed my that my partner was cheating on me. I had heard that story before and have to say that I don’t know which way to turn, what to believe, how to trust what he says… I feel like I am starting from square one again and although our relationship works so well in so many ways I am not sure how to think about this act of infidelity and afraid that it will make trusting him again impossible. Any help?

Discovering infidelity no matter how it happens to you is one of the most emotionally jarring experiences many people face. It brings up a huge number of questions about oneself and relationship, in a myriad of ways–especially feelings of attractiveness, adequacy, and worth. In addition to questioning your ability to trust someone else, it also can make you doubtful about trusting yourself and your own judgment. Infidelity is the one breach of trust that strikes a chord so deeply in most people who experience it, that many look back on it as the beginning of a new chapter in their lives.

Whether it is true as it has recently been suggested that male sexual drives predispose them to “a need for sexual diversity,” the incidence of infidelity in the US is so common that more people are affected than not. The percentage of people impacted by infidelity is between 30-60 percent of all married couples, depending on the study cited. The work of David Barash in the Myth of Monogamy is a great primer in understanding why infidelity is more the norm than the exception. ‘We are not naturally monogamous.

Anthropologists report that the overwhelming majority of human societies either are polygamous or were polygamous prior to the cultural homogenization of recent decades.’ In a recent study of committed partners, fully 95 percent of men and 80 percent of women fantasized about sex with other partners.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

LMj S.

12:33AM PST on Feb 10, 2012

thank you.

send a green star

Sharon W.

1:44PM PST on Feb 9, 2012

I don't know when you sent this to me but the circumstances of a relationship can waiver between the two when one wants more than what they are giving and they don't always talk about things before they decide themselves to do what they want to and it upsets the way a relationship should be by both of the people who cause the problem of infidelity and the consequences of their actions. It isn't what you make of it it is what others seem to think they get out of it by being unfaithful.

holly m.

11:28AM PST on Feb 9, 2012

The bottom line is,infidelity comes from selfishness."I" want variety,"I "think so-and so would be a fun partner."I"-"I"-"I"!!! I f the same level of commitment is given to the relationship in the first place,infidelity wouldn't happen.It is a purposeful act of your will TO BE FAITHFUL,and telling yourself "no".I know that self discipline is not very popular nowdays , which is why I believe happiness is not popular,either.GROW THE F*** UP BEFORE GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP!

Lupe G.

1:59PM PST on Jan 26, 2011

I guess I don't really know how I can answer this one as I was just personally hurt by this topic on Christmas Day. I want to believe the research that points to monogamy not being natural but I guess the idea of forever is something I prefer. I guess in this case it's nurture vs. nature.

Rachel R.

3:39PM PST on Jan 24, 2011

It is so "soul-sucking" when true cheating is found to be occurring to yourself. Trust is so difficult. Cheating can be avoided if there can be some way to agree to a safe,mutual escapade. But that is just throwing something out there. Not realistic for everyone.
I agree about how disgusting it is to know an STD may be brought home to be shared OR a possible pregnancy or emotional bond is shared with another person. How terrible. The emotional bond is almost worse than the physical betrayal.

Michelle R.

5:07PM PST on Nov 30, 2010

Boooooo!!!!! =(

4:43PM PST on Nov 13, 2010

It has happened to me as well he went with someone before then he went back again and the consequences of his and her actions lead to something else. I only found out last year. It still hurts and I don't think that things will ever be the same again. His disrespect for our marriage seems to be what he had decided to do on his own without thinking first of what he was losing

Katarina L.

1:35PM PST on Nov 9, 2010

infidelity was the most painful thing i experienced in life. i don't know why they do that to us if they love us...

Petra L.

1:36AM PDT on Nov 7, 2010

I have to agree with Charles Wallace. Plus the one who is cheating may bring diseases back to the other. How fair is that, just because one doesn't believe in it? It's a divorcable cause.

Charles W.

3:08PM PDT on Nov 1, 2010

@Iain Parkes: "fidelity is unnatural, pair bonding is only needed for a few years whist children are not able to look after themselves." "With the coming of the welfare state and governments taking over many of the roles that formerly were held by husbands and families, fidelity is no longer needed in the same way! " "Time to move on from this concept!"

Iain, the government is not "taking over" any roles from husbands or families. It does step in when husbands and/or mothers are failing to exercise their roles as protectors and providers for their children. We're not at "Brave New World" yet.

I'm not going to maintain that fidelity is necessary for a stable home environment for children. But honesty and trust ARE. If you don't believe in monogamy, don't promise to be monogamous. If you promise to be monogamous, then BE monogamous. Either your word is worth something, or it's not. Most of us would rather not be in a relationship with someone we can't trust. Once trust is lost, it's EXTREMELY difficult to get back. Justifying infidelity by saying "Society made me do it" is a sure sign that one will do it again, over and over.