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Insuring Desire

Many couples never find their way out of this desire conundrum and miss the simple yet essential step that makes desire truly authentic.  Perhaps the most critical aspect of wanting something is having the guts to choose it.  Making deliberate choices are the building blocks of self -creation.  The act requires giving up all the other possibilities and committing to a direction. Many relationships struggle and wither because one or both partners hadn’t been able to choose.  When I think of the metamorphosis in my own marriage, choosing was the pivotal moment.

Desire that comes from conscious choice is potent. It carries the potential of real forgiveness, which allows the present to be different from the past. Passionate desire cannot be forced or manipulated, it is a by-product of free choice. This was the doorway to healing in my own relationship.  Coming back to my desire without the fears and shame that had long been associated with it was one of the most liberating and courageous choices I have ever made. We get better at desire as we age and do the work that comes with learning to want.

Related:
Insuring Your Love
Love Redeems

 

 

Read more: Love, Making Love Sustainable, Relationships, Sex, Spirit

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

28 comments

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6:04AM PDT on Mar 15, 2012

love is more than just sex drive. true it can come out of it, but do not confuse sex desire and love desire. there is a huge diference. sure, sex desire can have a profound effect on love desire and vice versa, but they are different. sex desire is physical, love desire is emotional/mental. insuring sex desire doesnt mean insuring love desire.

7:16PM PST on Mar 9, 2012

The title of this article is Insuring Desire and there is no way to do that. All problems with relationships seem to have sexual desire at the root. And when you think about it, what else is there? Why do men and women couple in the first place? When I was in my twenties I didn't like sex, I associated it with pain, and I didn't care about being desired either because I WAS desired. I was "wanted" but I didn't want to be "wanted" then. Only after I wasn't wanted anymore did I suddenly desire to be wanted. Does that make sense? I settled for men who were in love with me (I guess) but I wasn't in love with them (and I didn't know any better) and therefore I never knew what good sex was. After my divorce I met a hot young dude and fell madly in love and discovered sexual excitement for the first time in my life. If was all about MY desire for him, I got to "choose" for the first time in my life, I wasn't "chosen". The crash of losing my heart's desire was the most devastating thing I ever experienced. But I agree that sexual desire is the root cause of relationship problems and cause a lot of unhappiness. Sex is healing and if there is no sex then the people are just friends and companions.

11:56AM PST on Mar 9, 2012


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3:11PM PST on Mar 8, 2012

Desire problems in my relationships (other than short-term health and stress things) have always been related to deeper relationship issues that have gone away when they are faced and worked out.

4:54PM PST on Feb 6, 2012

This is half true for me... I think some people need to claim their desire and others need to stop pushing false desire and own up to their honest needs and feelings.

1:24AM PST on Dec 26, 2011

Thanks for the article.

5:48PM PDT on Aug 30, 2011

Clementine, sex drive is the ONLY reason men and women get
together in the first place. Sexual desire in turn causes love
and the reason that drive is born into us is procreation, survival of the species. The hormones that cause the sex drive diminish with age and have to be replaced if people want to
maintain it. And you have to be with the right person as well.

1:56PM PDT on Aug 30, 2011

ty

12:05PM PDT on Aug 30, 2011

thanks

12:02AM PDT on Aug 30, 2011

I always thought that if you truly love somebody, you will let go of him/her, otherwise you love yourself more than him/her. I always thought that there still need to certain extend a fair amount of selfishness and possessiveness in order to longing for someone for such a long time. Its easier to let go then to hold on to something as there is no responsibility that guarantees you can treat him/her better than without you.

Anyway, I think perhaps at the beginning, sex drive can maintain the relationship for a while, after people got old, there is less a market to remarry if divorced, hence it is better to stay together, also we prefer our children not to have single parents, hence reasons to hold on to a relationship, and if we can understand the consequences, we might treat our relationship with more respect, as after all, we are in a long haul, might as well make our lives easier along the way ....

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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