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How To Have An Affair Without Ending Your Relationship

How To Have An Affair Without Ending Your Relationship

By Tammy Nelson for

Want to learn the best three ways to cheat on your partner … with your parter? (Yes, it’s possible, and why wouldn’t you want to?) There’s a high that comes from the forbidden. The thrill, the illicitness, the unknown of a lover and the secret meeting that comes with a clandestine affair, all make for a hot indiscretion. And having that with someone you’ve been married to for years can be even better.

In fact, relationship writer Andrea Syrtash wrote a whole book on the topic — Cheat On Your Husband (With Your Husband). (Check out some of her videos here).

Here are three ways to inject that spontaneity and surprise into a committed relationship, recreating those exciting feelings with someone you trust, without the deep hurt and betrayal that you risk with a real affair.

More from YourTango: Can An Affair Help A Marriage?

Plan a secret rendezvous. It sounds counterintuitive, but be spontaneous by planning a sex date. Sure, it might sound like you can’t possibly find excitement in a sexy night where you actually have to make the bed and light the candles yourself, but if you can find a few hours to escape from your kids, your jobs and your otherwise regular sex routine, a sex date can be really hot and erotic. Tell your partner you’ll meet him in the bedroom night and wait for him under the sheets … naked.

Make love in a strange, dirty place. For a more passionate liaison, try sex in a strange place (and I don’t mean the kitchen floor). Find a location that neither of you would ever dream of having sex. Find a really dark, dank local pub and drag him into the stall of the men’s restroom. Do it in your parents’ bed. (Maybe a little too weird, I know). The point is to find someplace that at first glance appears to have an “ick” factor. One of my client couples found that the back kitchen of a restaurant in between shifts was a great place for a quick makeout session up against a wall. “It was kind of greasy and smelly,” Ilana said, “but that’s what made it hot, I felt like we couldn’t control ourselves, and we didn’t worry about our clothes, we worried we were going to get caught and that’s what made it so passionate.”

More from YourTango: An Affair Saved My Marriage

Surprise each other with something totally new. Surprise your partner with something that’s totally different and share it with him/her as a gift. Take turns picking out that “something new” every week. Try fruit as a sex toy or dress up as the opposite sex and explore what that feels like, at least once. It doesn’t have to be complicated; in fact, your partner’s suggestions may surprise you. You don’t have to love everything you try; you just have to try it. You may both start to look forward to your “new thing” every week and get excited when planning for it. Make it as shocking as possible and make it a contest — try to out-surprise your partner each time.

Sometimes stirring things up and having an affair with your partner means sneaking around and sometimes it means trying something new. Sometimes it means showing up at the door in a coat and a wig and “pretending” that you don’t know each other. Try role playing that you are cheating with each other and you’ll notice how just by taking that chance — you can turn up the heat.

It’s not wrong if it feels right, because you’re doing it with someone you love. Maybe, if you’re lucky, after your hot affair night, you will both get to take off your trench coats and stay home.

More from YourTango: 5 Ways To Keep Married Sex Exciting

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of “The New Monogamy and Getting the Sex You Want”, and “Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together.” She can be found at

This article originally appeared on How To Have An Affair … In Your Relationship.

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+ add your own
1:53AM PDT on Sep 7, 2014

Thank you

4:17AM PDT on Sep 17, 2013

pls send web address

8:47AM PDT on Jul 26, 2013

we just aren't into play acting

8:47AM PDT on Jun 3, 2013

How about establishing it with our better half?

12:20AM PDT on May 31, 2013

thanks for sharing

12:05AM PDT on May 31, 2013

I am glad that the title was misleading and did not mean waht I thought...

9:51AM PDT on May 30, 2013

thanks,good idea :-)

8:08AM PDT on May 30, 2013

Hmm some good ideas, but- men's 'rest room'. Isn't that the coy American word for toilet? Sex in a toilet ? A MEN'S toilet.Nah!

3:40AM PDT on May 30, 2013


1:34AM PDT on May 30, 2013

thanks for posting

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

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