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Dead Gay Kids And The Politics Of Hate

Instead of doing everything we can to make this community a safe place for kids, there are people doing their part to make it worse.

On the very same day that the homophobic underbelly of Tennessee politics was being exposed again (because of the proposed legislation), my own daughter was subjected to an anti-gay lecture delivered by one of her seventh grade teachers. Yes, you read that correctly. I said that my 12-year old daughter sat in a classroom in a public school in Tennessee in the year 2012 and listened to her teacher deliver an anti-gay message. What follows is my daughter’s account of the “lesson” that day (not to be confused with an actual transcription of what the teacher said, which I would gladly pay a hefty sum to get my hands on but have no reason to believe exists).

“She said, ‘Maybe you’ve heard about the boy in Gordonsville who killed himself over some choices he made’ Now there is no reason for anyone to be bullied whatsoever. You may not agree about the choices or what’s going on at home but there’s no reason to bully. You can maybe pull them aside and talk to them about their choices and show them how they are wrong. There is no reason for them to be bullied. They probably just believe that it is right for them to do this thing because of their home life– because their home life is bad and they believe they can do that.’

“Then she went on for like 30 minutes saying that same thing nine times and then (male classmate) raised his hand and said, ‘I had a family member who made some of those wrong choices because of their home life. They believed that their choices were right and we had to teach that person about the right choices, and that it wasn’t okay to make the wrong choices.’ Not the other kid’s parents but (male classmate) and his family had to teach that person the ‘right choices.’ Then, (the teacher) said that same thing about nine more times again and then class was almost over and so she made us start on our work.”

My daughter added that her teacher is legally prohibited from saying that the boy was bullied because he was gay but “everybody knows that he was bullied about being gay because it was on the news! So, when she said he made these ‘choices’ we all knew she was trying to say he made this choice to be gay.”

I don’t know exactly how many children are in that classroom but it’s close to 30. Yes, 30 seventh grade children sat in a classroom this week and listened to a state employee teach that being gay is not just a choice–a position that is wildly rejected by almost everyone, including the scientific and medical communities–but that it is a bad choice. She told them that being gay was about making bad choices and that while no one should ever bully, they can just talk to that person about how they need to make better choices so they won’t be bad any more.

Are you kidding me?? In the exact moment that my wife is working to raise awareness about this issue, my daughter is experiencing it. Seriously?

It was then that a couple of my wonderfully compassionate friends suggested that we had to get out of this place, and I was overwhelmed by the reality that “this place” is the America. Sure, I live in a tiny community just outside Nashville, which is in the state of Tennessee, but this is America. We live in a small town in the United States of America. If this place is allowed to continue to consider (let alone pass) legislation like this, then no place in our country is safe.

We have the obvious political and civil challenges of these policies but it’s all being driven by the beliefs of those like this teacher. And there are many other well-meaning citizens who believe that change is coming, that those who believe gay people aren’t equal are extremists and powerless but I want you to know– No, I need you to understand that they are teaching our children. They are currently holding political office. They are crafting, lobbying for, and voting for policies and legislation that do everything from denying marriage equality to protecting children who bully because their faith compels them to. They are “educating” the public through their organizations and websites.

The list of the others–the “they” who are allowing their fear and hatred to erode our National integrity–goes on and on, but the truth is that this radical lesbian-headed household doesn’t even believe in “they.” We teach our children about how everyone is equal, even those who think we are not. We believe that human difference is real, that it’s important, and that diversity, inclusivity, and integrity are what make us strong–as individuals, families, communities, states, counties, and as a planet.

We live by one guiding principle: Be nice or leave.

That means we don’t make life harder for other people (rinse your dishes before they go in the dishwasher and dispose of your waste responsibly). It means do your best so the collective “we” can be at our best. We tread lightly on the planet. We disagree respectfully because we certainly won’t always agree, but we can always do it respectfully and intelligently.

