http://www.care2.com/greenliving/is-marriage-a-remedy-for-insecurity.html
Is Marriage a Remedy for Insecurity?
Meet somebody, fall in love, get married. That’s how it goes, right? Hmm. Then what? We hear of divorce rates, couple therapy and affairs, but we also hear of the picture-perfect 50 year happy marriages. What is this need to get married, and why do we think it will fulfill us?
If I was going to be cynical, I could say that the institution of marriage needs to be protected with contracts and promises, because it is a man-made constraint that comes from fear, and thus, is fragile. We feel the need to make the other commit so we can control them, so we can be sure they will stay by our side and make us feel safe. Often, it is a need to receive the public approval associated with marriage, or to fulfill a childhood fairy-tale fantasy that we have had pushed down our throats. But I don’t wish to make it all appear so bleak. In a marriage between two people who love each other unconditionally, there is no need to tie the other person down or try to control them in any way; unconditional love gives the other the freedom of expression that we all wish for — the freedom to be ourselves. What greater love is there than that? If you really love someone, how could you want them to be anyone else? This type of marriage flourishes and blossoms into two individuals supporting each other in achieving their own potential.
Our need to make the love of another eternal comes from our own desperate need to be loved. This need will continue unsatiated until we come to love ourselves. The impulse to control others comes from our lack of self-love. We have learned to reject ourselves so much that we have become slaves of outside approval; our sense of worth depends almost entirely on the opinion of those around us. This is so for even seemingly successful, powerful people; if their confidence lies in their success or public standing, where will it go if those things are taken away? This is why loss can often be such a great teacher, for in loss, we are faced with our own feelings of emptiness. No longer filled with our distractions or addictions of choice, the hole inside is left open and visible, impossible to ignore any longer. We then have two choices: We can try to hide it again — by rebuilding that which we have lost or replacing it with some other form of distraction — or we can finally decide to take responsibility for our own inadequacy, and begin to do the necessary work to find completion within.
Marriage isn’t a remedy for insecurity. The only true remedy for insecurity is self-love — going beyond the fears and doubts of the mind and developing an awareness of the underlying security that is our very being, what I call love-consciousness. True love, unconditional love, breaks all boundaries, boxes and ideas. It is the unlimited nature of being; it is life itself.
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20 comments
add your comment »24 yrs ago when I was married, I had life lessons I had no idea I'd learn. I couldn't read hearts, I projected my heart onto my husband's. I think.
My parents were quite straight. My "core" values are not far from theirs in that respect. They married in '52 I married '83,
Their marathon marriage was something rare. Putting all of your eggs in one basket always is. A marriage can be a place to hide or hold another hostage. In the long run, life is complicated. I wonder how much control we really have over it.
Marriage is a communication agreement where 2 people come from different backgrounds where words and agreements come from slightly different definitions of every single word. An agreement is such only if each party knows the conditions for satisfaction & a time for satisfaction to occur.
Do that long term and you are a miracle worker.
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I totally agree, marriage is NOT the answer to our insecurities nor anything else we may be LACKING in, emotionally speaking. Marriage is a way to GROW and learn about ourselves and the world around us, to EXPAND ourselves but NOT a way to 'fill the void' in ourselves, for whatever reasons. See more on: http://www.mysearchingforlove.com/3-types-of-searching-for-love.html
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I think your range of jewellery is at the cutting edge of fashion. There is something to suit all tastes when you take a look at either wedding ring selection, classic, contemporary or elegant. Thank you so much for posting design of such a beautiful ring.
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In the beginning couples can't wait to see each other or hear from each other, to a point that if these are not fulfilled, they miss each other tremendously....
After they become a committed item, the eagernes, excitement and romance begin to fade, most often from the part of the guys or girls?
Even if the relationship is still strong, and the couples get along real well, somehow the 'sparks' are not the same any more... Why is this so?
The chase always seem more thrilling, but once the pursuit is caught, a relaxed atmosphere is adopted ..
