14 Steps to Mend a Broken Relationship

Lately, I’ve been bumbling my way through a relationship with a friend.  She’s a little skittish, so I hold back and don’t always say what I think or ask for what I need. Then I get frustrated because I feel unheard and unexpressed and not validated, which is SO not her fault, because I’m the one not asking for what I need!

It got to the point where we were hooked into a really icky pattern. I had expectations that never got met. Then after spending time with her, I’d feel hurt and disappointed, and she’d feel terrible for disappointing me. The whole thing wasn’t working for either of us.

So I suggested we go through a process I’ve now been through with quite a few significant people in my life. I call it “renegotiating our sacred contract.” When a relationship just isn’t working, we have two choices. We can just bless each other, thank each other for the time and the teachings, and release the relationship with love. Buh bye. Or we can bring our grievances to the table, examine old patterns that aren’t serving us anymore, call out any unspoken agreements we’ve unconsciously agreed to, and mindfully and gently renegotiate the terms of the relationship.

Renegotiating a sacred contract is always a risk, because whenever you come to the table to redefine terms, there’s always the chance you won’t be able to agree to terms, and you’ll have to either end the relationship or make the decision to stay in a relationship that isn’t working, which can be pretty unsatisfying and self-defeating.

But in my experience, this process can be a life and relationship — changing experience. So far, it’s saved many of the relationships that were threatened as we grew and changed together.

So how do you do it?

How To Renegotiate A Sacred Contract

1. Take a moment in silence and tap into your highest self (what I call your “Inner Pilot Light” or what you might call your spirit.) Then tap into the highest self of your loved one. Allow those two selves to agree to bring into being whatever is in the highest good for you both during your negotiation. Invite the highest self of your loved one to communicate any messages you might need to know going into the conversation. Resolve to allow the highest good to come into being without attaching to any specific outcome.

2. Initiate dialogue. This is easiest when both parties are unhappy with the status quo. If one of you is clueless because the other has been faking it, it can take more moxy to admit that you’d like things to be different. Make sure you lead with compassion and gratitude, not blaming, shaming, criticizing, or judging. If you put someone on the defensive from the get-go, you won’t get far.

3. Establish safety. If this is a relationship you really wish to resuscitate, make it clear that you are not here to fight. You’re here to do CPR.  Help your loved one reduce stress responses in his or her nervous system, so he or she doesn’t get all “fight-or-flight” on you. Remind the one you love of how much you care and are committed to saving the relationship.

4. Set clear intentions. Get clear on what you both desire from the relationship. Be vulnerable. Get brutally honest. What outcome do you wish to achieve? You are a master manifester when you, The Universe, and your loved one set clear intentions for co-creation. When your intentions are a mess, you’ll create a mess.

5. Lead with gratitude. Let your loved one know how much you care. This can be challenging when the relationship has broken down, because it’s easy to focus on built up resentment, unmet expectations, disappointments, frustrations, anger, or feelings of betrayal. List the reasons you cherish the relationship, even if it feels impossibly vulnerable to do so. When you both lead from gratitude, it will soften the process and remind you both why you’re doing this.

6. Determine whats working for you both. Sign up for more of that.  Break it down into clear line items and put it in your contract.

7. Own your stuff. How have you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship? Take responsibility for the part you’ve played in co-creating the relationship’s breakdown, rather than playing the victim. When both of you are willing to own your own part in the dysfunction, you’ll find an opening, a place for negotiation, an opportunity for change and healing arises. It will also diffuse some of the resentment, disappointment, or anger you may both feel.

8. Confess what isnt working for you. Be willing to be uncomfortably, even painfully honest. Don’t lead with blame, shame, criticism, or judgment. Make it about you as much as you can (use “I” language. “I feel ____ when you _____.”) and avoid “You” language. “You did _____ to me.”) If you’re going to point out ways in which your loved one makes you unhappy (and yes, you must), deliver your message gently, with great compassion. Practice non-violent communication. Invite your loved one to confess what isn’t working on his/her end.

9. Brainstorm solutions. A sacred contract renegotiation requires compromise. Once you’ve laid your cards on the table, how might you fix what’s not working? Remember, this is not an ultimatum. You are not making demands, nor is your loved one. You are merely making suggestions, and you can see how your loved one responds. If you can both agree on new terms based on a brainstorm that resonates with you both, write it down as a line item. This is a new term in your sacred contract.

10. Go the mat. Assuming steps 1-8 have gone well, get brave. (If they haven’t, consider hiring a therapist. I’m regularly in therapy with my husband, and I’ve also now been in therapy twice to try to save difficult friendships I cherish.) Once you both realize it’s safe to be honest, take your confessions a vulnerable step deeper. Speak radical truth — gently and with ownership of your part in it all. Don’t hold back. Read your loved one and check in with how things are going. Be willing to take a break and come back later if one of you is hitting your wall. Determine the level of commitment both of you are demonstrating. Is your loved one willing to go to the mat with you? Or is one of you shutting down? Are you able to stay in a place of compassion and gratitude? Is your loved one? Can you get radically honest without getting triggered?

