How to Ask for What You Want In Bed

Know why you should always ask for what you want in bed? Because you’re worth it. And you shouldn’t hold yourself back or make yourself small for any reason or any person.

It might not be easy and you might not get everything you desire, but going for it has its own rewards inside and outside the bedroom. Here are some tips to help you with a request, just in case you need them.

  • Don’t assume the other person will think you’re a freak. You don’t know how they will respond. If they matter to you, try to trust them. (Yes, even if you’re asking for something kinky.)
  • Be direct. If you mumble, giggle, and fumble your point, you may not get what you want. Get really clear on what you’d like to ask for first and, when the time is right, bring it up. (Some might call this putting on your big girl panties. We just call it smart.)
  • Embrace the awkwardness. Asking for things like more (or less) oral sex or adding toys to sex (for extra stimulation) can make some of us shy or embarrassed. Look at it this way; feeling uncomfortable for 15 minutes is worth it if it leads to a better sex life.
  • If it’s a sensitive subject—like you want your partner to last longer—be compassionate. There’s no room for acting entitled, combative, condescending, or bratty. Try to be supportive. If you approach it like you’re in this together you’ll get through it together.
  • Believe. You have to believe in your request and know that it’s okay to ask for it. This is really important because when you’re secure in your desires and authentic about what you want, you are empowered. And empowerment will help you ask for things and get them.
  • Have your birth control ready to go. We’re pretty sure you’re going to get what you want, so make sure you’re covered when the fun starts.

To learn more about asking for what you want, Queendom covers how to ask without blushing. SheKnows wants to help you find balance in the bedroom.The Today Show offers up a video covering six ways to get the sex you want.Care2 has a Loveologist who wants to make a game out of it. Cosmo has some good tips too. And here’s the Frisky’s take on what women are afraid to ask for in bed.

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Panchali Yapa
Panchali Yapa9 months ago

Thank you

Dave Youngman
Dave Youngmanabout a year ago

One of the biggest MISconceptions is that we KNOW what turns on the opposite sex. Sure there are some buttons that we are attracted to that are covered in nerve endings but especially when you're young or in a new relationship many aspects are just a big mystery. the NET is a GOD-SEND for many because they can learn from others .... learn that over 70% of women NEVER CUM from straight intercourse. THAT is huge with many couples and it shouldn't be. WE should all know the plumbing just is NOT all that compatible and we have to do more sometimes so as not to leave her frustrated or just plain pissed and feeling abandoned.

Whether it is what you want, want to try, a fantasy or anything else it comes down to COMMUNICATION and of course reading and doing your own research into what sounds fun if you've never tried it before. And DON'T be offended if your partner isn't AS turned on by something as you are. We are ALL wired differently. Compromise in the name of making you BOTH feel good and getting what you want.


ScoTT S.
ScoTT S.1 years ago

Just break out the illustrated Kama Sutra and say, "Can we try page 73 tonight?"

"Are you out of your mind? My body won't bend that way!"

Fi T.
Fi T.1 years ago

Feel relaxed and talk about it

Elena T.
Elena Poensgen1 years ago

Thank you :)

Tanya W.
Tanya W.1 years ago


Micha Shepher
Micha Shepher1 years ago

My grandmother gives better advice.

Jessica K.
Jessica K.1 years ago

The advice not to act bratty or entitled is a good one, as sexual intimacy is supposed to be about shared caring and not selfish pleasure. Thanks.

Rachel S.
Rachel S.1 years ago

this is important! thanks for writing this :)

Diane K.
Diane K.1 years ago

Simply put, if you don't ask for what you want, you won't get it. And when it comes to intimacy, that can lead to resentment and tension around what can be an enjoyable activity with your partner. Don't assume your partner is a mind reader. Just talk...