I Am A Supremacist

Someone asked me today how my book tour was going, and I found myself answering, ďIím alive.Ē As soon as I said it, I realize how negative that sounds. When someone asks how weíre doing and we say ďIím alive,Ē it implies that weíre barely more than dead. But when I said it, I honestly meant that I feel super-duper alive — in the full realm of human experience way. As in, I feel real. I feel raw. I donít feel numb or flatlined, in any way.

What this means is that Iím good — and bad. Iím giddy and grieving. Iím excited and disappointed and passionate and sexy and self-reflective and curious and frustrated and open. I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. I feel called and appreciated. I am ALIVE. What more can we as humans ask for?

Yet, there’s a reason we seek to numb ourselves.

When we feel fully alive, we find ourselves faced with parts of ourselves we might prefer to keep under wraps. The other night, I barely slept because I found myself faced with something I didnít want to look at. It was one of those dark nights of the souls — you know the ones. When you find yourself staring at the ceiling at 3:00am while the voice of your inner critic chatters away, empowered by the darkness in the room. You question everything and find yourself lacking. Every bit of your self confidence drains out and youíre left in that dimly-lit cave of yourself, the one where you stuff everything youíd prefer not the see, the stuff you hope NOBODY ever sees. Yeah. That place.

I wound up there after a conversation I had earlier that night with my friend Tricia. She asked how it felt going back to San Diego, my old hometown, on my book tour. And I confessed that, while attendance at my events was great and I think things went well, I was disappointed that so few of my old friends and family actually came to my book tour events to support me. There were bunches of fans from OwningPink.com, Twitter, Facebook, and readers of my book Whatís Up Down There?. And God bless my friends Paolo, Kelly, and Kim for making the effort to come out in support of what Iím doing. But many others were conspicuously absent, and it made me question what I might have done to alienate my people. Where were they?

I mentioned this to Tricia with a few tears, and Tricia blurted, ďLissa, youíre a Supremacist.Ē Just like that. Matter of fact. Her words stopped me in my tracks. She went on. ďIíve heard you talk about your San Diego friends from your old life and ever since you left that life, youíve had nothing but disdain for the life you used to live. You took this big leap of faith to follow your dreams, which is all well and good, but you judge those who havenít done the same. Itís no wonder they donít feel like finding a babysitter to head out to some book tour event to support you, when you donít support them.Ē


It hurt to hear, but Tricia was spot on. Iím not a Supremacist in the Nazi sort of way. Iím totally racially and culturally tolerant. But I DO do that ugly stuff she said, judging others who donít choose to live their lives the way I live mine. I rationalize it by telling myself that I just want everyone to be able to find the kind of joy Iíve found in living vitally, speaking my truth, being authentic to the core of who I am, and letting my freak flag fly. But who am I to judge anyone, especially when most of these old friends of mine seem perfectly happy with lives that I might consider less than brimming with mojo?

Tricia suggested that, instead of judging myself for being a Supremacist, I try just being with it. Just own it. I am a Supremacist. So I am owning it. I am a Supremacist. But I donít like it (thereís that damn judgment again!).

So itís no wonder I found myself staring at the stars last night, wondering who Iíve become. Here I am promoting unconditional love, seeing with magical eyes, and uniting in authentic community, but have I alienated the very people I love the most? Am I turning into one of those people who is loved by millions who donít know me but despised by those who do? Ick. Somethingís gotta change.

I thought about the people I most love and realized that I can be horribly critical of the people I love the most. If only he would be honest about who he really is instead of pretending to be something heís not. If only she would have more initiative. If only he was more aggressive and willing to stand up for himself. If only she had better social skills and knew how to read the cues of others. If only she would open her mind. If only she had the courage to bring her true self out of the closet into the brilliant light of day. If she would be more tolerant. If he would be less influenced by the opinions of others. If she wouldnít be so rigid and inflexible. If she was willing to come out of her box. If he was more true to his integrity instead of selling out.

Damn, I wouldn’t want to be my friend either.

I honestly love and cherish every one of these people. I donít need them to change a bit to adore them just the way they are. So why do I do this? Why do I have this ugly judgmental streak? And how can I make it stop?

I certainly donít think Iím all that, but does my behavior reflect this superior stance I would never want to portray? Is Tricia right? Who knows the real reason my friends didnít come out to support me. Maybe it has nothing to do with my Supremacist tendencies. Maybe they were sick or couldnít find childcare or had work deadlines, or God only knows what else. After all, the world doesnít revolve around me.

But what if thereís something to what she said. What if Iíve been a bad friend? What if all this work has left me so distracted that my friends and family donít feel supported? What if Iíve sold out in some ugly way? What kind of trade would that be?

Iíll never know why they didnít come. And as Iím writing this, I just got an email from one of my BFFís in San Diego (one of the ones who didnít show) apologizing for being so caught up with her two kids that she just realized she had missed my event, which was on her calendar and which she fully intended to attend. But what if sheís just saying that to be nice?

No way to tell. But I am resolved to make a change. Who am I to judge anyone else? How can I possibly claim to know what would make another more joyful or vital or whole? Why is it so much harder to offer the same level of unconditional love and support I offer here online to the real live people in my inner circle? How can I become a better person?

So I am sending this request to the Universe.

Please help me let go of this ugly part of myself. Please open my heart to more love, more acceptance, more compassion, less judgment. Help me hold those I love tenderly in my heart, where I can nurture and support them. May my heart expand so there is an unending capacity for love for all beings, but most importantly, for those I know the best.

