Codependency: Strong Enough To Kill Your Love

Codependency sucks.

Let’s talk about the the relationship cancer, the bleach that eats away at the fabric of your most sacred relationships, the drama of the puppet master that eventually destroys even the best performer… codependency. Codependency sucks and talking about is about as easy as nailing jello to the wall. As soon as I get an example up there, it slips away.

The elusive nature of codependency is one of the many reasons I think it’s so important to talk about it. It is coy and slick, a real shape-shifter, and people who are being driven over the edge by codependency often don’t even know what’s happening to them. It drives you stark raving mad and still, when you look at the wall, there is absolutely nothing there under that nail to blame for your misery.

Codependency is an addiction, much like one might have to crack or nicotine, to control. People come by it honestly, just like all the other addicts, by trying to cope with the chaos of their pain. When there is a tornado inside, we seek stability outside. Where love is uncertain, we rotate between clinging to it and pushing it away.

When I was young, things weren’t terribly stable and I tried hard to be a good girl, good enough to keep people from being angry, to keep things predictable, to keep my heart safe. I learned that if someone was unhappy and I could be cute or smart or helpful or quiet or funny enough (depending on the moment), their unhappiness would pass… and I would be safe. It worked, not perfectly, but it gave me enough of an illusion of control that I survived.

1 of 2

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

KS G.

5:39AM PST on Dec 29, 2011

Thanks for the article.

send a green star

Rosie L.

11:51AM PST on Dec 9, 2011

thank you!!

Sue M.

7:47AM PST on Dec 8, 2011

thanks.

Holly L.

9:50PM PST on Nov 13, 2011

None of this for me .. my husband and I are equals!

Wild T.

12:26PM PDT on Oct 25, 2011

Our codependency with western civilization kills just about everything...

Jane B.

10:00PM PDT on Oct 21, 2011

What does codependent mean? That you let some man suck up your life and use you?

Bonnie K.

12:54PM PDT on Oct 21, 2011

Very astutely portrayed – and thank you for the reminder. This is EXACTLY how I feel, no sense of Self. And I'm no newbie to this concept, or to healing. I've been doing my "work" for 15 years, discovering all the eddies and patterns, the neurological programming of living in anxiety. I've looked at the spiritual context, the physical, mental, emotional, you name it. This past 2 years has been about going another level deeper than just understanding it profoundly with my mind. And yet I am amazed at how difficult it can be to really know Who I Am from the inside. It sounds like the easiest, most natural thing in the world! But when you are finely trained not to be yourself through the formative years, "natural" feels "unnatural", until we really give ourselves permission to let go and Love from within. :)

Jessica W.

9:37PM PDT on Oct 19, 2011

Codependency is a tricky thing. It can make one feel satisfied because you are making others happy and you strive on that, but you really hurt yourself because you don't make yourself happy.

Nancy B.

1:31PM PDT on Oct 19, 2011

We all need to be true to ourselves and be proud when we march to the beat of a different drum. All course, this is easy to say and difficult to do. Often, I consider myself to be selfish because I do what I want to do and believe what I want to believe, but in reality, the only way I can function as a mother, wife, grandmother, friend and citizen is to be strong. If I don't take care of me, I can't take care of others. So, I work on being true to myself.