http://www.care2.com/greenliving/getting-hooked-why-dating-among-teenagers-is-just-so-dated.html
Getting Hooked: Why Dating Among Teenagers is Just So Dated
At the moment you read these very words, teenagers and young adults across the country are having sex (hopefully not with one another). This fact is undeniable, and there is not much any one person could do about it, unless of course you happen to be one of them. Parents have been concerned and fretting over the issue of teen sex for at least a century, as this nascent form of carnality has gone through countless revolutions and iterations informed by everything from birth control to “sexting.” So, to repeat, there is no stopping the sex train that is on a crash course with the impressionable lives of American teenagers everywhere. However, apprehensive parents have new reason to be troubled and wary due to the prevalence of the notorious “hook up.”
The hook up, or “hooking up” as is used in a more active context, is nothing that new, but has, over the past few years, been canonized in popular culture to define casual and consensual sex. The term itself is sufficiently vague, but generally involves sexual encounters, of varying degrees of frequency and intensity, with little or no strings attached. This form of casual sex will sometimes, but not always, lead to something more substantial like a long term relationship, which is an inversion of the usual dating chronology which placed relationship well before the prospect of sex. Teenagers and young adults have been opting out of the traditional courtship ritual of dating, in favor of the far more casual, and far less doctrinaire, practice of “hooking up.” Dating itself, with its definitive gender etiquette and high price tag just doesn’t stand a chance against the visceral appeal of easy and unfettered sexual congress.
So is dating dead? This has been a concern among parents, bloggers, and commentators alike. Dating, according to Beth Bailey’s history of dating, From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth-Century America, evolved out of a courtship ritual where young women entertained gentleman callers, usually in the home, under the watchful eye of a chaperon. At the turn of the 20th century, dating caught on among the poor whose homes were not suitable for entertaining. And then the practice was moved to the backseats of cars, converted and carpeted basements, and the poorly lit bathroom stalls of nightclubs.
Ironically, even with the rise of “hooking up” teens are having far less sex than they were a few decades ago (according to data from the CDC) and many participants in the “hook up” culture claim that the informality and lack of pressure breed a more relaxed social environment where true friendships are nurtured. But is the “hook up” degrading our traditional notion of dating and intimacy? Many critics of the “hooking up” phenomenon claim that being able to engage in intimate relationships where men and women bring all of themselves to the relationship is the cornerstone of family, and without it we are cast adrift in selfish sexual pleasure and fleeting intimacy. In the era of hyperactive internet-based social networks, “hooking up” seems like the logical extension of the current technological culture, but is this sex liberating or just cynical and detached? Is the route to empowerment (for both genders) in the bedroom or within the confines of a developing and mature relationship?
Would love to hear from those of you who are “hooking up” or those of you just fed up?
Eric Steinman is a freelance writer based in Rhinebeck, N.Y. He regularly writes about food, music, art, architecture and culture and is a regular contributor to Bon Appétit among other publications.
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13 comments
add your comment »Rene S- I'm glad to see someone else's opinion on the virgin-rape thing. When I got raped, it was by a man that I was not dating, and I was wondering if I should just have sex or not with my boyfriend. I figured just because I wasn't a virgin, didn't mean I couldn't choose who I'd have sex with, so I kinda till consider myself a virgin.
Although I don't believe I'll go to Hell i I have sex before marriage, I just feel comfortable moving slowly and developing feelings towards someone. I've been dating one guy through most of high school and you know what? I'm totally happy.
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My heart aches for teens today who have no idea how hooking up will hurt their future marriages. Check out my article, How Hooking Up Hurts, at www.TheFaithCoach.com/.
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(Previous post truncated prematurely - char count said I hadn't used it all, but it truncated anyway...) The rest of my comment:
THAT's the real gift. My husband and I enjoy a level of trust & faith in each other that only comes from chastity.
As for the broad brush used to paint anyone who doesn't agree with sexual free-for-alls as some Bible-thumping right-wing extremists, that's just narrow-mindedness. Muslims have stricter views of chastity, but no one bashes them for it.
Look all around Asia, Africa, and the Middle East -- places where native peoples have been doing things largely the same way for many hundreds of years, and you'll find plenty of raping and murdering going on. It's not due to sex or a lack thereof. It's about power. Rape is an act of violence intended to show the power of the rapist. Statistics are unreliable, though, because so many young girls & women in those countries do not report rape, either out of fear, or out of shame, that has nothing to do with Christianity.
Tribes in some countries have designated men whose job it is to deflower the circumcised maidens. Is it horrific for the woman? You better believe it. As the women. Go talk to them. Don't just repeat rhetoric that sounds like it substantiates your own narrow view.
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I've tried it both ways. As a teenager, I chose to reserve intercourse for my future husband. I dated a lot, then settled on a wonderful boyfriend, whom I intended to marry. When you're a virgin, it's easier to draw a line and hold it, because not "knowing" makes the longing less intense & more manageable.
When I was 18, though, I was raped by an acquaintance. I believed the lie that since I didn't have that special gift to give to my intended, *I* was no longer special. So began a few years of hooking up. Ultimately, I married someone because I thought they accepted me as-is = damaged goods (my self-assessment until my mid-20's). When I came to realize that my value as a human isn't in whether I have sex or whether I consent but in the very fact that my soul exists within my body, a life of inestimable worth simply because I have life at all -- that's when things changed for me. Soon after pursuing healthier views of myself, my marriage ended. Go figure. During my single-again years, I avoided casual sex (hooking up).
