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I Have Violence In Me

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I Have Violence In Me

Wayne Dyer said, “When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out – because that’s what’s inside. When you are squeezed, what comes out is what is inside.”

Having children, for me at least, was like agreeing to live in a damn juicer. There were times it felt like everything in every moment of every day, put the squeeze on me. In times of great squeeze – like my son’s obsession with anything he could swipe and put in his mouth or his great love for parking lots and streets full of fast-moving cars – what came out was violence. I was deeply moved to scream at him about cigarette butts being nasty. I driven to beat a fear of streets into him.

Most of the time I didn’t fall for it. Usually, I was able to breathe instead of scream. Often, I could just retrieve him from danger and feel grateful he lived through it. Sometimes, I lost my cool… and violence was what oozed out of me. Sometimes, I yelled. On a few rare occasions, I actually spanked my children.

I hated myself for that.

I don’t believe in hitting people, not adults and not children. Not in war… and certainly not in love. In relationships, violence never helps, even in parenting. It doesn’t help. And over the years I picked up more and more tools to keep that from happening, tools to help me keep the violence within… trying to keep it from getting on them.

I have had similar experiences in intimate relationships. Again, I’ve worked HARD to get control of myself, to tame the beast who, when she rears her ugly head, erodes any possibility of trust from the woman I love. I have a patched but still unpainted hole in my bedroom wall from a night when a miscommunication put the squeeze on me… and the violence I’ve worked so hard to contain came pouring out. It’s been a couple of years since that incident. I broke my foot that night.

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Christy Diane Farr

Christy Diane Farr is a catalyst. If that sounds like something you want more of in your life, visit 'The Greenhouse' at SeedsAndWeedsCoaching.com and join the Wildflower Evolution on Facebook.

51 comments

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8:16PM PDT on Jul 19, 2011

thanks for sharing.

6:03PM PDT on Jul 19, 2011

Violence and anger are within everyone,it is how you use or control it that makes you the person you are.
Anger can be positve,it can drive someone to make a change,save an animal,stand up for their rights or to protect those weaker than themselves.

4:37AM PDT on Jul 19, 2011

I agree with comments made by Robyn L. and Giovanna M.

12:45PM PDT on Jul 18, 2011

Anger -as all emotions- has its purpose. As all emotions (even love) it can be destructive for the person experiencing it and for those around him/her, depending on the ammount and intensity at which it is present.
The problem with anger is that it is socially stigmatized so we tend to try and push it down into ourselves, to swallow it. If we do this too often we run the risk of anger's preassure finally making us explode.
I'd say screaming to pillows, doing excercise, expressing anger through art is ok.
I'd also say trying to control and completely subdue anger is the best way to have anger control you in the long run. Like a pressure cooker, control should be in how you let go of anger, not in keeping it in. We all know what happens to pressure cookers if you block its valve...

8:36AM PDT on Jul 18, 2011

Therese K and Jessica J; I thank your both for the green star!

8:28AM PDT on Jul 18, 2011

Hey Christy, THANK YOU....we all have the violence that lives within (I'm pretty sure) but at the very least I do. Mea culpa!
Your post is wonderful....you so openly share something that most of us try to hide....even from ourselves. Haha...fat chance the more you try to hide...the more the ugly monster seems to rear it's ugly litle head. Fortunately this little ugly monster shares the space within with many more likable and friendly 'feelings'......in the end it's about balancing the lot out ...isn't it? Namaste & tks for sharing!

8:25AM PDT on Jul 18, 2011

Sorry Jean C., but your comments just generate more frustration within me which is the major reason for my angers. What you said about yelling into a pillow IS NOT okay? Get over yourself. I HAVE THE RIGHT to be upset from time to time without having to commit myself, 'k? Everyone deals their own way and if something benign like beating a pillow helps to purge those feelings, I say GO FOR IT!

6:41AM PDT on Jul 18, 2011

Thank you!:)

5:31AM PDT on Jul 18, 2011

Human error always exists, tolerance always given me energy in any matter with good result, however good idea thanks for sharing!

4:51AM PDT on Jul 18, 2011

I also believe now that "Peace starts with me" and that it is no use in "fighting" for peace. Nonviolence is like a heaven inside me.
I am also truly desperate to live in a world without violence. And I KNOW that the only thing to do this is "to be the peace that I want to see in the world".
Peace be with you!

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