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Can You Heal Your Inner Critic?

Can You Heal Your Inner Critic?

By Melanie Bates

This isnít going to be very funny, or witty, or humorous, my friends, but I still think youíll relate to my son-of-a-bitch of an inner critic.† In fact, I daresay you have one too – possibly a bit less crass, a bit nicer, but youíve got one nonetheless.

Iím heading in to surgery the day before my 41st birthday.† While finishing up my last semester of college I found a lump in my throat which I blatantly ignored as I studied for finals, wrote my senior thesis, and waited on the edge of my seat to find out if my Valedictorian nomination would mean I had to give a speech to thousands of kids, twenty-some years younger than I, wearing green gowns and caps with yellow tassels.

While I ignored this lady lump on the surface, my subconscious was busy deciding that I needed to move home to be closer to family.† Everyone in my circle asked after my plans ďwhere will you live?Ē or ďwhat will you do?Ē I had no idea and, for the first time in my life, I didnít see a clear vision of my future or of what I wanted.

Now I know why.

After I settled into my brotherís house with three other adults, four children, and a passel of dogs, my conscious mind told me to get my shit together and deal with the lump.† I went in for tests and was diagnosed with†Hashimotoís Thyroiditis.† (Typically, I adore all things Asian, this. . . not so much.)† I was told I needed an ultrasound and when the technician spent an inordinately long amount of time in the same two spots, and then called in her supervisor, I knew something wasn’t right.† I mean, I know they’re not allowed to tell you anything, and Iím not a rocket scientist, but their faces, mannerisms, and excessive picture taking was clue enough for my dim wit.

After it was confirmed that I had, not one, but a few lady lumps, I was told I needed a biopsy to see if the big ďCĒ was present.† Iím not afraid of needles, per se, but when said needles are mining around in your throat like a jackhammer on a Saturday morn in New York City, it tends to get a bit intense.

Then I waited.† And I waited, and I waited for that path report. For eleven days my Inner Critic and I argued back and forth:

Inner Critic: You have cancer, you git.† Itís all those Nerd Ropes youíve eaten over the years.† Not to mention the Sunkist Orange soda and countless hours spent in front of the tv playing Zelda.

Me: I donít have cancer.

Inner Critic: Yeah you do, and when you were thirteen you stole a pack of your momís cigarettes so you could look cool and twenty-some years later youíre still huffing, trying to look cool inside. Your best friend is a menthol light.

Me: I donít have cancer.

Inner Critic: Youíre going to die right after youíve moved home to be closer to your family.† Look at all those years you were away.† Look at all you missed.† What?† So you could go to a Journey concert and ride on a tractor?† So you could dive out of a plane?† So you could learn to surf and be the only white girl dancing the soul train? So you could finish college with the most marketable degree ever? Ha! English/Creative Writing and Religious Studies?† The recruiters are just lining up, arenít they?† Youíre a selfish bitch.

Me: . †. †.

Inner Critic: You should have never laid out on the trampoline sunbathing with tinfoil under your thighs. †You should have never microwaved your popcorn.

And the dialogue continues.

Then the nurse called.

My lumps were non-diagnostic.† Essentially, in laymenís terms, they have no unearthly idea if theyíre cancerous or not.† So, the doctor recommended a surgeon and Iím to have my thyroid and these lumps removed posthaste.

This isnít an easy decision for someone who believes in the emotional correlation to physical illness.† My Inner Critic and I had a few choice words over this as well:

Inner Critic: What do you need your thyroid and those lady lumps for? Decoration? A place to hang your scarves?

Me: But what if I can just deal with the emotional issues behind this and get well on my own?

Inner Critic: Who do you think you are? Louise-f*cking-Hay? Why donít you just write an affirmation on the mirror with that ugly ruby red lipstick you wore last Halloween.† Poof! Youíre healed.

Me: I feel like these lumps are a manifestation of the fact that I’m not using my voice.† I’m not writing.

Inner Critic: Well, laddddeeeee-f*cking-dah.

Me: It just feels so circular.† Iím not writing so Iíve developed a health condition thatís screaming at me to use my voice.† Iím not writing BECAUSE I have a health condition thatís affecting my voice.

Inner Critic: Get over yourself Louise, youíve got lipstick on your teeth.† Youíre going to die before youíve finished your novel and you will have wasted your life and your purpose.

Yup, my Inner Critic is the meanest a-hole Iíve ever encountered.

Stay tuned for my next post:††The Bargain Iíve Struck with Thyroid Cancer

This is far from over.

Is it just me or does anyone else have a NASTY inner critic? †Is it possible to bring healing to our inner critics? How do you get your inner critic to shut its piehole? Advice wholly welcome.

 

Read more: Cancer, General Health, Guidance, Health, Spirit, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

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40 comments

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7:22AM PST on Feb 26, 2012

My inner critic sounds like the twin of yours!

3:34AM PST on Jan 17, 2012

"and excessive picture taking was clue enough for my dim wit." .... when you write (and think!)words like these about yourself, who needs a critic?

ofcourse I have that voice too, and I do my best to be as concious about it as I can, to not take shtuff that is said in my head for truth and for granted. some days that works, some days it doesn't.... I look at my cats and dogs for inspiration how to be happy with myself!

1:35PM PDT on Oct 13, 2011

I too have a terrible inner critic...

12:51PM PDT on Sep 15, 2011

Thank you for sharing, very brave of you. As many have said before, it is good to know one is not alone in harsh feelings, especially about oneself. I'm sorry I don't have much advice for you. Unfortunately, I have a very hard time dealing mine as well! I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I wish you the best.

11:42AM PDT on Sep 12, 2011

I have a horrible inner critic. I used to just let it run rampant but I've started to just get really quiet instead. As it rages at me, I ask myself if it's true (whatever the the critic is raging about, that is) . The answer is always no. And then I ask myself what it is that I NEED to know. Then I just breathe and usually after a few moments I feel better, the raging stops, and I have a clearer understanding of what is really going on. I have bi-polar II and my critic is full of all kinds of nonsense but this has really helped me.

Good luck to you, best wishes for a speedy recovery.

2:34PM PDT on Sep 11, 2011

it takes constant vigilance

1:31PM PDT on Sep 10, 2011

thank you...its good to know i am not the only one with the harsh inner voice. I try to thank it for showing me things to watch out for, and tell it to calm down. that seems to be helping. :)

Good luck to you. :)

2:54PM PDT on Sep 9, 2011

Interesting and I will be reading part 2

9:09AM PDT on Sep 9, 2011

It's good to know someone has a jerky voice saying meanie things as well... really meanie things. I can't wait to hear more of your story. Let me know how to shut that puppy up! Yes, Thanks for sharing and best of happy luck to you.

11:29AM PDT on Sep 8, 2011

thanks for sharing

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