During the accident
, as my car was flying through the air, I was calculating what I would need to do to get my kids out of the car after we landed. I was aware that they might not be able to help me get them out. I was preparing to act fast in case we landed in water, or the car caught fire. It was a flash in time, a split second, but my brain was fully engaged. I’m still struck that even though I could feel that what was about to happen might be very bad, it was not an option for me to not be able to get my kids out of that car.
While all of this was happening in my head, there was something else… something serene that I haven’t really been able to talk about until now. While my brain was so busy making plans, I felt as though my heart was fully engaged, too. And what I experienced in that moment, that awakening, continues to echo in my soul every single day.
I was at peace with what had come of my life.
To be clear, I was not at peace with dying. I was not done living, and I’m still not done. I was not ready to go but I was incredibly at peace.
I wasn’t thinking about whether or not my house would be clean enough when people went there to do whatever would need to be done. I didn’t feel at peace because all of the emails in my inbox had been responded to, or because all of my bills had been paid, as they certainly had not been. I wasn’t thinking about my body or the past or deadlines.
What brought me peace was almost painfully simple. My brain was calculating an exit strategy, but my entire body was consumed with the certainty that everyone I’d ever loved knew I loved them.
I am one of those people who tells people I love them on a regular basis. But even if I hadn’t told them recently, I *knew* in that moment that they knew they had been loved by me… and that was the only thing that mattered. It was love that gave me peace.