Many couples never find their way out of this desire conundrum and miss the simple yet essential step that makes desire truly authentic. Perhaps the most critical aspect of wanting something is having the guts to choose it. Making deliberate choices are the building blocks of self -creation. The act requires giving up all the other possibilities and committing to a direction. Many relationships struggle and wither because one or both partners hadn’t been able to choose. When I think of the metamorphosis in my own marriage, choosing was the pivotal moment.
Desire that comes from conscious choice is potent. It carries the potential of real forgiveness, which allows the present to be different from the past. Passionate desire cannot be forced or manipulated, it is a by-product of free choice. This was the doorway to healing in my own relationship. Coming back to my desire without the fears and shame that had long been associated with it was one of the most liberating and courageous choices I have ever made. We get better at desire as we age and do the work that comes with learning to want.