I am now remarried. When I met my husband, he and I agreed to reserve intercourse for our wedding night, as a way to make that night the most special and intimate exchange between us. We've been married for 12 years. Our sex life is unbelievably satisfying & gratifying, intimate & flourishing. The best part—since he and I both demonstrated our commitment with self-control, we know without question we can fully trust one another. THAT's
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i am owning my sexuality by choosing who to give it to. I have a pretty good idea of who i am going to marry, but i'm saving sex. Not only because i don't want to have sex and then realize later that other things don't work in the relationship. Not realizing because i had sex with him, but just the fact of realizing after i've already combined souls with someone. But also because the bible says that my body is God's temple. That may sound weird to you coming out just like that, but you may not have the same understanding of the bible as i have. God to me is not just a "god" but is my savior, my father, and friend and i have a close relationship with him. His word is truth for me and I will follow it. I'm not perfect, and don't claim to be, which is why I need a Savior for my sin.
To get back on track-- I'm not expecting my life to be all sunshine and daisies but i disagree that saving sex is a mistake. I am in a very deep relationship with the one I love. We fight, we live, we laugh, but more importantly we communicate. How can you say that religious men have the most twisted views of sex? isn't that a little biased? And just curious what exactly do you define "owning your sexuality" as? I feel as though you have a fixed view of what i think sex is because I am a christian. As if I'm "goodie two shoes"? I've done many things I regret with guys that didn't mean anything to me. And i never want to do that again. I realize that sex is more than just pleasure.
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Beth, honey, I'm sorry but you got it all wrong---your body is your OWN RIGHT NOW!!! Trust me, giving up your sexual power to a man is not going to make your marriage stable, but might harm it, because you might not know but men have a very twisted, contradictory, convoluted, confused crazy view about women and sex (especially if they are religious) and you will be in for a very rude awakening if you think you're going to have to a happily ever after married sex life with 'the one you were meant to be with', if you don't own your sexuality now.
As for the teenagers, I've always felt that teenagers today are overindulged and spoiled and don't have enough to do that's productive. One mother told me that the best way to keep teenagers sex lives under control is to have them constantly occupied with productive and positive activities, and make sure that both parents are very much in tune with what's going in. That especially includes the fathers, who need to step up to the plate and do more nurturing and don't just 'provide' for the family.
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Taz D,
i'm not convinced! yes western civilization has seen a lot of rape and murder, while far off places have not, partly because they do not supress sexual desires. But i disagree that it is wrong to supress sexual desires! i'm a Christian (a prude in your eyes, perhaps?) and so i believe that my body is not my own until i am married. I will not have sex until i marry the one i am meant to be with. just because we have sexual desires does not mean it is right to act on them. Just as the rapists should not act on their sexual desires. And has it occurred to you that maybe these tribes teach women to be submissive to the men of the tribe? the women most likely have no say and must give in to the men demanding sex. perhaps there are would-be rapists in those tribes but how would one know if they are not tested? Precisely because they give in to sexual desires, we cannot claim that they do not have would-be rapists and murderers. it is that fair to compare the sexual practices of these tribes to western civilization? i don't know. but i stand firm in my beliefs.
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Gale,
"Adults" will never be able to stop teenagers from having sex. Their libido is on fire. Since your concern is economics, I assume you would be in favor of teaching safe sex in grade school, thereby eliminating the vast majority of unwanted pregnancies and STDs.
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I am sorry, but native cultures aside, sex for the sake of sex without any sense of commitment can be a problem. It may, or may not, be okay for adults, it's their choice and presumably they are willing and able to deal with any consequences that may arise from their behavior. But for "adolescents" and by that I mean young people that are not yet self-supporting, regardless of their age, it is a problem. We decidedly DO NOT live in a culture like the Polynesians and in our culture there is simply no accommodation for the consequences of sexual behavior. An adolescent female that becomes pregnant has the deck stacked against her and more often than not will suffer myriad "social problems" throughout her life and beyond to her child's life. These range from dropping out of school to the problems her child may suffer as a result of the disadvantages of unwed and unprepared childbearing. This is not a moral judgement, as I said before adults, may behave as they choose. But in our society adolescence has been extended, in some cases, into the late 20's by the continuing demands of education. And these young people are very rarely able to support themselves let alone a child and again that is not meant as a moral judgement simply an economic opinion. And our society takes a really dim view of those that cannot support themselves as witnessed by the welfare reforms of the 90's. So ultimately it isn't about morality or sexuality, it's about economics.
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eeeek! i just read the CDC stat sheet on american teen sexuality. makes me just weep. no wonder these kids are easy prey for army recruiters and do over 80 school shootings a year... they're frustrated to death. freud said when you suppress sex, you get civilization. but when you suppress sex, what you really get is militarized church-state empires of extreme brutality, lost of murder and rape... unlike native societies these empires exterminate and devastate with missionaries. among native peoples, in touch with nature and the life-force, most teens would have hundreds of sexual events.
the average age at which a guy now has his first sex is 16.9 and girls just over that. this used to be reversed. but this is just tragic. male sexual peak happens between the years 14-19 and will never be like that again, viagra or not. women have it better on that front, peaking much longer, from 13-26 and of course, they also get multiple orgasms, the lucky ones (but they pay with periods... while the men have to worry about erections-on-call.) so this means that males have hardly any sex at all when they're at their peak performance! f**k abstinence, kids, times a'wastin. listen to the call of nature not the lectures of the PTA, obamabush and the megaministers. tell the prudes and prohibitionists to drop dead. they represent war, police-prison states, corporate slavery and ecological destruction. sex, drugs and rocknroll are better than anything those folks can ever offer you. enjoy!
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