http://www.care2.com/greenliving/daditude-adjustment.html
Daditude Adjustment
I am not a frequent reader of USA Today, one of the more widely consumed newspapers in the country as it is commonly found at the foot of hotel room doors. Regardless, someone had sent along a link to, what was, a surprisingly insightful story by USA Today writer Sharon Jayson about the contemporary state of fatherhood titled “New Daditude.”
This idea of “daditude” or dad pride is relatively new to the parenting scene, but has secured a lot of attention, and not just because of the novelty factor, although novelty and humor play a large part in the new daddy identity. As writer Jeremy Adam Smith, author of The Daddy Shift describes the new daddy consciousness and expression, “Many of these dads write about their experiences with humor,” which Smith calls “the male response to being uncomfortable.” In some respects, because fathers have been viewed largely as support and/or relief for beleaguered moms who ostensibly run the show, the general conception is that the bar has been set so low, they could only impress. It is implied in the USA Today article, that because there exists no road map for paternal nurturing and involvement (evidently hands-on fatherhood is a 21st-century invention) that fathers are freed up from having to compete with one another (presumably like mothers do) and therefore take on a more playful and free-spirited approach. These notions, however, are almost entirely cynical as is evidenced by the numerous daddy-centric blogs, books, and buzz coursing through contemporary media that are attempting to, not only raise expectations, but also raise consciousness on the whole.
As an involved father, I approach much of this excitement with reserved bemusement. I am certainly pleased to see a great deal of discussion around the idea of fatherhood in contemporary society, but wonder if by rushing to label it, and reveal how diametrically opposed it is to motherhood, aren’t we cheapening the prospects of truly raising the bar on what it means, not only to be a father, but to be a parent? Maybe this is a good time to reveal, not the differences in parental roles, but the similarity and equality among parenting approaches.
Feel free to chime in, fathers, mothers, or concerned parties.
Eric Steinman is a freelance writer based in Rhinebeck, N.Y. He regularly writes about food, music, art, architecture and culture and is a regular contributor to Bon Appétit among other publications.
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11 comments
add your comment »How about the single fathers and their experiences? Yes society is "cheapening the prospects" of raising the bar on what it means to be a father if it's generalizing fatherhood to be almost like playful babysitter.
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Norma,
Your son-in-law sounds like a gem. Kudos to him and you can tell him I said so. :
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I think it is great! More dads need to be involved with there children. I am a preschool teacher and find that more moms come. But it is getting better more dads are paticipating. I see more single fathers now! I think it is great, we use to have the haredest time getting fathers to be involved now they volunteer more willingly. I think it use to be the moms do alol this and dads go to work. dads are finding it more acceptable to do more for there kids!
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Involved dads are nothing new, and some of us - custodial single fathers - have been a lot more involved than what's discussed in the article. My son was in kindergarten when his mother abandoned her child and husband. With a lot of help from my mother (until her death when he was 14) I nurtured, guided and raised him to be an honors student and athlete in high school and a graduate of University of California. His mother's involved tapered off and she didn't bother with anything more than an occasional birthday or Christmas card by the time he was 8-years-old. Twenty years after I became a single parent my ex is finally trying to re-establish a relationship with our son, something he says is "too little, too late."
There are a lot of us. A neighbor has been single parenting for nearly 10 years after his then-wife became hooked on prescription pain medications. We're not heroes, we're just men who love our kids, accept all of the responsibilities of being a parent and put their needs ahead of our egos and our wants. And it's worth it!
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Hi Eric.
'You know, dads don't receive as much support from our culture for what they do, and while I agree with you that to generalize that dads joking about their role=embarrassment is cynical, maybe for some it is because a lot of people have emerged from s***y relationships with their dads so maybe some dads are more fearful than the moms of screwing up like their dads did in nurturing them.
Just a thought.
Love,
Brigit
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I think you raise a great point that, by pointing out how there are "differences" in parenting it keeps parenting from being seen as an equal share of work. Pretending that dads joke about it and moms take control suggests that dads can still take the back seat especially when it comes to the tough parts of parenting and taking care of children (i.e. getting up at 4 a.m. to warm a bottle of milk when it isn't fun and it's a lot harder to find humor in it )
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I am glad that dads are finally feeling less reservations in their parental role. I've always felt that dads got the short end of the stick on parental duties because they were basically pushed out at birth by well meaning women who didn't understand the extreme importance of good men in children's lives. Their parenting style is so different but their concerns so similar that children can't help but benefit. My husband is very hands on with our five children and I seriously doubt that I could raise these children to be successful adults without him. We help to balance each other out and our children get to see how a good relationship works. I know how hard it is to juggle everything that he has to juggle and be a fantastic father too, as he is our sole breadwinner owning his own business. He doesn't have the time alot of other dads do, but he gets higher dad ratings than alot of other dads in our neighborhood (according to all of the kids) because of his style. He is the fun one and I am the nurturing one and that has worked well for us so far, as we share discipline duties equally so neither has to be the bad guy. It works for us and as a woman who grew up with no father I appreciate every moment he spends with them. Keep it up guys, we're breaking those stereotypical molds more and more each day!
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Anything that draws good attention to Dad being hands on, liking it and finding support for being involved is wonderful! Men need as much support as they can get to learn to break old stereotypes and changing the way they are expected and want to parent.
I really appreicate the men who are learning how (or practicing) parenting without the heavy handed discipline.
My own personal experiences did not involve participating fathers. My Dad says that isn't what men did in those times.
Both my kids' Dads are not involved or even allowed to be involved with their children (court order) my first husband ran to illect activity, my 2nd tried to kill me and is jail for 20 years.
I have given up any hope of help on the parenting and partnering department.
I am supportive of good fathering, hands on, etc. We all need to support healthy parenting for all families. If you see someone struggling, offer to help; the smallest gesture can go a long way in terms of hope.
It takes a village to raise a child!
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Dang, I hope my husband is an EQUAL partner who does not need prodding or pleading to do what needs doing with kids. But judging how the division of labor is with our pets, one can only dream.
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Oh. No comments yet! A bit daunting! Anyway, my husband was taking charge more than me of raising the children, even when they were babies, and that was in the late 80's. I was not a motherly type woman, so to speak, and very busy with my work etc. so we really shared equally, and maybe, as I said, he was more of a mother to the children than me. He was better with babies and small kids, and as they grew up, I was better with older kids. So, I don't think it matters much. It's all conventions. What matters is to be a team, to get on well, to love each other, to help each other. I think it's great that more and more men are taking part, or taking charge. Here in Japan, I have seen quite a few young men preferring to be househusbands, and let their wives go to work, while they stay home and look after the family, do the cleaning, the cooking etc. So much for all those cliches about Japanese men. My husband is not Japanese, by the way. He is English. I think it's not a matter of nationality at all. A matter of generation. My Dad would never have been able to do all that probably. As for those men talking about it with humour, I guess they still feel a bit uncomfortable about admitting that they actually enjoy it. But it will come. My husband never was cynical about it. He loved it and found it normal. I guess he was ahead of his time ?
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