11. Be present with your own reactions. Take breaks if you need time- and give your loved one permission to do the same, If you or your loved one needs to step back from the negotiation process, do what you can to reassure each other, since stepping back from the negotiation can trigger fears of rejection or abandonment. Ask for the space you need, but do what you can to reassure the one you love that you’re not rejecting the relationship; you’re just processing.

12. Avoid the tendency to exert control. This is not a time to prove that you’re right. Healthy relationships are not a power struggle. Be willing to be wrong, while simultaneously speaking your truth. If the relationship is important to you, make peace with your discomfort with being out of control in a difficult relationship.

13. Rewrite your contract. Can you agree to new terms? Get it in writing so it’s SUPER DUPER clear. Give yourselves permission to keep noodling the contract. Add to it or amend it as new thoughts come up. Print it out and sign it if you really want to make it official. But also acknowledge that the contract may be changed at any time. Give each other permission to initiate a “renegiating the sacred conversation” anytime one of you feels it is needed.

14. Celebrate! If your relationship survives this process, celebrate! It can be such a relief to just speak truth that you may feel 1,000 pounds lighter just from being who you really are. If it goes well, you’re likely to feel a giddy sense of potential and feelings of hopefulness about the nature of your relationship.

What if it doesnt go well?

If your sacred contract negotiation doesn’t go well, that’s a good sign that it’s time for both of you to determine how much you value the relationship. If the stakes are high — you’re married, related, or BFF’s, get a good couples therapist. If you’re not that invested in the relationship, be willing to bless each other, thank each other for the spiritual lessons you’ve both learned, and say goodbye with grace and compassion. I’m the kind of person who wants to know, with 100 percent certainty, that I’ll be close to the people I love when we’re both 85 and in our rocking chairs. But I’m learning that sometimes, with grace, it’s time to bless, honor, and thank the people our souls call into our lives to teach us lessons and then release them when the learning is done — with great love. I used to think that if a relationship didn’t last forever, somebody f*cked up. But I now think differently. Maybe sometimes we show up in each other’s lives to learn what our souls are here to learn, and then when the learning is complete, we can release each other — with love.

Me & My Friend

My friend and I just went through this process and we have 11 line items in our new contract. I was super nervous going into our sacred contract renegotiation because I value the friendship so much, and I was so afraid the process might lead to the end of our friendship. But that’s not what happened. I feel so much gratitude for this person I love, who was willing to face the difficult process of a sacred contract renegotiation. We are on a new path. And I have so much hope for what lies ahead for us both.

What About You?

Have you ever been through a process like this? Is there a relationship in your life in need of a sacred contract renegotiation? Tell us your stories in the comments.

Related
3 Keys to a Happy Relationship
5 Ways to Make New Friends
The Upside of Long Distance Relationships

205 comments

Kesby K.
Kesby K.7 days ago

HOW I RESTORED MARRIAGE !!!
After 6 moths of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids, I felt like ending it all, i almost committed suicide because he left us with nothing, i was emotionally down all this while. Thanks to a man called Dr Aisabu of Aisabu temple which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I came across several testimonies about this particular man. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he prayed to stop divorce and get a good paid job so on. He is amazing, i also come across one particular testimony, it was about a woman called Shannon , she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped his email. (aisabulovespell@gmail.com) After reading all these, I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We resolved our issues, and we are even happier than ever. DR Aisabu you are a gifted man and thank you for everything you had done in my life. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster, Try him anytime, he is the answer to your problems. you can contact him on aisabulovespell@gmail.com call/WhatsApp number +2348036722163

SEND
Camen S.
Camen S.9 days ago

I'm ramar from Russia, i can’t hide this amazing testimony that took place in my life. A powerful spell-caster named Dr. KEN brought back my love who left me and run off with another woman while I was six months pregnant,it was a painful period for me because i loved him so much an didn't want to lose him,so i contact Dr.KEN via email; drkenspellcaster@aol.com and call him with his number +1803 845 1572,he cast a spell for me and behold my husband was back to me and we are now a happy family,contact him to fix your relationship because he did it for me and i completely trust Dr.KEN to fix your relationship,Thank you Dr.KEN for all this.