Girls have a tendency to wish for the initial excitement to prevail, while the guys seem oblivious to this.
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We are conditioned from birth to fail. We are given unrealistic fairy tale definitions of love and marriage and then when it doesn't happen we wonder what went wrong. Marriage is what you make of it. If you take your time and find the right person that is suited to you then you can be happy and if not then you can be miserable. Its the simplest and most complicated thing.
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Marriage is about give and give, not give and take. There is no selfishness in marriage. Though we are one, we are individuals that need to grow on each others strenghts and weakness' and support each other. Though I have neither and my husband is very selfish and non supportive. You have to understand where the other is coming from and grow from there. Or get out, be your own happy soul and be free, life is short. Don't stay beacause of trivial stuff. Live and enjoy life!!!!!!!
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I'm going through a divorce after 22 yrs. of being together. It's an enlightening feeling, yet scary at the same time. I am blessed to have two wonderful teens and a dog and many friends. Would rather be single and happy then be in a marriage whose passion died out a while ago. The mind can play tricks by thinking that 'I'll make do and just chug it out', but life is too short and I don't want to look back while on my deathbed and think, 'why didn't I do this, or that, etc.'
At 54 and in the best shape of my life, physically and mentally, I'm ready to be rediscovered, mostly by myself. It's easy to get complacent in a marriage and take each other for granted. Therein lies the trap. The word 'landmine' came up for me and I thought of the times that we would have heated arguments, and ultimately make up, but not address the underlying issues, mainly his lack of fire in the belly to fully embrace life and our relationship. I'm certainly not the easiest person to live with either, but it mainly stems from wanting a mate to pull his weight and be involved and communicative. As a woman, I want to be mentally stimulated, which is where it starts for me...If it's not happening on that level, forget about it.
Here are two links I have found very inspirational and helpful in my journey to singlehood. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGO1M6a3op4
http://www.wopg.org/
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Very well written! People cannot hear this enough... Unfortunately, my husband can't get this through his thick head and so he doesn't want to split up (mainly because it would be his third divorce and he has no life or close family or friends). But no matter how long I stay with him and try so hard, he continues to make me miserable every chance he gets because I don't live up to his standards - I can't help it that I'm ADHD and he can't handle more than one thing at a time! LOL Oh well, I give up on finding that one real relationship with a man. I'm going to grow old painting canvasses in the sun, sipping on tea and having company over! :o)
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When I was young I figure my first female relationship was with my mother. She would make cookies which I sure did like. As I aged the cookies had conditions to them. "Take the garbage out first," then I could have cookies. That probably was to make me responsible but somehow I learned that I could say I'll do what was asked of me after I have the cookies just by saying I'd do what was asked of me.
Then when it came time to marry I was already conditioned in getting my way without being responsible. As I think back on getting married I figure I just looked for somebody to take over where my mother left off. Naturally the marriage failed but if there was any love to that it had to be with the birth of children and a mother's love. To me in time I learned a father's love is mainly about offering a mother security in raising children. So I'm not in to loving at the start of a relationship. I'm into earning each other's trust and respect. That comes from hindsight in failing at marriage.
Thanks for sharing this with us. I kind of thought that we live in a instant world and want our relationships to be the same way.
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In my 'not so humble' opinion. "Self esteem and self respect are FAR more meaningful phrases than "Self love", which has accumulated SO very many negative connotations.
Additionally they both can very reliably be improved by those with sufficient determination and honesty.
That process starts with a thorough search and assessment of the habits of belief that parents, peers, media etc. have imbued us with. [Most of us will need a little assistance from either a trusted and honest friend or else a professional to dig out the deepest hidden of our unfortunate habits.] It continues, though it never is safe to finally call it finished? With a determined program of "self improvement".
It not fast but probably it is the most worthwhile and important project a human can embark upon! The resulting personality becomes utterly confident in any and every area of life and relationships that they have truly and honestly addressed in such a manner.
A MOST excellent and useful article Isha.
Despite my carping. :)
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