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Forgiveness and Orgasm

Forgiveness and Orgasm

I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive.  Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note – torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one. ~Henry Ward Beecher

Walking through the woods today with an old friend who I have been recently reunited with, we shared stories of the times when we did not live up to the best of ourselves as mothers. The truth is that the business of raising children is a mixed bag because all families are reflections of both the best and worst parts of who we are. Our children inherit both, and the art of it, if there is one, is to strive always to be our best and forgive ourselves for our worst.

Seems easy enough to say, but self forgiveness is a life work and many people grow up so familiar with some kind of shame that it is easy to hang onto our worst mistakes and spin long-term consequences out of every weakness. Overcoming the story line that keeps us from finding peace in ourselves is the result of trying to forgive ourselves.

Louis B. Smedes wrote “Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” This is the transformational process of forgiving.  This is the human alchemy of turning our worst mistakes into fertilizer for the future. We choose another way of seeing the situation and before long it alters how we remember it and ourselves.

Forgiveness though is also elusive. You can’t make yourself or anyone else forgive and it is not in our immediate human nature to  let go. You could say the same exact words about the experience of orgasmic pleasure.  No one can force themselves or anyone else into the deep and transformative pleasure of orgasm.  In both cases, all you can do is offer yourself up to the process by being open, curious and vulnerable.  It also helps to stop the thinking, analyzing and questioning which only keeps the mind preoccupied and distracted from the present moment business of release. You literally cannot orgasm and create a mental shopping list at the same time.   You cannot forgive someone if you are cataloging their offenses in your mind.

In the end, that maybe what is so powerfully similar about process of forgiveness and orgasm. They are both a kind of grace that  takes over and releases us completely into the present moment. In the most visceral of ways, for moments not measurable by our classic sense of time, we are free of our mind and at peace in our body. Although I have never seen a study I would bet that there is a proportional similarity between the percentage of people who don’t easily find pleasure and who have never forgiven themselves the shame of not finding pleasure.

Sometimes all you have to do is ask for release and mean it.

Growing an Organic Orgasm

Read more: Ask the Loveologist, Love, Mental Wellness, Relationships, Sex, Spirit

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


+ add your own
9:14PM PST on Dec 13, 2012


11:17PM PDT on Mar 19, 2012

Thank you!

2:24AM PST on Dec 21, 2011

Boy, I could use a serious round of forgiveness about now! Yowza!

3:06PM PDT on Sep 20, 2011

great article, thanks for sharing :)

12:12AM PDT on Jul 27, 2011

Accepting the consequenses, is the first step on the road to forgiveness.

5:03AM PDT on Jul 6, 2011

Horribly disgusting!

5:10AM PDT on Jun 29, 2011

Thanks for the article.

11:39AM PDT on Jun 2, 2011

don't want to get into this.

12:54PM PDT on Mar 26, 2011

there is nothing unforgiveable

4:54PM PDT on Mar 20, 2011

But then again, if the hubby does something wrong, it's kind of hard to be mad while you're having an orgasm... and afterward, the better it was, the more you forgive... So, guys, just remember that the next time you forget the anniversary or some other big event... give her a good one, and she'll stop being mad. ;)

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Thanks for sharing.


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