Oh, and we ask for what we need because we understand that it’s codependent and manipulative (prime examples of the “not nice” that can result in being invited to leave) to expect others to know what you need and desire. It is in that spirit that I offer you the following insight into what young gay people need:

~~~~~~~~~~

I once almost drove my minivan into a concrete barrier on the interstate. I was alone. My children were at home with my husband, and I was frantic and desperate, anxious and miserable. I needed out–out of my body which felt foreign to me as I walked through a heterosexual life that was wholly incompatible with my truth. I almost did it because I so desperately needed to be free to be me. While years of therapy and recovery made me healthy, they could not make me straight. My healing journey brought me back to myself but made me absolutely incompatible with my husband. I was finally a whole person on the inside but the outside was totally wrong for me, and the tension between the two was killing me. I lost a great deal when I came out–some of those losses unspeakably painful–but there is no loss so great, so devastating, as the loss of our true self.

In that moment just before the concrete wall, I accepted that being gay is part of who I am. When I accepted myself, it gave me the strength to move my outside life into alignment with my inside life. It gave me the ability to live in my integrity. Was that transition into my truth an easy one? No. Absolutely not. There was a great deal of pain for people who were and are very important to me. But the roots of that pain weren’t planted in that moment where I chose life over death. Coming out didn’t cause all of that pain. The roots were all the way back in my childhood, in puberty, in middle school when I was a lesbian but wasn’t able to recognize and accept that about myself.

Honestly, I had no idea I was gay. There were no gay people on tv. I don’t remember knowing any gay people. Nobody told me people could be gay, or that it was something I should at least pause to consider before roaring off into the heterosexual sunset. There were no signs. I had no idea.

Gay people need to have the opportunity to discover and accept their sexual orientation in the exact same way that straight kids discover and accept theirs. We need to create an environment for them that is safe and respectful and empowering because being gay is already there, the switch is already flipped, and if they aren’t given the opportunity to recognize it, they will suffer. The people with whom they have relationships will suffer. Their children will suffer because being gay doesn’t simply leave because you proceed with a heterosexual life.

If these kids are able to figure out that they are gay but are unable to accept it because their parents, friends, teachers, preachers, politicians, entertainers, etc. teach them that what they’ve discovered is wrong, is broken or bad, and that it can be wished away or prayed away or compelled away– they will suffer. The hell of being that disconnected from our own truth is disabling enough, the pain and confusion profound enough, to make even a child of God think that death has to be better than this.

We have to be the voice of reason for one another, for everyone, regardless of our differences.

We must stop pretending that being gay isn’t real, so that people can learn how to live healthy, happy, productive lives. We don’t need a whole gay world replica of the straight world. We need gay kids to see that love is love, no matter who you are. We need them to see that their relationships count just like straight people’s. We don’t need to do something special so gay people can have a special way to adopt kids. We just need the regular adoption system to treat gay people the same as straight people. We don’t need special gay schools. We need gay kids to be treated like equals in the schools we have. We don’t need a special gay marriage, just open up marriage to everyone.

Acceptance is love, and love heals. We don’t have to be afraid of that which is unknown. It is safe to open our hearts and our minds, and if it can save even one kid’s life, isn’t it worth it?

We are all the same. We are all on this planet together, as equals. Instead of building gay people a special gay world were they can be safe and respected and loved– and normal, let’s create space in our hearts for that and the world we have right now can be big enough for us all.

Updates:
*We’ve been told that Jim Tracy, the sponsor of HB1153, has withdrawn the bill and replaced it with something less blatantly unacceptable (not to be confused with acceptable). We will continue to update our blog as more information is available.

