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Is Attachment Really Love?

Is Attachment Really Love?

The path to love doesn’t end with surrender, although in a way there is nothing more to do. The process of letting go is all that spirit needs in order to enter your life. The rest is a ripening of the union between self and Self.

There is, however, still the enormous issue of how two people can surrender to each other completely. No matter how much love you begin to feel within, you must still reflect it to your beloved. Two spiritual people living together don’t automatically make a spiritual relationship.

Therefore we want to ask in practical terms how love increases between two souls. The ego is not easily defeated in its preoccupation with everything but love.

Surrender is not achieved until you surrender completely to your beloved. To accomplish this you must relinquish everything that deprives you of love and nurture everything that comes from love.

One way that people deprive themselves of love is especially confusing because it seems to be a way to increase it: this is attachment. In its mildest form attachment is the desire to be with someone special. It both includes and excludes.

Isn’t it love when you share your world with someone else? Shouldn’t intimate relationships be exclusive in just this way? The answer is surprising, for if you look deeper you will see that love and attachment are not the same thing.

Love allows your beloved the freedom to be unlike you. Attachment asks for conformity to your needs and desires. Love imposes no demands. Attachment expresses an overwhelming demand–“Make me feel whole.” Love expands beyond the limits of two people. Attachment tries to exclude everything but two people.

Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).

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Deepak Chopra

Acknowledged as one of the world's greatest leaders in the field of mind body medicine, Deepak Chopra, M.D. continues to transform our understanding of the meaning of health. Chopra is known as a prolific author of over 49 books with 12 best sellers on mind-body health, quantum mechanics, spirituality, and peace. A global force in the field of human empowerment, Dr. Chopra's books have been published in more than 35 languages with more than 20 million copies in print.


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3:47AM PST on Dec 30, 2012

Thank you.

5:56AM PDT on Aug 5, 2012


1:59AM PDT on Jul 4, 2012

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8:39AM PDT on Jun 18, 2012


5:17PM PST on Jan 29, 2012

Interesting article.

1:05PM PDT on Apr 27, 2011

It is my belief that the most important thing for romantic love is to respect each other. Without respect, love won't exist. Respect does not have to be earned, it is something that those who love freely give to each other. Love needs nourishment to grow, just like growing a flower. It is the culmination of a deep friendship, which must come before love happens. Each one must feel to be himself/herself and love one another unconditionally and without criticizing and judgment. Don't try to change one another, after all you fell in love with the other as he/she is. Changing would make a different person and you may no longer recognize the one you fell in love with in the first place. There are many kinds of attachments. Wanting to be with the one you deeply love is not attachment. Attachment is wanting to be with someone who would do all for you. Love is wanting to do all for the one you love. If love is true, surrender is easy. If the surrender is not easy, then the love may not be true and you should reconsider your feelings. Just relax and let love happen, or not happen. When it does happen, there is no more pleasure on Earth and you will recognize love for the love it is.

8:11PM PST on Dec 12, 2010

I've been wrestling with this in a relationship just recently myself.

9:59PM PST on Dec 1, 2010

I am in agreement with what Robert B. and Wildlife Matters have commented.

Healthy attachment on every level is wonderful between persons who love when they are in sync. But possessiveness and obsession that usually emanate from insecurity, makes the relationship imbalanced.

Over a period of time, when his/her tolerance levels can take it no more, the person being subjected to such possessiveness either revolts / speaks up leading to discord/break-ups. Or else bottles up if unable to express openly, leading to ill health in the long run. Initially off and on but later resulting in chronic and terminal diseases.

Thanks Deepak for telling it so well !

10:19AM PST on Nov 30, 2010

& Thanking D.

10:19AM PST on Nov 30, 2010

Well, obsenssion: Not Real Love.

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