Most often, the term organic applies to our food. Sometimes it is there to certify fabrics or product ingredients. Rarely is it applied to our sexual appetite. To be called organic, the food must be produced without any chemicals to induce or sustain its growth. The process relies on old fashioned techniques of good soil, clean air and decent weather. Small local farmers making food the old fashioned way is in vogue now because the chemical-driven industrial farms that go so far as to change the genetic make-up of food itself, are all too sci-fi. And who wants to eat science-fiction food anyway, even if it is cheaper? The more we know about the synthetic and petro-chemical process of producing food, the more we want the real stuff–the food that comes from nature–and we willingly pay more for it.
Meeting the needs of the human sexual appetite is also a multi-billion dollar industry. Not unlike the chemical companies’ vast holdings of genetically altered rows of corn are the millions upon millions of cheap porn DVDs; all clipped and re-clipped from the standard sets of bio-engineered overlarge breasts, tummy tucks and engorged male sexual organs. This crop of sexuality is available anytime, day or night, on almost any form of digital transmitter from the TV to the computer to the smart phone. The adult industry that promotes it makes more money than every big technology company you can think of, combined. Yet in spite of the enormous spending on the virtual orgasms that are readily available, I still believe that most of us would pay more for real, organic sex, the kind that you can feel change you from the inside out. This rare breed of intimacy is the one we sing about and write movie scripts for, it is the kind of sex that grows out of a relationship where you are as deeply connected in life as in the bedroom.
Growing intimate relationships that have the potential for organic orgasms to ripen also requires a healthy ecosystem. In this ecosystem, I often use the metaphor of fire to describe the passion and intensity of physical intimacy. It is nature’s energetic equivalent to our sexuality. Fire is the energy of life, providing light, heat and the ability to transform the physical world. Fire in intimacy is the force of attraction that keeps relationships dynamic and whole.
The foundation or ground of your relationship is in your thoughts.
Any accomplished gardener will tell you that the abundance of (or lack of) their crop comes from the quality of their soil. So it is in the relationship. Couples who add healthy thoughts to the mix, compost the garbage with care, and pull out the stubborn rag weed will have more success in every aspect of their relationship, including organic orgasms. Consider the soil you are building your relationship with and whether you are trying to build a fire on barren land.
Without light and air, the best soil in the world will be unproductive. The air in relationships rests in the communications that feed it. The quality and frequency of your conversations and ability to self-disclose is the air that fuels your fire. Sexual self-disclosure is most challenging of all. Creating a language and building the trust to describe what kinds of touch are pleasurable and/or painful is one of the most transformative onversations that a couple can invest in. Sharing stories of sexual history and exploring sexual anatomy together will not only provide real access to shared organic orgasms but will enhance the safety of the whole relationship.
Without water, even under the best conditions, nothing can grow. I use the metaphor of water in relationships to describe the ebb and flow of time and presence that a couple shares. Togetherness means different things to different people, and not having a shared definition, can make the relationship both unsafe and unsatisfying for both people. This fact is essential in building a fire, because where there is no safety, people can get burned.
Doing the daily work of tending the ecosystem of your relationship will pay dividends in cultivating the organic orgasms that come out of loving relationships. Cultivate a rich and complex soil that allows you to think about and evolve your sexuality. Test the limits of your communication abilities to express both the fantasies and fears that may live silently in your relationship. Make regular dates for physical intimacy and show up for each other like it is the most important thing on your schedule.
Discovering pleasure together is like pouring concrete into a foundation. Physical touch that leads to ecstatic release not only releases hormones and endorphins that promote health and longevity, but also serve as the basis of biological bonding. Knowing that you have the ability to reach someone in this most intimate of ways is one of the most significant sources of self esteem that relationships afford. There is a strange coincidence between the percentages of people who don’t orgasm and the percentage of people who divorce. While sharing orgasm is not enough to keep a relationship alive, the inability to move towards it is enough to kill it. There is no other single work in life that will repay you so profoundly each and every time you share it.