Codependency Sucks: Happy Mom’s Day

Codependency sucks. It sucks for a million reasons but today my heart is aching from the realization that my old friend Cody (codependency) has come between my children… and themselves. Yeah, happy freaking Mother’s Day to me.

Recovering from codependency comes in layers, the same process over and over again, getting rid of one layer at a time. I discover a behavior, a tool of sorts, that I’ve been using to (attempt to) manipulate my world into being what it “should” be. Releasing that behavior means choosing a more authentic way to show up in my relationships.

That replacement is usually something scandalous like asking for what I need. Crazy, right? The initial behavior, of course, was passively waiting for others to prove their love by predicting and meeting my needs while I wait stoically in the corner, pretending I don’t have any. …and responding aggressively when they inevitably get it wrong. Recovery is about finding a way to live without forcing what “should” be to be.

Every time, it starts with an awkward moment, the realization that I’ve overstepped my bounds. That is followed by the release of something that was never actually mine to begin with. The I-can’t-make-that-person/situation/company/thing-act-right panic builds, spinning me further and further beyond the realm of matters that are actually my business, until there is no more room left in my body for the hysteria. And then, I crash… into the bittersweet wake-up call that the only thing I can control, still, is me.

Damn, I hate the simplicity of that. Especially, when it comes to my children. That humbling wake-up call is what led to this…

My Children, I have overstepped my bounds.

I have taken responsibility for who you are, when what you needed was for me to take responsibility for who I am.

I thought that if you were a success, that it meant I had succeeded. What I need is to succeed… at being me. I am a woman – a whole person with dreams and passions and a life to live – a woman who is lucky enough to have you for a child, but I am not only a mother.

My life is mine. Your life is yours. I understand that now. Please, forgive me for the confusion the old way has created for all of us. I was mistaken when I convinced us both that your life – your education and ambition and dreams, or at least the desire that must fuel them – were mine to craft.

It is neither my job, nor within my power to make you BE… anything. I am not an artist with clay, molding you to suit my desires. The clay is in your hands. My job as your mother is to enable you, to support you, to guide you, to encourage you. While I take that piece of who I am very, very seriously… your life is not ultimately mine to live.

You, and I, need you to be in charge of you. It is your job to craft you into the person you want to be. You are the artist. Your power, your potential, your life… is in your hands. You must find that fire within, that desire to thrive as the perfectly imperfect person that you were created to be.

Do what must be done to feed your spirit, to keep the fire burning… and I will do the same for me.

Just like that, a new layer is shed. We can have a conversation about how I have overstepped my bounds with an attempt to make amends and a ceremonious return of the power to its rightful owner. What’s left is the graceful messiness of finding a new way to be with those lovingly supported and beautifully empowered young people… whom I love with all my heart.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Danuta W.

1:14AM PST on Jan 18, 2012

Thanks for sharing.

send a green star

KS G.

2:01AM PDT on Oct 15, 2011

Thanks for the article.

jane r.

9:04AM PDT on Jul 10, 2011

Thank you

Tanya G.

2:11AM PDT on May 30, 2011

Thank you for writing this, Christy. Took note of your website & will go through it.

Gloria M.

1:58AM PDT on May 22, 2011

Bravo to you, Mom!!

Lika S.

1:57AM PDT on May 17, 2011

Oh, geez! This explains MY mother to a T! Yet if I were to show this to her, she'd say that I'm being ridiculous or something.

She is a total manipulator, and it's irritating. Always using passive aggressive ways, and nagging hard is one of her aggressive moves, just to be in denial that she MIGHT be wrong...

I wish she would take responsibility like this. She STILL acts like this, and I haven't lived with her in over a decade, married twice, had 2 children (lost one late in the pregnancy), work hard, and she still acts as if she's the almighty one, when she has depression that she refuses to go get psychiatric help for.

Brigid C.

8:04AM PDT on May 16, 2011

thanks

Petra L.

9:33PM PDT on May 14, 2011

More parents need to make this realization and accept responsibility for it.

Edd M.

8:29AM PDT on May 13, 2011

'Tis sad, as you say... But what a wonderful way to share your own insights with others who don't have any idea of how what they are doing may also adversely affect their associated lives.

Her admission of ownership in her faulty thinking frees readers to more readily admit to themselves that they have company in their erroneous ways. Perhaps giving words to what may have been only feelings with wings flittering around in their own minds. The first stage of problem solving is often the recognition that there indeed is one, and here she shares and offers encouragement and guidance to fellow travellers on her road.

I applaud her generous spirit in sharing her self-critique. Hopefully she will have legions of imitators, as such giving makes our world a better place.

Regards, ~ed

TQ M.

8:15AM PDT on May 12, 2011

Oh my mother-in-law so needs to read this! She butts into everything and always has to get her way. Always pushing for what she wants for us, whether it's things that we own or what we do with our lives. And you can't say no or try to get her out of your business because she throws a fit and starts acting like a child with the whole "I won't talk or interact with you" until we finally come around. It's driving me nutty and making me reconsider having children just because I don't want her butting into everything when it comes to them.

Your children are lucky to have a mother who is able to really look at herself and take a step back. If I do end up having children this is the one thing I will remember no matter what.