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Embracing Sexual Fantasies

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Embracing Sexual Fantasies

The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge. -Albert Einstein

The sexiest part of the human body lies in the brain, specifically our limbic brain, where our libido resides alongside our processing of emotions, memory and scent. One of the quickest and most assured routes to sexual arousal is through fantasy. We use our imaginative capacity all the time during our waking lives as we envision all the possible futures that our daily life could result in; or even in the most negative of circumstances when we allow ourselves to ruminate and over-think bad outcomes for our relationships and aspirations. Yet when it comes to the mysterious sexual fantasy life that lives somewhere in all of us we often keep the door locked.

Allowing yourself the freedom to explore your sexual fantasies by yourself or with your partner is one of the most common sexual acts we share as human beings.  In fact, in a recent research study on sex in America, the majority of men and women reported having fantasies while having sex.  Some studies report this percentage to be as high as 60-90% for both men and women. The Kinsey research concurred with this data and showed even higher percentages during masturbation.  In fact, using sexual fantasy as the fuel for early eroticism is for most of us our first sexual act.  Boys start having sexual fantasies as early as 11-13, for girls, fantasy usually begins later in their teens and early 20s.

Telling our stories is integral to being human, and sexual fantasies transform and inspire during sex. In fact, mounting research suggests that the ability and freedom to entertain fantasies actually increases the health of both sexual arousal and desire. Yet many people feel uncomfortable with the stories that spontaneously occur to them in the course of their sexual adventures.

This is one of the first and often persistent internal spaces where our doubts about our sexual “normalcy” are instigated.  Most sex therapists recommend adopting a “no mind-crime policy” for your fantasy life.  I remember the remarkable passion that emerged in my own sex life when I stopped trying to suppress the stories that emerged during intimacy.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


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11:30AM PDT on Jun 9, 2015

This author really is not credible if siteing the Kensy report, and ideas from those reports. Serious flaws in Kinsey's work, not the least of which was the fact that one-third of the men interviewed were sex offenders. Additionally, at least 317 of Kinsey’s male subjects were not even adults, but sexually abused children. The author's comments on erotica, porn, submission, dominance and pain fantasies sounding like they are "normal" all became "normalized" because of Kinsey's reports and his reports were used to change laws making sex offenders punishments more lax. Wherever we have split ‘sex’ from love, creation, and the rest of life.. we have trivialized and depersonalized the act of love itself. Treasuring others solely for their sexuality strips them of their humanity. When Kinsey tore the mystery of love from human sexuality, he abandoned us all to a sexually broken world. I did not like this article because it is using bogus ideas and facts from ideas that have been totally discredited by the scientific and psycological and anthropological community.

3:59AM PDT on Sep 23, 2012

thanks for sharing

12:46AM PDT on Aug 5, 2012

Thanks for the article.

2:13PM PST on Jan 10, 2012

Share your fantasy with your partner .. make it a reality ...:)

2:01AM PST on Dec 31, 2011

There are a lot of things that are attractive as fantasy that I would never have an interest in translating into real life. Keeping the difference clear and undertanding the nature and source of your fantasy seems to be very important to me.

2:25PM PST on Dec 29, 2011

what about the ones with rape fantasies? when I see minors with rape fantasies. I am disturbed. am I a prude in thinking a 14 year old should not be into violent, rape fantasies involving thankfully fictional men? or is it normal and healthy for them to want Batman's "The Joker" power rape them? or should I continue to go "you are weird girl, go back to drawing ponies"

11:10AM PDT on Aug 15, 2011

While I believe fantacies are a good thing, one word of caution...If you are in a committed relationship, but have a crush on another person, constant fanticies about your crush could influence your real life thoughts about that person...Also be careful about telling your mate that you actually think of other people while making love..It can spark all kinds of jealously in some people.

6:00AM PDT on Jul 25, 2011

Fantasies are great...Life would be so boring without them...

1:49AM PDT on Jul 11, 2011

As long as all is well, nothing wrong with fantasies. Some of us are lucky enough to actually put them into use. As long as no one is neglected and the couple at hand can handle this, no problems.

10:07AM PDT on Jul 7, 2011

I wonder if that is why I write Erotica? thru my writing I can live the sexual pleasures I will never partake in real life.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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