*I’ve been in touch with the leadership at my children’s middle school and also had a brief conversation today with my daughter’s teacher. She was mortified to learn that my daughter took this away from her conversation with the class. We have begun to peel away the layers of this particular situation, recognizing that at least some parts were misunderstood. I’m meeting with her and the principal next week to continue our conversation. I am grateful for their willingness to discuss this issue and to work together to cultivate a safe and accepting environment for all of our children. It is my hope that everyone will consider having similar conversations in their community.

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Christy Diane Farr

Christy Diane Farr is a catalyst. If that sounds like something you want more of in your life, visit 'The Greenhouse' at SeedsAndWeedsCoaching.com and join the Wildflower Evolution on Facebook.

136 comments

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12:05PM PST on Feb 20, 2012

I write about this often. Until we have a level of acceptance and tolerance, society will continue to pay the ultimate price for misguided religious theology and the practice of hate. As if teen suicide is not enough, the cost of this hate is staggering. ALL Gay people grow up feeling hated and condemned by many, is it little wonder they suffer a substantially higher rates of addiction and alcohol abuse and mental issues due to self esteem issue. Before the most loving family learns their once happy, loving child is gay, that child is dead, deeply addicted or otherwise unnecessarily impaired and suffered along for many years. Gays must continue to work with the straight community to find support where it exists, to provide safe places for glbt youth and legislative support.

7:17PM PST on Feb 17, 2012

I read about this in The Rolling Stone, and I cried. The fact that this happens makes me sick.

7:39AM PST on Feb 15, 2012

Bullying makes me so mad!!! I just want to make the bully stand over the kid who commited suicide casket and force them to realize what they did to him or her. Gay or straight. It doesn't matter. A life is a life and now, another one is gone forever.

1:27PM PST on Feb 13, 2012

that's horrible!

8:28AM PST on Feb 2, 2012

I feel sick. I couldn't even read that whole letter. :/ As someone, who was bullied nearly to the point of suicide for other reasons, I feel sickened by the idea that people think any form of bullying is justifiable. Even back when I was trying to be the perfect little Catholic girl, growing up in my Catholic school, I couldn't even stand when people used the word "gay" for the word "bad". But the things that I know happen now... and so frequently, I don't even know what to think. It's not hard to imagine why these kids feel everything is hopeless. I just wish we could change it.

1:16AM PST on Feb 2, 2012

"We teach our children about how everyone is equal, even those who think we are not. We believe that human difference is real, that it’s important, and that diversity, inclusivity, and integrity are what make us strong–as individuals, families, communities, states, counties, and as a planet." AMEN. Thanks for your very thoughtful writing, Christy. EXTREMELY important. Needs to be said.

2:25PM PST on Jan 31, 2012

Christy, thank you for taking the time to share this story. It is shocking to hear that this type of bigotry still exists, especially in the 'land of the free'. Your story is very powerful and I hope that it reaches many, many ears and eyes!! You do not have to worry about 'playing nice', because that is just about playing and you have work to do!!!! You are a warrior whether you know it or not and all you have to do is write the truth!

7:09PM PST on Jan 30, 2012

This so horrible. It's hard to comprehend and make a comment that makes sense.

7:52AM PST on Jan 30, 2012

I read this post a couple days ago when it was put up and have been trying to process it and find something coherent to say, but I can't. It's just too horrible to realize that there are people who hold these kinds of hateful views in public office. I know in some parts of the US these views are not uncommon, but to think that a publicly elected representative of any portion of the population, someone who has a hand in making laws...it's just too upsetting...In what universe does homosexuality belong on the same list as pedophilia and murder? For that matter why is prostitution sandwiched in between those two? What does HIV have to do with school children getting bullied? There is just so much wrong with John Ragan's response that I don't know where to begin. It makes my stomach do angry, distressed little flip-flops. Part of me wants to tell you guys to get out of there, go to California or New York, somewhere friendly where things are better. But on the other hand you can't run away from bullies or nothing will change. I think it's great that you're talking to your daughter's teacher and the principle. It's actions like that that _will_ make things better, even if it takes awhile.

I'm going to link to this post on my Facebook as a reminder to people to pay attention to what their government representatives are doing.

12:41AM PST on Jan 30, 2012

To induce somebody to commit suicide is much worse than to murder him.

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