Embracing Duality

Think about a specific person whom you find very attractive. On the left side of a piece of paper list ten or more desirable qualities that person possesses. List anything that comes to mind. Write quickly. The secret is not to allow your conscious mind time to edit your thoughts.

Why do you like this person? Why do you find him or her attractive? What do you most admire? Is that person loving, kind, flexible, independent? Do you admire that he or she drives a nice car, has a flattering hairstyle, or lives in a desirable house?

Now switch gears and bring into your awareness somebody whom you find repulsive, some one who irritates you, annoys you, aggravates you, or makes you uncomfortable in some way. Start to define those specific qualities that you find unattractive.

On the right side of the paper, list ten or more of these undesirable qualities. Why don’t you like that person? Why are you infuriated or annoyed by that person?

When you have completed both lists, think again about the person you find attractive and identify at least three unattractive traits in that person. Don’t fight it – nobody’s perfect. The more you can accept this in others, the more readily you’ll be able to accept it in yourself. Then think about the person you found unattractive and identify three traits that are relatively appealing.

Read over each one and circle every quality that you own yourself. Identify the top three that describe you most strongly. Turn the paper over and write down those three words. Then go back and from the words that you checked identify the top three that define you the very least.

Write those three words on the back of the paper under the three words that apply to you the most. Read those six words out loud. You are all of these qualities and traits.

Once you can see yourself in others, it will become much easier to connect with them, and through that connection to discover unity consciousness. Such is the power of the mirror of relationship.

Adapted from The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press).

Read more: Deepak Chopra's Tips, Spirit, qualities, traits

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Miranda R.

1:15AM PST on Feb 8, 2010

I was having trouble with a particular person in my life, and others around me were finding the same person irritating in the same way. I think some people just possess more negative qualities than others, but I still realize everyone is doing the best they can and forgive them. Still doesn't mean I have to be around them all the time if I can help it, but sometimes there is very little choice in the matter like with a close relative or co-worker, so it's important to practice patience, tolerance, forgiveness, etc. That starts with understanding the mirror concept, so thanks for this!

send a green star

Jane H.

2:50PM PST on Jan 27, 2010

I like the phrase: If you can spot it, you got it!

Nikola P.

3:01PM PST on Jan 26, 2010

Thank you, interesting

Carolyn D.

1:57PM PST on Jan 19, 2010

Whenever we see negative things in others its an opportunity for us to work on what they are mirroring from us. So too must we feel joy in the positive things that we see in each other because it will already be a quality we have in ourselves.

Solly C.

11:32PM PST on Jan 18, 2010

Delighful! ... as if consciously tricking onsself and just as consciously accepting it as a benefit providing both immediate and repeat benefit.

Young man, you're not quite as dumb as I look.

Ann W.

6:31PM PST on Jan 18, 2010

Yes, but the people who "bring sunshine" wherever they go. It's harder to see the bad (selfishness, egotism) in them. We learn to act like them, in order to be left alone.

Gaby M.

9:58AM PST on Jan 15, 2010

Maybe worth a try. If only for the fun of it...but there might be a lot more to discover...

Amitav D.

3:50AM PST on Jan 15, 2010

Very interesting... Years ago I came up with something similar to help a good friend who was having trouble with co-workers she could not stand. I asked her to start by describing at least one good thing about various people at work I knew she liked (including herself), and then progressed to those ones she didn't like. She found that even those she didn't like and who had treated her badly had good things about them.

I then had her say one unpleasant thing about those same people (the ones she liked and didn't, and herself). It softened her view of the ones she was having problems with, allowed her to not react negatively, and helped prevent the automatic feeling of being wronged. In turn it changed their own response to her; but even when it didn't, she no longer saw them as wholly a bad person, but a mix of good and bad, just as all of us are.

In the end, the exercise was about patience, acceptance, and understanding, which provides perspective and a chance to see and embrace solutions to anger and conflict, both internal and external.

Maria H.

10:09PM PST on Jan 14, 2010

What a great exercise. Thanks very much!

Aviva C.

5:20PM PST on Jan 14, 2010

sometimes when I'm with my best friend i feel kind of belittled and boring just becuase of how amazing she is! it's kind of tough becuase she never means for me to feel that way, i just bring it on myself by comparing how awesome and wonderful she is to how i think that i am in comparison. Now i know that i share qualities with her. when i am with her i can now see myself in the qualities that i admire so much in her. this is wonderful i am so happy! thank you :)