Helping Aging Parents: Taking Charge Without Taking Over

By Sheri Samotin, AgingCare.com

As your parents age and need assistance with life’s tasks – anything from balancing a checkbook to dealing with insurance claims – its hard to know how to take charge, without taking over. How do you help your parent, without making them feel as if they’re losing their independence? How do you get the job done without condescending, or making them angry?

How many times have you found yourself “showing” someone how to do something by doing it for them? It’s human nature. But while it might make sense to show by doing when you are “teaching” someone younger or less familiar with a particular topic than you are, it usually leads to anger when you do this when you are “assisting” someone with a task that he previously has been perfectly capable of handling himself.

How to Know if Your Aging Parent Needs a Caregiver

It was probably hard enough for your mom to agree to let you help her pay her bills and balance her checkbook after your dad died. And even once she agreed, it wouldn’t be surprising if she told you that she didn’t know why you were insisting on helping her since she is perfectly capable of doing it herself.

The truth is that acknowledging that you need help with the business of life is really, really hard for most seniors. If they come to the point where they need your help, they are confronted with their own limitations. And those limitations won’t “get better” in most cases. Deep down, your mom knows that this is the beginning of the end of her independence as she has come to know it.

10 Ways Caring for Parents is Different than Caring for Children

20 Warning Signs Your Parent Needs Help at Home

When Elders Don’t Accept Outside Caregivers in the Home

Helping Aging Parents: Taking Charge Without Taking Over originally appeared on AgingCare.com

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Sonny H.

12:24AM PST on Feb 11, 2012

Loving care and petience.

send a green star

Tim C.

4:21PM PST on Feb 7, 2012

Chad A.

4:31PM PST on Feb 6, 2012

I need to learn from Dad... He is in amazing shape, does a lot of yard work, goes to the farm regularly to work, travels across the country all the time to hang out with his grandson... I want to follow his example of healthy eating and healthy living.

Marie W.

7:26PM PST on Feb 3, 2012

Wish US was more like, France, Germany.. where help for caring is given by the society through the government.

La Loba L.

6:18PM PST on Feb 3, 2012

What about those of us who have no children OR close relative anywhere close to us? How are we to cope, if/when we know we need some help? Help around the house would be real nice, but we can't afford it. We own our own home, and we'd like to live in it until we die. I've spent enough time in hospitals for several lifetimes, please don't say we will *have* to go into a nursing home.

Winn A.

2:32PM PST on Feb 3, 2012

Thanks

Mary L.

7:28AM PST on Feb 3, 2012

It's so hard. If you've been a caregiver all of your life to find you're now the one who needs help is very scary.

Mom is 91 and has always been independent. She will actively fight anyone doing anything for her.

Getting her to accept her limitations and allow for assistance has been a real struggle. It's not easy. She gets frightened and lashes out as a result.

I wish our society didn't throw away the elderly. I wish our society didn't insist on people being able to care for themselves. Rugged individualism is for the birds.

Ernie M.

6:50AM PST on Feb 3, 2012

Having been a care giver for well over a year I can tell you it is a touchy thing to help and not get into the way. I try to step back everyday and be objective as to what they need and want trying to find what they dont want along the way.

Elisabeth T.

6:49AM PST on Feb 3, 2012

This is great information, thanks so much..

Santanita G.

6:34AM PST on Feb 3, 2012

One more idea to add to this.
Ask yourself, How would you like to be treated when you get to this point? Its not about what is the easiest and fastest way to get things done, its about respecting your parent enough to let them keep some dignity and respect.