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Ask the Loveologist: Where Did My Libido Go?

Mental and emotional struggles often get wrapped up and manifest in ongoing relationship issues. Many couples are challenged with communication problems and ongoing conflict. Issues of commitment and infidelity can be deal breakers. Not feeling connected to your partner is enough for many women to have no access to their libido. The link between feeling bad about yourself and then feeling bad about your partner is a bit of a chicken and egg problem– hard to know which one initiates the other. The important thing is to stop the cycle. Usually that begins with self love.

Certainly not the only reason, but a great one to inspire a fresh look at your lifestyle habits is that the healthier and happier you are, the more room you give your libido to wake up. It is amazing how changing small daily habits can turn our health around quickly. Include exercise and choose fresh and whole foods every day. Learn to meditate or take short walks and learn to shut off the chatter in your mind. Turn off the gadgets and television and cultivate the art of conversation. Sleep when you are tired.

Learning how to communicate is the currency of your relationships’ capacity for intimacy: physically, emotionally and mentally. Prioritize shared enjoyment and learn to fight fair when conflicts arise. Schedule time to connect physically. Intimacy can be as non-threatening as mutual back rubs, but what is important is to rebuild your capacity to have physical conversations. Go slowly and consider this a practice of discovering the sensual aspects of sharing a life with someone.

A great resource on your journey is Reclaiming Desire by Marianne Brandon, PHD and Andrew Goldstein, MD. I like this book because it doesn’t pathologize the issue of libido but offers a wide range of holistic solutions to address it. I spoke with Marianne recently on her radio show and was excited to find this resource that provides so many reasonable and doable solutions for women.

I congratulate you for wanting to deal with this issue in your life. As challenging as it may be to find the mix of solutions that works for you and your partner, I guarantee that the effort will pay you back, both in the increased connection you build in your relationship but also, and more importantly, in the confidence you gain from finding your center.

Read more: Ask the Loveologist, Love, Relationships, Sex, Sexual Health, Women's Health, , , ,

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


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2:26PM PST on Jan 24, 2013

I agree with Lin, I feel that women tend to be more concerned with feeling a connection with their partner. If it would be 100% up to me, me and my boyfriend would spend more time cuddling and would have sex when the mood was absolutely perfect for it while my boyfriend tends to create the mood and doesn't mind if it's not perfect. I feel that this sums up most male and female relationships.

2:03AM PST on Feb 10, 2012

I agree Megan S! Many women including myself, have an overactive libido, and it is the men that are lacking in the want. I suppose some of that has to do with the lowering of testosterone as they age. It's not always the women who say they have the headache!

7:19PM PDT on Sep 5, 2011

Sex is totally overrated in contemporary society, you have to fit the norm or else... talking about distractions and small minds...

9:36PM PDT on Aug 4, 2011

thanks for posting

5:57PM PDT on Aug 4, 2011

For one thing, a man also has to look after himself just as he is demanding it from his woman!

2:03AM PDT on Jul 30, 2011

thank you for the article wendy.... relaxation,good diet and yoga is very important for a healthy life for oneself,partner and the family. ...most of all a positive attitude with an open mind.

3:53AM PDT on Jul 29, 2011

Chances are that you're exhausted by working, taking care of your child and worring about this.But, just in case your thyroid isn't working DO have a GOOD checkup. Then ask your husband out on a date, buy a dress---you remember dresses-- and a pretty nightie, get your hair done.At dinner drink 1/2 a glass of wine.Talk. Do the '"date night " once a week,Pretty soon BOTH of you will remember what you use to want to do. Then DO IT!

8:57PM PDT on Jul 28, 2011

To get your libido back just use Love Potion Number 10, or the Kadir-Buxton Method, both of which can be seen at:

7:24PM PDT on Jul 28, 2011

something we usually don't know...arousal is related with the parasympathetic area of our brain and orgasm related with the sympathetic area. If we are stressed, running with our lifes we tend to be on the sympathetic mode all the time, so we don't allow the parasympathetic fase to happens... In other words, we don't take time to relax, to stop running, to stop the visual polution every day and night from tv, radios, computers, that is why its important to slow down abit, meditate, listen calm musics, do some exercise, yoga, tai chi... it should put you on the parasympathetic mode and will improve the libido.

6:52PM PDT on Jul 28, 2011

I added a comment previously that didn't get listed in comments, about lust and male obsession with sex to extreme areas, ex., children & other species of animals. While females in relationships often desire mental communications as well as the sexual/physical pleasures. Perhaps this comment will get through Care2 or whomever is policing.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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