SEND
Keyanna L.
Keyanna L.17 days ago

I want to share my testimony to the world. My marriage has been a blessing until few months ago when my life almost get sucked. A strange woman took my husband's love away from me. He left me and our 3 kids to this lady. I was in shocked because i know my husband still loves me. I tried all i could to get him back but the more i tried the more he went far away from me. All my effort yielded nothing. I was almost giving up and wanted to file for a divorce. I lived in pains for 3 good months without any plan of getting out of this mess. Till I met an old school friend who show me to Lord masuka his email lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com a spell caster who then restore the happiness to my family and my life. His spell worked so fast that I could not even believe it. He's great for as much as I can tell. Am still grateful to him till tomorrow for his spell works. My husband came back with apologies for all the pain he has cost me. You can also contact him on his email for all your relationship or marital problems; lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or call him +2347053105287 You can visit his website http://lordmasukalovespelltemple.webs.com/ or add him on Skype lord masuka or facebook Harry masuka

SEND
Keyanna L.
Keyanna L.17 days ago

I want to share my testimony to the world. My marriage has been a blessing until few months ago when my life almost get sucked. A strange woman took my husband's love away from me. He left me and our 3 kids to this lady. I was in shocked because i know my husband still loves me. I tried all i could to get him back but the more i tried the more he went far away from me. All my effort yielded nothing. I was almost giving up and wanted to file for a divorce. I lived in pains for 3 good months without any plan of getting out of this mess. Till I met an old school friend who show me to Lord masuka his email lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com a spell caster who then restore the happiness to my family and my life. His spell worked so fast that I could not even believe it. He's great for as much as I can tell. Am still grateful to him till tomorrow for his spell works. My husband came back with apologies for all the pain he has cost me. You can also contact him on his email for all your relationship or marital problems; lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or call him +2347053105287 You can visit his website http://lordmasukalovespelltemple.webs.com/ or add him on Skype lord masuka or facebook Harry masuka

SEND
Keyanna L.
Keyanna L.17 days ago

I want to share my testimony to the world. My marriage has been a blessing until few months ago when my life almost get sucked. A strange woman took my husband's love away from me. He left me and our 3 kids to this lady. I was in shocked because i know my husband still loves me. I tried all i could to get him back but the more i tried the more he went far away from me. All my effort yielded nothing. I was almost giving up and wanted to file for a divorce. I lived in pains for 3 good months without any plan of getting out of this mess. Till I met an old school friend who show me to Lord masuka his email lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com a spell caster who then restore the happiness to my family and my life. His spell worked so fast that I could not even believe it. He's great for as much as I can tell. Am still grateful to him till tomorrow for his spell works. My husband came back with apologies for all the pain he has cost me. You can also contact him on his email for all your relationship or marital problems; lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or call him +2347053105287 You can visit his website http://lordmasukalovespelltemple.webs.com/ or add him on Skype lord masuka or facebook Harry masuka

SEND
Mary W.
Mary W.26 days ago

Am mary i want to say a big thanks to the great native Dr GUPTA who brought back my husband who divorced me, i love this man so much and he is the father of my kids and i love him so much but never knew what came over him that made him thinks that i was cheating on him, so he asked for divorce, but i want to give a big appreciations to the great dr gupta who brought him back to me, and now me and my husband and kids are living happily like never before, Am so happy for what the great dr Gupta did for me and my family,he is the solution to all sort of marriage problems....thank you very much Sir,You can contact dr Gupta on Email:(drgupta247@gmail.com) For your solution, his cell number and Whatsapp number: +27735431778

SEND
Jessica L
Jessica L26 days ago

My name is Jessica Luis, and I base in USA...My life is back!!! After 1 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr Mohammed, which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet,I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Sonia,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr Mohammed's e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before Dr Mohammed, is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man... If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try High monicaspiritualtemple@gmail.com anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here's his contact: monicaspiritualtemple@gmail.com or call him +23481344

SEND
Laraina S.
Laraina S.27 days ago

Am writing this article to thank Prophet Mike for the wondrous miracle that he did for me because he helped me recently to bring back my Ex husband. Thank you sir for your genuine spells. This is really incredible,I have never experienced anything like this in my life. Before i met you Sir, i have tried every means that i could to get my husband back, but i actually came to realize that nothing was working out for me, and that my husband had developed lot of hatred for me.. I thought there was no hope to reunite with my husband. But when i read good reviews about how Prophet Mike help others get back there ex lovers, make others to win big on lottery, cure of any sickness. I decided to give it a try and i did everything that he instructed me and i Trusted him and followed his instructions just as he guaranteed me in 3days, and that was exactly when my husband called me and come back to me.. I'm so happy for the good work you did for me. We are more contented now than ever. Everything looks perfect and so natural! Thank you so much Sir for your authentic and indisputable spells. Email him now for help ( purityspell@gmail.com)

SEND
Sonia E.
Sonia E.27 days ago

After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drosedebamenspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NE

SEND
Sonia E.
Sonia E.27 days ago

After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drosedebamenspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NE

SEND