Two of my girlfriends and I were having dinner last week and the question about their dating life came up along with a lot of groans. Victoria bellowed, “does the dating BS ever end?” We all laughed, but then I very seriously said “Yes, of course it does.” We are all in our late 40′s and until a year ago were all single. I broke the dysfunctional dating cycle and got married. For the past year, I have been writing about my dysfunctional dating scenarios and how I finally figured out the formula to finding a life partner. Click here to read my previous articles which would be helpful in understanding all that I did during this time.
I truly meant it when I told Victoria that “yes,” ending the nauseating dating game is possible at any age. I believe it does take work and a willingness to do some serious self reflection. For me, there was no question. It was not only about wanting to spend my life with someone, but also about a personal growth journey that I knew in my heart had to be healed in this lifetime. I had to figure out what held me back from creating a healthy, intimate, relationship with a man. Not only did I have a deep desire to heal this within myself, but all of my being longed to be partnered with someone that was a fit for me and me for them. It is a magnificent experience for me to finally heal this within myself and to be with a man that brings out the best in me. As cliche as this sounds, this is exactly what the right fit does for a person.
So, to expound on Victoria’s question, the BS does end. It ends when you are ready to get real with yourself and discover why you choose the same kind of person over and over again to date. It ends when you clearly state from the onset of dating someone that you are seeking a long term partner. It ends when you stop dating people the moment you know they are not right for you. It ends when you stop making excuses for the person you are dating and their behavior. It ends when you stop pining away for someone who is not interested in you. It ends when you begin to start dating…..a lot.
What do I mean by that last one? If you are looking for someone to be in a long term relationship with, start dating…a lot! Go out there and do the 20 minute coffee date at least 2 or 3 times a week with different people. In order to find someone who is a fit for you, meeting a lot of people who are not a fit for you is part of the scenario. Sometimes people find their partners early in life. For me and some of my friends, that did not happen. As we get older, we have to date more to find that person we would like to spend our life with. Someone once told me that it is a “number’s game.” I’m not sure about that, but I do know that I dated quite a lot.
This will sound extremely unromantic, however, if you are looking for a job, would you apply for one job and then sit home waiting for that one job to call you? No! You would probably apply for 10 jobs and hope that one of them would be a fit. Think of dating as the same thing. You have to meet a lot of people in order to find someone who is a fit for you….and of course, once again I know that there are people who meet their partners right away. This is for those of you who have not met someone yet. Keep putting yourself out there and remember to be clear and honest with the person you are dating and with yourself.
Learn to gently call yourself on your own issues in order to begin eliminating it “out there.” Be honest, loving and patient.
Until next week!