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How To Forgive Infidelity Without Forgetting

How To Forgive Infidelity Without Forgetting

The importance of forgiveness is often understated after infidelity strikes. YourTango Expert Monica Magnetti rightly points out that “The journey to recovery is multilayered. So many aspects of our personal lives are affected by the aftermath. At this point, the importance of forgiving without forgetting takes center stage, which can bring you to a new level of consciousness. The work of forgiveness has to be done whether you are standing on one side of the fence of infidelity or the other.”

Both Magnetti and Rosemary De Faria, another YourTango expert, emphasize the transformative quality of forgiveness. As De Faria says, “Whether we are being forgiven or forgiving someone else, it is a process that offers the chance to look through compassionate eyes at ourselves and our partner.”

From Monica Magnetti, here are four essential truths that can help us understand how compassion facilitates forgiveness, toward others and yourself:

1. You are human. Embrace your humanness and remember that your imperfections make you perfect just as you are.

2. Others are also human. Know that everyone makes mistakes, even when we hold them—like often we hold ourselves—to too high standards.

3. Surrender is the key to living life to the fullest. Surrender to the fact that everything you do, or allow others to do to you, offers you learning and the opportunity to advance your spiritual journey.

4. Understand how you may be attracting infidelity into your life. We naturally prefer to blame others for something hurtful that we believe was done to us. And of course, being able to forgive is just plain hard. Even when we are deep in our own spiritual journey and stretched to our capacities, it takes a big person to embrace forgiving. When we take responsibility for our side of what happened, we are transformed from victim to conscious participant in our own life and spiritual journey.

From Rosemary De Faria, here are four tips on understanding and forgiveness:

1. Retribution is not the answer. The topic of forgiveness addresses a practice that for most of us requires conscious intention. When we have been wounded, we can easily go to a place of indignation and righteousness, holding on to grudges and seeking the “satisfaction” of some of form of retribution. In our broken hearts, we feel the answer is to hurt others as we have been hurt, but is this what we should be doing?

2. Understand your partner. In a partnership, when one person goes outside the relationship for what he or she feels is missing, there are huge issues around betrayal which can be devastating and from which many people feel there will be no coming back. This, however, does not have to be the case. People do all sorts of things for many reasons, most of which have to do with their own lack of self-awareness and self-love. These beliefs propel them into medicating themselves through “quick-fix” encounters, only to realize they are looking for some of what they already have.

3. Forgiveness is transformative. When the issue of infidelity does present itself, it can be an opening to a new way of being. Have you ever done something and regretted it and then apologized for it; not just mouthing the words, but truly meaning it from your heart? And after doing so, have you been blessed enough to receive someone’s forgiveness? It is in a state of grace that this occurs, creating deep transformation and increased compassion for both parties. Having said this, I am not suggesting denying one’s anger and hurt. This is a necessary part of the healing process. But don’t let these feelings live “rent-free” inside of you. This is where most of us get stuck.

4. Understand your own history and your role in this. Find out what your part is about. Is this scenario one that repeats itself in your life? If so, it probably warrants looking into deeper. Whatever it is, you can forgive yourself for it. Once this is done, you may find there is still some life in this relationship, particularly if both of you are coming from a place of honesty and integrity. There are lessons to be learned here.

Written by Monica Magnetti and Rosemary De Faria for YourTango.com.

More Juicy Content From YourTango:

Infidelity: How to Deal with Being Cheated On

22 Ways Couples Can Overcome Infidelity

Infidelity Definition – How to Define Infidelity in Relationships

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74 comments

+ add your own
12:43PM PST on Dec 6, 2013

Written by someone who feels guilty and is trying to make excuses, apparently...

It's simple - if you love someone you don't have cheat. The end.

6:10PM PST on Nov 30, 2013

TY

10:04AM PST on Nov 26, 2013

thank you

5:59AM PST on Nov 26, 2013

thanks for posting this

4:05PM PST on Nov 25, 2013

ty

3:34PM PST on Nov 25, 2013

Infidelity is continuous in some people's behavior. There is a recognized psychosis and a personality disorder that both cause serial infidelity. The guiltless partner should remove themselves from a relationship with someone suffering from this psychosis or personality disorder due to exposure to disease, etc.

7:42AM PST on Nov 25, 2013

Infedility is a deal breaker. It is unforgivable. Once a cheater always a cheater in my experience.

11:06AM PST on Nov 24, 2013

What a CROCK!

Sorry, but having been jilted by my ex-fiance before I met my husband, I can definitely tell you that all this is a total crock! He KNEW what he was doing was wrong, yet he not only cheated on me, but got engaged to someone else without being man enough to dump me first (or even TELL me himself, for that matter-I found out from his MOTHER, then found the engagement announcement in the local paper in the region where is other fiance lived)! Worse, I later found out that he'd had the fidelity of an alley cat the whole time we were together.

Cheating is just plain unforgivable, and the one cheated on definitely deserves restitution from the cheating party. S/he needs to be called out for his/her actions and made to pay. Allowing them to get away with it only ensures that they'll do it again because it basically says that their behavior is okay. WRONG.

And they DON'T deserve forgiveness. For me, forgiving them is basically the same thing as absolution, and for all intents and purposes that's enabling the cheater to keep cheating. Not gonna happen.

Oh, and what Lepidopter said, DOUBLE!!!!

6:55AM PST on Nov 24, 2013

thanks

3:55AM PST on Nov 24, 2013

Understand and accept

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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