How To Have An Affair Without Ending Your Relationship

By Tammy Nelson for

Want to learn the best three ways to cheat on your partner … with your parter? (Yes, it’s possible, and why wouldn’t you want to?) There’s a high that comes from the forbidden. The thrill, the illicitness, the unknown of a lover and the secret meeting that comes with a clandestine affair, all make for a hot indiscretion. And having that with someone you’ve been married to for years can be even better.

In fact, relationship writer Andrea Syrtash wrote a whole book on the topic Cheat On Your Husband (With Your Husband). (Check out some of her videos here).

Here are three ways to inject that spontaneity and surprise into a committed relationship, recreating those exciting feelings with someone you trust, without the deep hurt and betrayal that you risk with a real affair.

More from YourTango: Can An Affair Help A Marriage?

Plan a secret rendezvous. It sounds counterintuitive, but be spontaneous by planning a sex date. Sure, it might sound like you can’t possibly find excitement in a sexy night where you actually have to make the bed and light the candles yourself, but if you can find a few hours to escape from your kids, your jobs and your otherwise regular sex routine, a sex date can be really hot and erotic. Tell your partner you’ll meet him in the bedroom night and wait for him under the sheets … naked.

Make love in a strange, dirty place. For a more passionate liaison, try sex in a strange place (and I don’t mean the kitchen floor). Find a location that neither of you would ever dream of having sex. Find a really dark, dank local pub and drag him into the stall of the men’s restroom. Do it in your parents’ bed. (Maybe a little too weird, I know). The point is to find someplace that at first glance appears to have an “ick” factor. One of my client couples found that the back kitchen of a restaurant in between shifts was a great place for a quick makeout session up against a wall. “It was kind of greasy and smelly,” Ilana said, “but that’s what made it hot, I felt like we couldn’t control ourselves, and we didn’t worry about our clothes, we worried we were going to get caught and that’s what made it so passionate.”

More from YourTango: An Affair Saved My Marriage

Surprise each other with something totally new. Surprise your partner with something that’s totally different and share it with him/her as a gift. Take turns picking out that “something new” every week. Try fruit as a sex toy or dress up as the opposite sex and explore what that feels like, at least once. It doesn’t have to be complicated; in fact, your partner’s suggestions may surprise you. You don’t have to love everything you try; you just have to try it. You may both start to look forward to your “new thing” every week and get excited when planning for it. Make it as shocking as possible and make it a contest try to out-surprise your partner each time.

Sometimes stirring things up and having an affair with your partner means sneaking around and sometimes it means trying something new. Sometimes it means showing up at the door in a coat and a wig and “pretending” that you don’t know each other. Try role playing that you are cheating with each other and you’ll notice how just by taking that chance you can turn up the heat.

It’s not wrong if it feels right, because you’re doing it with someone you love. Maybe, if you’re lucky, after your hot affair night, you will both get to take off your trench coats and stay home.

More from YourTango: 5 Ways To Keep Married Sex Exciting

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of “The New Monogamy and Getting the Sex You Want”, and “Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together.” She can be found at

This article originally appeared on To Have An Affair … In Your Relationship.


Panchali Yapa
Panchali Yapa2 years ago

Thank you

Ramij Ahmed
Ramij Ahmed3 years ago

pls send web address

Kathy Perez
Kathy Johnson3 years ago

we just aren't into play acting

Fi T.
Past Member 3 years ago

How about establishing it with our better half?

Patricia H.
Patricia H.3 years ago

thanks for sharing

Chad Anderson
Chad Anderson3 years ago

I am glad that the title was misleading and did not mean waht I thought...

Aud Nordby
Aud n3 years ago

thanks,good idea :-)

Gyan T.
Gyan T3 years ago

Hmm some good ideas, but- men's 'rest room'. Isn't that the coy American word for toilet? Sex in a toilet ? A MEN'S toilet.Nah!

Nils Anders Lunde
PlsNoMessage se3 years ago


Danuta Watola
Danuta W3 years ago

thanks for posting