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Focus on Sexual Arousal, Not Orgasm

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Focus on Sexual Arousal, Not Orgasm

Everyone is talking orgasm. How to have a bigger one. How to get to that great big place of explosion. Just go to Amazon and put in that keyword and see the hundreds of books that will promise to get you there. It’s what so many people believe is the answer to getting what they want when it comes to pleasure. It’s like the merit badge of sex. Proof that you’re an erotic being.

Women are actively seeking how to turn on their erotic engines. But that powerhouse engine is not fueled by orgasm, it’s fueled by arousal. Arousal, the overlooked state that can last all day or just minutes, is the building block for the orgasmic holy grail. If you can’t access your arousal, chances are you’re not having orgasms.

Sexual arousal can feel like sexual activation or even excitement. At its best, it’s a full body experience. It most commonly occurs first in our minds with thoughts of sexual desire and then is felt in our bodies. In a state of sexual arousal most of us actually go through several different physiological changes as our body and mind begin to awaken.

When men are aroused they sometimes express that feeling in the form of a genital erection. When women are feeling arousal they may begin to feel their nipples and vulva engorge along with vaginal lubrication.

Sexual arousal is the pilot light that has several stages and may not lead to any actual sexual activity, beyond a mental arousal and the physiological changes that accompany it. Many women simply describe that feeling as radiating heat.

Sexual arousal is the most understudied and overlooked part of a woman’s sexual experience. It’s not a limited experience. It can be compared to turning on a shower and waiting for the water to reach the right temperature before you can get in. If the water doesn’t get hot, the shower is not a pleasant experience. This feeling of sexual activation can blossom and affect how we experience the rest of our day. It’s this feeling of heat that can keep our daily lives feeling juiced.

The problem is that only the rare woman truly understands the power of her own arousal and how to access and maintain its magic powers to enhance the parts of her life beyond the bedroom.

Consider the potential of sexual arousal to fuel self-transformation. This is what most women are really seeking when they come to see a sex coach or buy a book on orgasm. They are wanting more, and somehow they know that it’s there – in their own bodies. Perhaps they have seen it in other women – the French refer to it as “je ne sais quoi” – it’s a woman who sparkles from within. Women who come to me for coaching often ask how to achieve that aura. They want to know how, because they want that feeling in their own bodies.

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Pamela Madsen

Pamela Madsen is an Integrative Life Coach Specializing In Women's Issues: Sexuality, Fertility, Body Image, Wellness and Rejuvenation. Pamela is also author of the best selling memoir Shameless (Rodale, Jan 2011), and founder of The American Fertility Association.Her websites BeingShameless.com and her daily blog, thefertilityadvocate.com, are a breakfast essential for reporters, writers and policymakers.

40 comments

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3:20PM PST on Jan 10, 2013

This is so true, i have a new lover in my life, and our sex life is off the charts. We touch, kiss, talk , oral sex, ect ect, And gettin off is never my goal. The goal of each and every time i have sex with her, is for us to connect. Its actualy hard to find a woman that will let you take time with her, its such a turn on just to do it. I have learned so many new things with this lover. Guys dont try to be the best lover in the world, just be the best lover in your womans life, =)

11:10AM PST on Jan 10, 2013

I sometimes feel aroused from the simplest things, the same for my partner. At least that's what he has told me. I find simply the act of holding hands amazing. It's that physical and spiritual connection that two people have. Do I have to have satisfying sex? No. Do I want him to touch me (ie. hold my hand, let me sleep in his arms, etc)? Of course I do. It's about the connection you have with someone, not the sex, although I will say that is definitly a perk of our relationship.

11:30PM PST on Jan 5, 2013

TY!

1:01PM PST on Dec 27, 2012

Thanks

6:04PM PST on Dec 24, 2012

Thank you for all of the great info. I'm looking forward to my new sex-life!!!

9:51AM PST on Dec 22, 2012

thanks for sharing

9:50PM PST on Dec 19, 2012

thanks for sharing, interesting

7:54AM PST on Dec 19, 2012

(oops, got cut off. Continuing)

but as of yet I am unable to coordinate those same feelings of arousal in the same way as when I am simply alone and focused in the feeling of that deep personal, powerful appreciation for my authentic Self.

7:50AM PST on Dec 19, 2012

I agree wholeheartedly with this article, but my personal experience has been that this type of arousal goes hand-in-hand with the spiritual search. I was celibate for many years after the death of my husband, left to raise three children alone and was totally burnt out sexually. I thought I never wanted sex ever again, couldn't even recall what arousal felt like, was perfectly content being non-sexual and had no interest in beginning a new relationship. As the children grew and became more independent I became a spiritual seeker and tried out many different spiritual modalities including meditation. An inner voice told me that I needed to work on releasing emotional blockages which led me to kundalini meditation and chanting. As this work started to untangle old emotional knots I began to feel a deeper connection to my soul self. I began to feel appreciation and love for myself and this began to translate itself into feelings of profound sexual arousal, sometimes in the strangest of places or moments... alone in my car, walking a labyrinth, viewing a sunset... anything could set it off, and, feeling safe and secure and no pressure to "perform" with another -- after all, I was having a relationship with my SELF, not another person -- I could indulge in the feeling of arousal for a long time, sometimes hours. Eventually I did begin a new relationship with a new partner and the sex is very nice, even orgasmic, but as of yet I am unable to coordinate those same feelings of arous

4:45PM PST on Dec 17, 2012

thanks

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