Why I Cheated On My Husband: One Woman’s Confession

By Marina Pearson for YourTango.com.

The four reasons I unearthed and what they taught me about love.

“How could you have done this to me, to us? Who are you and who did I marry?” With tears in his eyes, my ex-husband shouted and screamed these questions at me on the day he found out that I’d had an affair. All the while, I stood their shaking, in shock, not knowing what to say that would make what I had done right. I was a cheater.

More from YourTango: Is Online Dating Cheating?

Looking back, I realize that nothing in that moment would have given him the solace and comfort that he was looking for or that I was looking for. His care and love had been transformed into disdain and hate for the monster I had become to him.

The question that came up repeatedly after our marriage dissolved was “Why?” Why did I cheat on him? Why would I do such a thing to a man who was caring, funny and generous? It wasn’t like he beat me up or anything like that.

If you are reading this and judging me, you are within your rights. No one judged me more harshly than I did, and even now, although it all turned out for the best, I wouldn’t go down that road again even though I can completely understand why any women would.

According to the UK Adultery Survey 2012 by undercoverlovers.com, cheating women are more likely to stray as they are seeking emotional fulfillment, an improvement to their self-esteem and romance. When women cheat will depend on how fulfilled they feel in their marriages. But according to the survey, wives who cheat will do so five years into their marriages whereas men will do so seven years in.

After much soul-searching, I finally got to understand what drove me to cheat and why I had stepped into the shoes of cheating women:

1. My mindset. I was still living in the illusive notion that happiness was something that I could acquire from an external source, so I bought into a fantasy. It’s a fantasy that I see a lot of my clients buy into, which is that there is a fairy tale, one-sided man that exists to bring happiness to them. This is just not true.

Back then, I bought into the notion that because I wasn’t happy that someone else could dish happiness up on a silver platter. As my ex husband was not able to, someone else could surely, right? This of course wasn’t true and to this day, still isn’t. In fact, the whole ordeal stressed me out and exposed me to more confusion and unhappiness.

  • Lesson learned: Being part of the cheating women club, I understand now that running away from myself was not the answer and that I am responsible for my own happiness and fulfilment. My happiness is, under no circumstances, anybody else’s responsibility least of all whoever I am in a relationship with.

More from YourTango: Understanding Infidelity: Why We Cheat

2. The guilt factor. I honestly believed I was a bad person for thinking that I no longer fancied my ex husband, so as not to hurt him I kept quiet. I couldn’t find the words to tell him that I no longer found him sexually attractive. I was scared that he would finally find out that I was that “bad person” I judged myself to be. Instead of being able to confront him with my feelings and thoughts that “only bad people” would have, I proved my own beliefs of being that “bad person” anyway hoping he wouldn’t find out.

In this pattern of thinking, there was a belief that I was not worthy of someone to love me, as much as my ex husband did.

  • Lesson learned: What I now realize is that our beliefs about how we see ourselves can lead us to do some crazy things. Why women cheat certainly has become more apparent to me especially if belief systems are involved, as they can be powerful catalysts for behavior. By working on myself, I was able to finally overcome this pattern and now find myself in a loving relationship.

3. Lack of maturity and knowledge. Looking back, I realize now that I didn’t have the maturity or the tools of how to live with the problems that my ex-husband and I were encountering at the time. We would argue, get upset and as a result, our communication broke down and so did our intimacy. I didn’t know how to manage the dynamic nor manage my thoughts around them either. Any time we argued, I honestly believed that he didn’t love me. So, I acted out to get my own back.

  • Lesson learned: It’s important to keep the communication channels open because once you sense that they aren’t, intimacy can easily slide away from you quickly. Before you know it you are yearning for it deeply. I have often heard that wives who cheat did so because of this communication break down, which leads to their frustration of not feeling heard or understood. It’s also important to learn about relationships with courses or even coaching.

More from YourTango: 10 Signs That He Is Cheating

4. The passion died. At the time, I remember feeling that the passion had died in our relationship. I wanted to feel that my ex husband longed for me, that he wanted me and that he would woo me. Our relationship fell into a day to day routine, taking all the excitement out of it and the passion died. I wanted to break free from this and thought that the best way was to do it through a selfish act.

  • Lesson learned: I now realize that looking for passion out side of the relationship was only ever going to be short lived, which in this case it was. Working on what we had which was a lot would have probably been the best option.

All of these reasons may sound like excuses and you know what? It was a selfish act. I will be the first to admit it. I could have chosen not to do what I did, but if I put myself in the shoes of that young girl, at that time, I really felt that this was the solution.

My overall feeling is that if you are a woman who is contemplating becoming part of the women cheating club or a woman who has cheated, then I would ask you to contemplate what it is that is getting you to think about it and what it was that launched you into action.

I have read a lot around the subject and many articles talk about how the woman wasn’t happy in the relationship, however I would say that happiness comes from within. You cannot leave that up to anyone else. I don’t regret what I did; as a result of the divorce, my ex gave me the biggest gift you can give anyone I finally got to find my happiness from within.

To stay connected to Marina and download your *FREE* chapters of Goodbye Mr Ex so that you get off the emotional rollercoaster ride and instead free yourself of the pain.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Confession: Why I Cheated On My Husband.

1850 comments

Monica B.
Monica B.7 days ago

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Lacy B
Lacy B21 days ago

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Lacy B
Lacy B22 days ago

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Lacy B
Lacy B22 days ago

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Laura H.
Laura H.23 days ago

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Tonya S26 days ago

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Tonya S
Tonya S26 days ago

Hello friends my name is Tonya Smith i live in USA,Am over whelmed of what DR. OCUSODO. did for me he brought back my love who left for 1 year ago without notice, i have been looking for how to get this boy back to my life because i love this boy with the whole of my heart, i could not replace him with any body,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to him and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost love, then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my love back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my love will surely be back to my arms within 24hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 1 year ago come back within 24 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 24hours i heard a call from unknown number so i decided to pick the call the next thing i could hear was my loves voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason, that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came to my house and still pleading fo

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Lacy B
Lacy B27 days ago

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Lacy B
Lacy B27 days ago

I am very happy today with my family. i base in Canada, My husband left me for a good 1 years now, and i love him so much, i have been looking for a way to get him back since then. i have tried many options but he did not come back, until i met a friend that directed me to Dr.tokubo a spell caster, who helped me to bring back my husband within 24 hours. Me and my husband are living happily together today, That man is great, you can contact him via email address at: highpriesttokubo@gmail.com Now i will advice any serious persons that found themselves in this kind of problem to contact him now a fast solution without stress.. He is always a hero, now i call him my father.contact him now he is always online to attend to you.His email (highpriesttokubo@gmail.com) or add him on

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Lacy B
Lacy B27 days ago

I am very happy today with my family. i base in Canada, My husband left me for a good 1 years now, and i love him so much, i have been looking for a way to get him back since then. i have tried many options but he did not come back, until i met a friend that directed me to Dr.tokubo a spell caster, who helped me to bring back my husband within 24 hours. Me and my husband are living happily together today, That man is great, you can contact him via email address at: highpriesttokubo@gmail.com Now i will advice any serious persons that found themselves in this kind of problem to contact him now a fast solution without stress.. He is always a hero, now i call him my father.contact him now he is always online to attend to you.His email (highpriesttokubo@gmail.com) or add him on

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