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How To Surrender
Whenever you feel yourself having a reaction of judgment, rejection, or resistance, imagine the opposite. Instead of seeing an adversary, view your partner as totally on your side. Don’t focus on what he or she has done to irritate you; reframe it as an act of pure love, brought into being to teach you the perfect lesson you need to learn at just that moment. This isn’t a mind game or a trick: at the level of spirit your beloved acts only from love, holding your highest good at heart.
Resistance is like a wall, holding back the flow of love. Love is the wave that brings forgiveness, kindness, and trust from the level of spirit. You can’t create these things. You can only tune in to them, which is why you need to remake your daily battles into opportunities for spirit. Every sliver of time opens onto the timeless. Can you allow yourself to slip through?
First and foremost, this is about seeing each other in a new light. Needs don’t just go away. On the other hand, projections of blame should go away; there isn’t any reason, except in your perception, to make each other feel wrong.
You must stop feeding the monster. This inner being who keeps screaming, ‘What about me?’ is a kind of monster, a distorted outgrowth of your ego.
Imagine the monster. The name of this beast is resistance. Now think of a situation where you absolutely didn’t want to go along with your spouse’s will. See this monster coming forward to defend you by putting up a wall of denial, a thousand reasons why you are right and your partner wrong, a ferocious display of withering disapproval.
How do you feel when this happens? Hard. Angry. Furious. Insecure. Empty. Alone. All are layers of the same response. On the surface the monster of resistance expresses anger and hardness, but this is only to protect the insecurity and loneliness lurking underneath. If you peel away the layers, you find that resistance is actually born of fear, and fear comes from having been deeply hurt in the past.
Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).
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17 comments
add your comment »Vanesles, the hardest part is to forgive yourself. It is up to each of us to forgive or not to forgive so if the other person chooses not to forgive you even when you have done all you can to make amends, you have to be able to forgive yourself and let go. Choosing not to forgive hurts only the one who makes that choice.
To forgive does not mean necessarily to forget because if our memories are intact we can't do that. To forgive, I think, means to know that we all make mistakes and we can learn from them. How else can we learn? But actually there are no mistakes, just choices that had unpleasant consequences. So we can learn to make better choices. we need to accept the things we do and to make corrections that seem appropriate when we can.
When we create a fire we can see if we can put it out. if not, stop feeding it so that eventually it will die on its own and meanwhile contain it so that it doesn't get out of hand and burn up everything in sight. :)
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I know that this is where I need to be and I am so happy to surrender. I cannot hadle the pain that is tearing me apart. Due to my selfish emotional immaturity, I've unintentionally hurt someone whom I love and respect deeply. I need to find a way to let this person know that I will do whatever I have to, to heal their peace of mind.
I have surrendered for a lot of reasons,
Today this is the most important reason ever for me humbly say, I completely surrender. Whatever my punishment, I will accept it, respect it and move on. Right now I hand it over to God. How can I ever apologize enought, If I'm never forgiven, I have only myself to blame.
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Dear Deepak,
This is fantastic stuff, coming right from the core of your illumined bieng... nothing could me more true...this kind of insight can heal old festering wounds which we unknowingly inflict upon ourselves in complete ignorance of the spiritual laws that govern our lives... Dhan Guru Nanak.
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Maddwwee, I agree. How wonderful to find a way as many of us have.
I still manage to get irritated and at times and do things or think things that cut me off (in my mind and heart) from someone else but the thing is to catch myself at it and get myself back on track.
There have been people in my life that I had to keep my physical distance from, use my healthy boundaries techniques, but I still could love them in a higher, more spiritual way. I believe we are all connected at our core but we can feel disconnected humanly in our minds.
This has been a very good topic. Not that others have not been. :)
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I agree with you Ron. I viewed this as dealing with the daily little battles, the irritations, the surrender being that I can't change the other's perspective, but I can find a way to stay connected to them and others when we differ or I am feeling irritated. I can switch my perspective to connecting by connecting to myself. somehow. The more able I can do this in the small matters daily, the practice it provides for the bigger turnoffs, irritations.
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Lisa, that is a very good point.
It isn't just romantic relationships that may be going sour. You can look at how your interactions are with anyone under any circumstances every day.
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when it feels like none of your relationships are working; it is time to look within. and the spiritual words from Deepak are so true.
The negativity with others only becomes a vicicious cycle. Ask: What is the lesson that I am to be learning from what happens. when we learn to bite our tongue, not be confrontational, and let go then, only then do we start to think and grow in a positive direction. huh, easier said than done. spend some time in the silence.
nameste
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If you are experiencing communication problems with your partner or a barrier to complete fulfillment in your relationship, maybe try opening yourself or channelling your love into understanding and communication to perhaps help them to break down their resistance. If you see no value in the outcome of the time and energy that you put forth and decide to withhold your love, then move on. Perhaps you are better off surrounding yourself with you for a while. Try to deepen your love for yourself so that you may attract those that are open to love also.
I love these ideas and discussions, these really brighten my curiosity. Thank you Deepak
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Thank you for your perspectives... I was looking at this topic in the much broader sense in how to work on your mindfulness in your everyday contacts and events. It something about looking at the way you react to what is taking place at any particular moment. Looking deep into why you may feel angry and even why you may have an extreme feeling of joy. Coming to an understanding on how and why you may react to certain events can be very liberating.
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Love is never about, it should be this way or that, but about love and acceptance, of what is.
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