This was a hard post to write. Itís not easy to stare down, face-to-face, the shadows of our psyche. But I realize, even in writing this, how liberating it feels. As I said earlier, I feel ALIVE, and even in the pain of it, it feels good. So thank you, Tricia, for being a good friend.

What about you? Are there any other unwitting Supremacists out there? Instead of being like those white supremacists who perform hate crimes and want to eliminate everyone whoís not like them, can we start a movement to eliminate our kind altogether? How can we do this? How can we be more loving, more open, less judgmental, less harsh? How can we radiate such kindness and compassion that we elevate the whole vibration of this planet?

Do you have any tips? Any challenges youíd like to share? Am I alone in having this ugly trait or are there more of you?

Related Links:
Judge Not, Be Happy
5 Keys to Living in Balance
Overcoming Loneliness


Charles Webb
Charles Webb5 years ago

Yep, people choose to be where they are and don't need to be hoisted up to what level we think they should be. Words to live by, for ourselves as individuals and on a national level. We are free to persue our happiness whatever that be, but we are not guaranteed to achieve it, nor should it be given to us. It loses it's value.

Mary Swan
Mary S.5 years ago

It is never easy to see ourselves as others see us. It is even harder to see ourselves as we really are. They are rarely the same thing and it can take a lot of difficult searching to understand where they are the same and why they might be different.

I believe that as humans we can simply strive for "better". Perfection is not attainable, it is non-existent. We are ALL at least occasionally judgmental, "tolerant", thoughtless and even cruel. We are ALL also charitable, loving, thoughtful and kind. Give yourself, and everyone else a break. Over-thinking our motives and behaviour can all too often lead to mental illness, and is really still just keeping the focus on ourselves instead of others. It is by living life that we find contentment, not staying awake nights thinking about our "faults".

Cathy Maw
Catherine M.5 years ago

No, you are not the only superamacist out there. I believe if we took an honest look in our hearts, we would all find a supremacist lurking around somewhere inside (we all judge whether we cop to the truth of it or not). Having said that, what a brutally honest self-observation. Kudos, kiddo, for having the courage to own it, let alone and say it!

Barbara Erdman
Barbara Erdman5 years ago

Thanx for article.

Tori W.
Past Member 5 years ago

wow...judgmental and arrogant with a way to tell the world your very judgmental and arrogant opinions of your past friends and family...no..you haven't been a good friend but at least you have a very good friend who told you the truth and you still have an opportunity to change, to repair some relationships. i hope you are successful in this as you have a difficult path now to travel to attempt to repair the damage. be advised that everyone may not readily accept your mea culpa...it might take some time and effort on your part to prove to them that you are changing and have changed. good luck...

Pristine P.
Pristine Parr5 years ago

Wow Lissa! I just wrote a book about this. Sometimes when a person finds joy and peace and happiness they just want to lavish their loved ones in it too. But each of us come to our own peace, joy and happiness in our own time. If your friends and family say they're happy 'as is' it's a challenge to sometimes see them still exhibiting behavior that could be holding them back and keeping quiet doesn't seem loving, it seems selfish when you feel like you know the answer.

I have to tell you my character in my book and I personally still struggle sometimes with this but as I learn to accept others and enjoy them for who they are and what they bring to the table I find that I'm a lot more forgiving towards myself. The Bible says, "When we juge others we condemn ourselves" and that's great advice rather you're a supremacist or not.

Richard W.
Richard W.5 years ago

I think you're friend gave you the best advice: just own it. Not like it, not cultivate it, not indulge in it, and certainly not try to get rid of it (try to NOT think about the word "elephant"...right now -- not too effective). Accept that you have this streak and be responsible for it: that it will show up, and when it does and you notice it, you can call yourself out on it.
Trying to get rid of it will (probably) be useless, make you frustrated, and make you in some way not yourself. How can you accept and love someone - or yourself - if you only accept PART of them - or yourself?

Ann B.
Ann B.5 years ago

Lissa, you have prayed to the Universe, yet the Creator of that universe is greater. Jesus Christ can set you free, indeed. In him are all the treasures of wisdom, and he is love. Search the Scriptures, seek him with all your heart, and you will truly find all that you are seeking, and so much more.

F. C.
F. Chard5 years ago

Jesus and the Devil were walking down the street together one day, when across the street from them they spotted a man, who had suddenly stopped to stare at something on the sidewalk in front of him. They watched as he gleefully bent down, picked-up the object and the ran off excitedly with it. Jesus turned to the Devil and said, "I wonder what it was that man found?" To which the Devil replied, "That man has just found a piece of the Truth!" Jesus replied, "Does that not bother you?" "Not in the least," replied the Devil. "I am already making plans to help him organize it!"

Likewise, our own devilish egos can take even out most hard-won truths and quickly turn them to our own self-aggrandizement and consequent delusion. That is his (its) job, and he does it well. His very life and function depends upon his ability to convince us of the reality of our own self-importance, thereby making himself real.

The Light is a gift to be shared, but all too often it is instead used simply to blind ourselves.

Marilyn L.
Marilyn L.5 years ago

Good article Lissa. But this sentence struck me...". I’m totally racially and culturally tolerant." Maybe you should look deeper to see is you're a Supremacist.

As someone who is a lesbian I find the word tolerant tells me a lot about people. Your tolerant, so you tolerate, endure, suffer being with people of another race or culture.

Why not, accepting. Just accept others for who and what they are period. Why not?