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Why I Cheated On My Husband: One Woman’s Confession

Why I Cheated On My Husband: One Woman’s Confession

The four reasons I unearthed and what they taught me about love.

“How could you have done this to me, to us? Who are you and who did I marry?” With tears in his eyes, my ex-husband shouted and screamed these questions at me on the day he found out that I’d had an affair. All the while, I stood their shaking, in shock, not knowing what to say that would make what I had done right. I was a cheater.

Looking back, I realize that nothing in that moment would have given him the solace and comfort that he was looking for — or that I was looking for. His care and love had been transformed into disdain and hate for the monster I had become to him.

The question that came up repeatedly after our marriage dissolved was “Why?” Why did I cheat on him? Why would I do such a thing to a man who was caring, funny and generous? It wasn’t like he beat me up or anything like that.

If you are reading this and judging me, you are within your rights. No one judged me more harshly than I did, and even now, although it all turned out for the best, I wouldn’t go down that road again — even though I can completely understand why any women would.

According to the UK Adultery Survey 2012 by undercoverlovers.com, cheating women are more likely to stray as they are seeking emotional fulfillment, an improvement to their self-esteem and romance. When women cheat will depend on how fulfilled they feel in their marriages. But according to the survey, wives who cheat will do so five years into their marriages whereas men will do so seven years in.

After much soul-searching, I finally got to understand what drove me to cheat and why I had stepped into the shoes of cheating women:

1. My mindset. I was still living in the illusive notion that happiness was something that I could acquire from an external source, so I bought into a fantasy. It’s a fantasy that I see a lot of my clients buy into, which is that there is a fairy tale, one-sided man that exists to bring happiness to them. This is just not true.

Back then, I bought into the notion that because I wasn’t happy that someone else could dish happiness up on a silver platter. As my ex husband was not able to, someone else could surely, right? This of course wasn’t true and to this day, still isn’t. In fact, the whole ordeal stressed me out and exposed me to more confusion and unhappiness.

  • Lesson learned: Being part of the cheating women club, I understand now that running away from myself was not the answer and that I am responsible for my own happiness and fulfilment. My happiness is, under no circumstances, anybody else’s responsibility — least of all whoever I am in a relationship with.

2. The guilt factor. I honestly believed I was a bad person for thinking that I no longer fancied my ex husband, so as not to hurt him I kept quiet. I couldn’t find the words to tell him that I no longer found him sexually attractive. I was scared that he would finally find out that I was that “bad person” I judged myself to be. Instead of being able to confront him with my feelings and thoughts that “only bad people” would have, I proved my own beliefs of being that “bad person” anyway hoping he wouldn’t find out.

In this pattern of thinking, there was a belief that I was not worthy of someone to love me, as much as my ex husband did.

  • Lesson learned: What I now realize is that our beliefs about how we see ourselves can lead us to do some crazy things. Why women cheat certainly has become more apparent to me especially if belief systems are involved, as they can be powerful catalysts for behavior. By working on myself, I was able to finally overcome this pattern and now find myself in a loving relationship.

3. Lack of maturity and knowledge. Looking back, I realize now that I didn’t have the maturity or the tools of how to live with the problems that my ex-husband and I were encountering at the time. We would argue, get upset and as a result, our communication broke down and so did our intimacy. I didn’t know how to manage the dynamic nor manage my thoughts around them either. Any time we argued, I honestly believed that he didn’t love me. So, I acted out to get my own back.

  • Lesson learned: It’s important to keep the communication channels open because once you sense that they aren’t, intimacy can easily slide away from you quickly. Before you know it you are yearning for it deeply. I have often heard that wives who cheat did so because of this communication break down, which leads to their frustration of not feeling heard or understood. It’s also important to learn about relationships with courses or even coaching.

4. The passion died. At the time, I remember feeling that the passion had died in our relationship. I wanted to feel that my ex husband longed for me, that he wanted me and that he would woo me. Our relationship fell into a day to day routine, taking all the excitement out of it and the passion died. I wanted to break free from this and thought that the best way was to do it through a selfish act.

  • Lesson learned: I now realize that looking for passion out side of the relationship was only ever going to be short lived, which in this case it was. Working on what we had — which was a lot — would have probably been the best option.

All of these reasons may sound like excuses and you know what? It was a selfish act. I will be the first to admit it. I could have chosen not to do what I did, but if I put myself in the shoes of that young girl, at that time, I really felt that this was the solution.

My overall feeling is that if you are a woman who is contemplating becoming part of the women cheating club or a woman who has cheated, then I would ask you to contemplate what it is that is getting you to think about it and what it was that launched you into action.

I have read a lot around the subject and many articles talk about how the woman wasn’t happy in the relationship, however I would say that happiness comes from within. You cannot leave that up to anyone else. I don’t regret what I did; as a result of the divorce, my ex gave me the biggest gift you can give anyone — I finally got to find my happiness from within.

To stay connected to Marina and download your *FREE* chapters of Goodbye Mr Ex so that you get off the emotional rollercoaster ride and instead free yourself of the pain.

By Marina Pearson for YourTango.com.

More Juicy Content From YourTango:
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Related:
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Read more: Dating, Love, Relationships, Sex,

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609 comments

+ add your own
2:31AM PDT on Apr 19, 2014

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10:23PM PDT on Apr 18, 2014

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10:21PM PDT on Apr 18, 2014

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9:52PM PDT on Apr 17, 2014

Care2, what is up with all this ADSPAM? What's the point of having comment threads if you just allow it to fill up with useless crap like "ty" and advertising spam? Even the "article" is nothing but an advertisement!

7:09PM PDT on Apr 16, 2014

Just a free 20 points since this is the most useless article on Care2. Never did that before, but this deserves to be deleted, so if they won't do it, may as well take advantage of it. What a waste of electrons.

6:06PM PDT on Apr 16, 2014

Huh. This "article" is really advertising that pretends to be an article. And as far as cheaters go, they are dishonorable liars. If you're tempted to cheat on your spouse, have the decency to get divorced first. That way you won't be cheating on anyone - unless your new lover is also a cheater.

5:55PM PDT on Apr 16, 2014

@Dale O.--
I don't know that I would categorize it as "things worked out." Things were going to work out one way or another, for bad or good, so that doesn't mean anything. Did it work out for the best? Depends on the point of perspective, I guess. It doesn't appear there were children, but if there were, they may not think so. It doesn't appear the husband thought so. One could rationalize that it did, but one could also make a case from the author's own arguments that had she known then what she knows now, things could have been handled better. The truth is that in these situations, it is impossible to say, because all there is for the road not traveled is speculation. Maybe it would have turned out better had she not cheated and stayed with her husband, working on the relationship and strengthening it. But nobody can say for sure, not even the participants. If this were an abusive relationship where one or both spouses were abusive toward the other, then ending the toxic relationship is probably for the best, but that wasn't the case here.

About the article:
The author presents a mature outlook about her transgression, making a number of good points. However, it struck me as self-serving, and I didn't care at all for the spam links to the Tango site, which don't lead to any particular article of substance, but to a category that brings up whatever latest articles they have there on that topic. Not only is the latter overly promotional, it constitutes shoddy journalism

5:29PM PDT on Apr 16, 2014

Bill R, have you seen this thread, a perfect place for right wing morality arguments on the topic at hand, can you guide these people?

Spammers flagged...again!

2:33AM PDT on Apr 16, 2014

Okay, the experiment worked to some extent, so I guess there is an actual word count, but I have no idea as to what it is.

Continuing on in my comments after this got cut off earlier.

"If you are reading this and judging me, you are within your rights. No one judged me more harshly than I did, and even now, although it all turned out for the best, I wouldn’t go down that road again — even though I can completely understand why any women would."

I suppose some will judge, but it is a curiosity to say the least why one would have an affair if one had a partner that had the qualities that you mentioned. The fact that things turned out and you will no longer go down the cheating road is interesting in and of itself.

2:32AM PDT on Apr 16, 2014

"According to the UK Adultery Survey 2012 by undercoverlovers.com, cheating women are more likely to stray as they are seeking emotional fulfillment, an improvement to their self-esteem and romance.

When women cheat will depend on how fulfilled they feel in their marriages. But according to the survey, wives who cheat will do so five years into their marriages whereas men will do so seven years in."

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

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